Am I being petulant?

[Hesstillmarried]

I've been with my boyfriend over 3 years. He split with XW of 15 years in 2020. All amicable. Finances are all sorted. Lives are fully separate.

They have a teenage son. Boyfriend is primary carer for him. They have a great relationship. They live in the old family home, as he bought her out.

My issue is that boyfriend and XW aren't divorced. When I've talked to him about this, he said he's waiting for her to initiate it or he can't be bothered with the paperwork. His choice.

My divorce was finalised 18 months after my 20 year marriage ended.

The more time that passes, the more I get frustrated that I'm still seeing a married man. This really irks me. I haven't said this to him, as I don't want to make his divorce about me, but there's a little devil on my shoulder telling me he can't be serious about me if he's still legally committed to XW. I know he is serious about me. He's made that clear in so many ways. I just want him to make this next step.

I'm wondering that it might be his son holding him back. He's so close to his lad, and he has such a strong moral compass, that I think that he's subconsciously wanting to stay married until his son is an adult. It's the conventional "right thing to do" to have married parents for your entire childhood.

Still living in the family home, (in the way it was decorated, and traces of her still in it (like a box of Tampax under the sink)) adds to the sense of not quite moved on.

I'm surmising this. He's never said it. And I know I'm an overthinker.

Plus he can take his time to do some things that need doing. He'd rather have a day out than sort the garage. Who wouldn't?

Would it be ungracious to talk to him about how his lack of divorce makes me feel? Or am I sounding petulant? I just know that teenage me would be really angry at adult me for dating a married man. It doesn't sit right.

Are you planning on getting married? If not I can’t see the issue here. Do you live together?

Why would it be ‘petulant’ to discuss what you want? What on earth has given you this idea? Just say this isn’t working for you as is, and that you’ll be moving on if he doesn’t start divorce proceedings.

Married at some point in the future, yes. We're both clear we're in this for life.

We don't live together. It's not right for now for several reasons.

I’m not sure she wants to dump him if he doesn’t start, it’s a bit scorched earth don’t you think.

Thank you for politely articulating this.

Wasn't expecting a LTB, but it is MN after all!

Ok, so you’re not engaged, neither of you have proposed, you don’t live togeer and so right now he’s your boyfriend? I think when it gets to the stage you want to marry obviously then he needs to divorce, but it doesn’t appear he is thinking that’s any time soon?

what’s the issue is it making you feel insecure or jealous. Thay he’s not in it for life if he doesn’t want to divorce?

becaude you sayinf you’re getting married, and him not wanting to divorce right now don’t really tallly up,

Well you’re right - you are dating a married man and it’s not a situation I would be comfortable with. You need to tell him how you feel, or at least ask him why he hasn’t got divorced. As you have never mentioned it, he doesn’t know it matters to you and as you say could just be waiting until his DS is 18 to formalise things, or just be inherently lazy.

Well if he’s not divorced he’s not financially severed so it’s not all sorted.
all kinds of issues re next of kin, wills, pensions entitlements etc so I would not be putting up with this.
theres a reason he doesn’t want to click the final buttons

I have asked why a few times over the years, and he said he's waiting for her to initiate it or he can't be bothered with the paperwork.

I've not told him before how his lack of divorce makes me feel, as that's grown over time.

I would have that conversation. He will still have paperwork even if she initiated

When I raised this during a previous conversation, he recognised it wasn't ideal, but knows XW would put their son first should something happen to him.

He's taken her name off his pension. He's changed his next of kin at the Dr and other places.

Respectfully, what’s in this for you now? It sounds like you’re in some kind of holding pattern.

I didn’t suggest she dump him. I suggested she articulate how she feels and make it clear that this is a serious stumbling block for her, which would constitute a reason to end the relationship. And that it’s not ‘petulant’ to say what you want.

Now?

Love. Care. Companionship. Fun. Growing older and closer together.

All the things that most relationships are made of.

I want to continue to live alone right now. I love my space. I love having him in it and I love him going home too.

Not a holding pattern at all.

For me personally the practical and financial side of him being still married could cause challenges but there is no moral issue here. For me the moral issue with a married man would be being part of destroying a marriage or getting involved in the messy aftermath. But here they have both moved on so the moral issue is gone…but if something was to happen to him, you would have no role which could be awful.

Eh> you clearly wrote she should issue an ultimatum and tell him if he doesn’t start divorce she will end it. We can all read it.

He’s making excuses

if he’s not bothered then what’s the issue with him just finalising it?

I get that before perhaps he couldn’t be bothered / but being in a relationship with someone else and one that isn’t happy about the situation should be enough for him to want to sort it on his own accord without you badgering him to do so.

hes not. And that’s very telling ( to me)

Much less though than if he initiated.

Well his personality does sound that of someone who is a bit lazy and who is a procrastinator.
But I do think that if the marriage was really over for him then he woul, after all this time, have taken steps to divorce her. I think mentalky he isn't ready to move on from that part of his life so I can understand why you are upset by this

I think you should have an frank conversation witb him and tell him how him being a married man makes you feel. If you really are important to him and he really sees your relationship going anywhere then he should take notice of your feelings. If he still opts to stay married then you will know where you stand in the pecking order.

He doesn't know I'm not happy about the situation, as I've never said.

Hence the thread! Would I sound petulant if I told him how I feel?

He can’t just ‘take her name off his pension’
He can change the beneficiary, but when they divorce all the finances including the pension go into the pot and are distributed according to need and as judge signs it off. If the judge thinks it is unfair to one party, even if the parties have agreed, he can still refuse to ratify it.
Does the wife pay maintenance for the son?
If not it is definitely in her interest to delay divorce until he is 18.
Same if the house and pension are increasing in value and will be valued at the time of the financial settlement.
If he does intend to get divorced he should do it ASAP.

No of course not, but if you can’t even discuss this, then I’m not sure how strong your relationship is. You’d only sound petulant if you spoke in that manner.

an honest conversation, hey as we are planning to get married, when do you plan to get divorced.

No, it would not be petulant to explain to him your honest feelings about the fact he isnt divorced.

Communication is key in any relationship and if you dont do this then resentment and anger will build up and will come out from some other more trivial trigger at some point.

Expressing your honest feelings isnt petulant, its the mature thing to do.

1. You need to stop using the word petulant.
2. yes you need to tell him how you feel.

This is so confusing if you’re already discussing marriage as you say, but you don’t want to live with him?