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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Woke up to partner touching me and wouldn’t stop until I gave in, is this weird or normal?

80 replies

EH8 · 27/03/2026 10:02

I’ve been with my partner for around 13 years, relationships been going down hill for some time due to him not treating me very well and I’ve finally started to have had enough. We haven’t had sex much at all recently, probably about 2 times this year. He’s tried it a few times but I’ve not given in to it as I don’t feel like having sex with him and I’m feeling confused about our relationship and don’t want to give him false hope. He knows that I’m feeling different and I haven’t been affectionate towards him at all for a few months now.

last night I’d gone to bed before him and I woke up to him touching me, I was still half asleep but remember pushing his hand away and saying no. He kept on persisting for what felt like forever and I was pretending to be asleep but still moving away from him, I actually nearly fell out of the bed I’d moved that far away from him. He continued touching and rubbing me and in the end I thought he’s not going to stop so I just let him have sex with me and pretended to enjoy it. After he’d finished I turned my back and tried to go back to sleep but it took me a while and he put his arm around me and fell straight to sleep, he texted me this morning saying sorry that he woke me up with a smiley emoji. I’ve woken up this morning feeling a little unsure about it, I’m not sure if this is normal behaviour for a man to do this with his partner or is this weird?

I don’t feel like it’s rape because I let him in the end but at the same time I do feel like I was almost tricked into it because I was sleeping.

i guess I’m just looking for opinions on this and whether this is normal behaviour as we’ve been together for so long and if your partner has done this before?

OP posts:
mummabubs · 27/03/2026 10:36

He assaulted you OP. You weren't able to consent and I think what might help you to see this behaviour for what it is, is that you told him no and pushed his hand away... But he didn't stop. Anyone behaving 'normally' would have stopped immediately as soon as your hand pushed him off and you said no, that's such a clear withdrawal of consent. Aside from the seriousness of him thinking it was ok to assault you just to gratify himself, I think once someone had shown such little regard for me I'd have absolute ick and not be able to come back from that.

Not sure if it would feel safe for you to discuss this with him, but assuming the relationship isn't abusive in other ways I do think him hearing what that was like for you is important and for him to consider he has no way of justifying continuing to touch you and rub against you when you'd said no. I'm sorry this happened to you, I hope you know this wasn't your fault in any way.

Ooopo · 27/03/2026 10:37

You need to leave, he doesn’t care about consent, you’re worried about bringing it up, he has scary arguments with you or ignores you while he sulks. This man is a million red flags, an awful person and it will get worse with time and you deserve better than this.

Ineedanewsofa · 27/03/2026 10:38

It’s not normal, no and it won’t be the last time unless you leave.
Normal should be someone who wants to know you are enjoying it as much as they are, that they have a willing and enthusiastic partner, who is keeping an eye on whether anything is changing during and who checks in if they are noticing anything that indicates discomfort.
Example - recently DTD and something felt weird, DH noticed my facial expression changed and immediately asked if I was ok, I said something didn’t feel quite right so he stopped, no question, no complaint.

Happyjoe · 27/03/2026 10:38

EH8 · 27/03/2026 10:34

Im feeling really confused and upset and yes im scared to bring this up with his because he has a habit or sulking and not speaking to me for a day or two if I upset him or we will have a serious argument which can get a little scary. Maybe I do need to leave but need to figure out how

He's abusing you, not only sexually but emotionally. If you get scared to bring things up because how he will react is him emotionally abusing you.

You should be able to talk openly when something happens. You most certainly should be listened to when you say no to sex.

If you don't bring this up, he will think it's acceptable, he already does with his text. It's not good.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 27/03/2026 10:38

EH8 · 27/03/2026 10:34

Im feeling really confused and upset and yes im scared to bring this up with his because he has a habit or sulking and not speaking to me for a day or two if I upset him or we will have a serious argument which can get a little scary. Maybe I do need to leave but need to figure out how

So you don't feel you can talk to him for fear of his reaction? This is him trying to control you.

