Am I being petulant?

[Hesstillmarried]

I've been with my boyfriend over 3 years. He split with XW of 15 years in 2020. All amicable. Finances are all sorted. Lives are fully separate.

They have a teenage son. Boyfriend is primary carer for him. They have a great relationship. They live in the old family home, as he bought her out.

My issue is that boyfriend and XW aren't divorced. When I've talked to him about this, he said he's waiting for her to initiate it or he can't be bothered with the paperwork. His choice.

My divorce was finalised 18 months after my 20 year marriage ended.

The more time that passes, the more I get frustrated that I'm still seeing a married man. This really irks me. I haven't said this to him, as I don't want to make his divorce about me, but there's a little devil on my shoulder telling me he can't be serious about me if he's still legally committed to XW. I know he is serious about me. He's made that clear in so many ways. I just want him to make this next step.

I'm wondering that it might be his son holding him back. He's so close to his lad, and he has such a strong moral compass, that I think that he's subconsciously wanting to stay married until his son is an adult. It's the conventional "right thing to do" to have married parents for your entire childhood.

Still living in the family home, (in the way it was decorated, and traces of her still in it (like a box of Tampax under the sink)) adds to the sense of not quite moved on.

I'm surmising this. He's never said it. And I know I'm an overthinker.

Plus he can take his time to do some things that need doing. He'd rather have a day out than sort the garage. Who wouldn't?

Would it be ungracious to talk to him about how his lack of divorce makes me feel? Or am I sounding petulant? I just know that teenage me would be really angry at adult me for dating a married man. It doesn't sit right.

If you have talked about marriage, why wouldn't you bring this up? His being married is an obvious impediment. It sounds like you don't feel very secure if you don't tell him how you feel. This is a big deal.

If they do divorce, who his beneficiaries are won't matter. His pension is a marital asset. Has he seen a lawyer about his will because if not, wife could possibly contest a will if he died. The marriage is over on their heads is just dumb bullshit. It's not over in the law. That's what's going to count if something happens.

And if he's too lazy or whatever to get a divorce, he hasn't moved on from the marriage. There are still ties he is unwilling to sever.

Myself, I wouldn't be in this relationship if what I wanted was a committed, long term relationship. He has legal ties to someone else and anything he says about the future would be a form of future faking. He also sounds like a bullshitter and doesn't take care of his business.

But I don't see it as a commitment.

We see it in our long term future at some point.

And if he's too lazy or whatever to get a divorce, he hasn't moved on from the marriage. There are still ties he is unwilling to sever.

Knowing him, his laziness should not end in a conclusion of he's not moved on @outerspacepotato .

He works to deadlines or responding to problems. There's no deadline or problem here in his head.

We're very happy as is.

If after I've spoken to him about how I feel, he doesn't consider changing things, then there's a problem. Right now, there isn't anything to act on in his head.

I think the issue is what you’re posting is very confusing

a couple of brief drunken musings on marriage doesn’t equate to we are getting married in the future
in three or more years he will sell up and move closer to you, he won’t want to sell immediately after, so for several years you’ve no intention to even move this to the next step and live together,
‘he seems in no rush to get divorced, clearly due to the second point above.

i think this relationship is very important to you and you want a life time with this man, and you want to marry him,,and the fact he’s not moving to divorce shows you there is no commitment from him to you, no seriousness there, so you’re focused on it. As you see him divorcing as a step in the right direction.

i think you need ti talk to him. You will need to explain why him divorcing is important to you, discuss marriage, seriously see if he wants that, and discuss what that would look like, will you live together, share finances etc, it would be rare to get married and not live together and I’d question why you’d want to in this situation,

you need to speak to him, as right now you’ve all these hopes and dreams and hou are with someone who may move closer to you in a few years and isn’t driven to divorce.

I think you've already 'sat down and had the talk' that everyone is suggesting, and it just wasn't important enough for him. Yes, you could raise it a further time, but you say this has already been discussed - how committed does the man sound if it takes multiple attempts to try to be heard and your feelings valued.

I'm sure you won't want to hear this and it won't influence your future steps at all, but I think people don't tell you who they are, they show you. You can choose to come up with all sorts of excuses - he doesn't do things like clear out the garage and this is completely the same - but you told him how you feel and he's comfortable in the current situation with his separated wife and his girlfriend.

Good luck going forward whatever you decide. It's a pretty unhappy problem.