He's abusive in multiple ways OP, I'd be trying to work out an escape plan in your shoes

mummabubs · 27/03/2026 10:38

Sorry just seen your update - the sulkiness and scary feeling during arguments are red flags to me. Do you feel he uses this to effectively control you as then you're less likely to raise concerns with him? Honestly OP, leaving is the best option here. In a healthy relationship you don't have to worry about your partner's temper or being touched against your will. You deserve that.

Doggymummar · 27/03/2026 10:43

EH8 · 27/03/2026 10:34

Im feeling really confused and upset and yes im scared to bring this up with his because he has a habit or sulking and not speaking to me for a day or two if I upset him or we will have a serious argument which can get a little scary. Maybe I do need to leave but need to figure out how

Go straight to the police, no good will come from you tackling it

JoWilkinsonsno1fan · 27/03/2026 10:48

Gently OP this is assault, it is abuse and you are in an abusive relationships not just because of what he has done to you - but because you have mentioned being worried about bringing the issue up and he uses silent treatment too.

You do not need to bring this up with him- you need to leave as soon as you can. You need to safeguard yourself (and any kids) from this disgusting, vile man.

Call women’s aid and get out!! Call the police if you feel able and report him. It will get worse so please leave xx

crossroadsfan · 27/03/2026 11:03

I'm another whose ex felt perfectly entitled to do this whenever he liked. Note the 'ex'. He is no good, OP.

thanks2 · 27/03/2026 11:05

I'm sorry I think you need to speak to a domestic abuse charity. I suspect you have been walking on egg shells for so long to not trigger him that you are now feeling confused about what is OK and what is not. But deep down you know what is OK and what is not, and you are trying to convince yourself your instincts are wrong because the next steps feel hard. The fact you are reluctant to speak to him as you think things could get 'scary' is your brain telling you that you could be in danger so please protect yourself and your children.

Chatsbots · 27/03/2026 11:07

You're in an abusive relationship if you are treading on eggshells and scared to upset him after he has sexually abused you.

Think what you'd say to a friend in this situation.

Get some in real life advice and support and plan to leave. Be careful planning as it's a dangerous time for a woman...

HJ40 · 27/03/2026 11:08

This is awful, and not just what he did to you in bed. Sulking to control your behaviour is not ok. And feeling scared is not normal in a healthy relationship. Other posters will do a far better job than I can on signposting support to help you build the courage and practicalities to be able to leave. All the best

FluffMagnet · 27/03/2026 11:15

He doesn't care about upsetting you OP, to the point he was happy to commit a serious crime upon you. And then make light of it the next morning. You admit being scared of him too. Call the police and ask them to speak to him. He should move out and the police can assist woth exchange of belongings. Stay safe.

JustAboutMuddlingThrough · 27/03/2026 11:19

crossroadsfan · 27/03/2026 11:03

I'm another whose ex felt perfectly entitled to do this whenever he liked. Note the 'ex'. He is no good, OP.

I am also another whose ex felt perfectly entitled to do this whenever he liked. My case is currently under Police investigation.

Sassylovesbooks · 27/03/2026 11:22

No it's not normal. My ex partner used to do this...in fact I've woken to him being inside me. At the time, I was young/naive and although I didn't like it, I didn't really understand what happened. In my case, it was rape, he had sex with me, without my consent. Your husband sexually touched you without your consent. You pushed his hand away and said no, several times. He continued and you gave in, because you felt it was easier (that's not a criticism)...coercion.

You are uncomfortable because you know it wasn't right. Has your husband behaved like this before? My ex frequently behaved in this manner. Unfortunately, I didn't really understand it all, until I was much older.

If your husband frightens you, then you need to seek help from Women's Aid, to help you leave the relationship safely.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 27/03/2026 11:28

Hi there
I am a police officer - what you describe, unfortunately, is rape.