I can see why you feel that way. However, I wouldn’t have even dated a man who was still married.

As a side note, could he have forgotten the tampax are there or alternatively be keeping them incase you need them? Just a thought.

Some people do drag their feet with finalising a divorce because it’s both expensive and a pain in the arse. I don’t think it signifies much other than neither of them can be bothered.

There's no deadline or problem here in his head.

Like I said, he doesn't take care of his business. He's lazy and messy when it comes to issues that matter. He's unwilling to put on the work of getting divorced for you and that says it all. You've settled for his staying married, of course he doesn't see a problem. You're uncomfortable bringing this up to him because you know your relationship works for him as it is. He doesn't have to get divorced because you're cool with his head game with himself and you. But you're not, you're just afraid to make this an issue.

Most people like to bring dead relationships to an end so they can move on. He isn't doing that. He's moved on with someone who on the surface accepts his being married. He has no strings to you. His strings are to his wife.

"I'm still married, but it's over in our heads so I'm cool to date you and bang you for a few years. "

Okey-dokey then.

Get clear on what you want from this guy and tell him. Because right now, this is a situationship and can't progress like you seem to want it to. And 3 years is a long time to waste on a married dude who has you in a situationship.

He wouldn't have thought about them at all! I imagine they've turned into wallpaper for him.

I only discovered them in the cupboard under the sink as I was looking for a loo roll. From the look of the cupboard, it hadn't been opened in a while.

And the lack of loo roll is a perfect example of him responding to a problem rather than thinking about preparing for the future!

Does she have anyone else? If not she may not ever want to divorce him. He needs to be really careful I hope he has taken legal advice about her position if he were to die first and what she might get in the event of a divorce years later. It does sound like a precarious position for you. You could try proposing and see if being engaged might prompt a divorce, bigamy can be a problem I'm told.

If after I've spoken to him about how I feel, he doesn't consider changing things, then there's a problem. Right now, there isn't anything to act on in his head.

Okay, so this is the issue then, you're worried you tell him how you feel and he still won't do it, that's understandable, but I think deep down you know he doesn't see this as a long term committed relationship, which is why you are worried about bringing it up.

It's unlikely he will move house, without moving in together, why would he bother just to live 15 minutes closer to you? It's just something he has said, maybe because he is hoping by then that you will have changed your mind about living together.

But if you don't want to do that then there is absolutely no point getting married, he knows that, which is why he is dragging his heels getting divorced, in his mind he doesn't need to, as things will probably never progress further than they are right now.

I DON'T WANT TO GET ENGAGED!!!!

Make sure you don't have joint accounts or joint ownership of anything with him.

^ this. Plus if he is ill/in an accident she will be next of kin making all decisions

Just tell him you are uncomfortable continuing the relationship without him starting divorce proceedings as you don’t wish to be in a relationship with a married man, then step back & see what he does

He doesn't need to, does he?

By staying married he's got the best of both worlds - not having to (financially) share any assets with his ex and also got his home comforts with OP. 🤔😊

If they haven't divorced then they haven't sorted finances (at least not in the eyes of the law). If he wins the lottery tomorrow, it'll be a marital asset. If you live together anything you contribute towards mortgage etc will be a marital asset. He's better to divorce now, while their DC is under 18 because that'll potentially entitle him to a greater share of their assets. Once DC is 18, it'll be 50/50, including thecmaritao house that he stayed in. Doesn't matter if he gave her money already for her share, that won't count for the divorce settlement. So if she's spent all the money, she'll get it twice over, and he'll be left in a much worse financial position.

Keep yourself very clearly financially separate until after they're divorced. Definitely do not move in with him before then.

This is a very odd post. He’s allowed to date when separated. He doesn’t need to divorce first or marry the op. Christ they don’t even live together and have no plans to.

The thing about the house is what prompted my ex to sort the divorce papers. He bought me out of my share of the marital home and I used it to buy another property, so therewere two properties in the marital assets, but if I’d just spent it and we had delayed the divorce, years later that would have been irrelevant so I could theoretically have got two bites of the cherry on the marital house.

Spinning this around, from this thread I can now conclude that

Boyfriend has got a claim on the very expensive property his XW bought with her new partner 2 years ago.

And he has got a claim on her very large pension that will have only grown since they separated.

I'm glad that he's a good man and will do neither of these things.

XW is stupid to have left herself this vulnerable to him being a good man and honouring their agreements.