He did not take your cues (hand pushing, moving away) seriously and he persisted until you gave in.
I always recommend watching the 'cup of tea' consent video - if he was trying to offer you a cup of tea and you were pushing it away and moving away from it he would be unreasonable to pour it into your mouth. He would also be unreasonable to sulk because you didn't fancy a cup of tea when he offered it, just because he wanted one.
Please look this up on YouTube.

I would recommend you talking to Women's Aid, police, or if you don't want to report it you can speak to a SARC centre, they will (from previous understanding, sorry if this isn't right any more) record the details but don't pass it on to police until you want it passed on.

At the very least I would strongly encourage you leave him, it's not going to get better with a manipulative husband who doesn't recognise that you have said No, and violated your boundaries.
(For point of reference as to what is normal, my DH would never persist after the first No thanks, not tonight etc)

Best of luck, please feel free to DM me if you have any questions x

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 27/03/2026 11:29

EH8 · 27/03/2026 10:21

Thank you everyone, I now just need to figure out how to approach it with him without upsetting him, I don’t want to make him feel like a weirdo but also if everyone says it’s not normal than I feel like I should say something?

Swwetheart, why are you trying to appease someone who totally forced you to do something you didnt want to?

You've been together 13 years but this man has done a very bad thing-forced and demanded sex - to someone he should cherish and respect

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 27/03/2026 11:29

Double Posted

ncaibu · 27/03/2026 11:30

EH8 · 27/03/2026 10:34

Im feeling really confused and upset and yes im scared to bring this up with his because he has a habit or sulking and not speaking to me for a day or two if I upset him or we will have a serious argument which can get a little scary. Maybe I do need to leave but need to figure out how

I've been in this type of relationship, and he forced sex on me once in very similar circumstances. I said no numerous times but he just carried on until I just let it happen. It was technically rape. The whole relationship was emotionally abusive. If you separate from him, it will all become clear as day to you. It's hard to see while you're still in it as the emotional abuse confuses and clouds your judgement.

doitwithlove · 27/03/2026 12:45

If you told him no, in the eyes of the law, this is rape.

Ansjovis · 27/03/2026 12:53

He will have known that he was not getting enthusiastic consent and didn't care. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

What is stopping you from ending the relationship? There are some very knowledgeable women who post here and will be able to help you formulate a plan if you're willing to share.

Chilly80 · 27/03/2026 13:39

You need to leave. I hope you find a man more worthy of you in the future.

Original poster
EH8 · 27/03/2026 13:54

Thank you everyone, just trying to get my head around it all really I didn’t expect so many people to say it was rape I thought maybe it was normal but clearly not, my heads a bit of a mess atm

OP posts:
Greenwitchart · 27/03/2026 14:00

EH8 · 27/03/2026 10:21

Thank you everyone, I now just need to figure out how to approach it with him without upsetting him, I don’t want to make him feel like a weirdo but also if everyone says it’s not normal than I feel like I should say something?

OP you need to stop worrying about "upsetting" the man who raped you. You said no to sex and he coerced you. There is no coming back from that.

It sounds like he has also displayed other abusive behaviour such as anger and giving the silent treatment in the past.

You need to leave this man. If you are scared of his reaction do not confront him directly and instead report what he has done to the police and ask them ro remove him from the home. Speak to a charity for support as people have already suggested so they can support you in the process of leaving him.

AutumnFroglets · 27/03/2026 14:12

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/
If something sexual happened to you without your consent – or you're not sure – you can talk to us. No matter when it happened.
Our 24/7 Rape & Sexual Abuse Support Line is open 24 hours a day, every day of the year:

^^ perhaps try rape crisis first as they'll help you more regarding the rape which seems to be your biggest worry for you at the moment. Don't talk to him until you have spoken to either one of the above charities please. Women's Aid are very good for all areas of abuse including mental, financial and coercive.