Am I being petulant?

[Hesstillmarried]

I've been with my boyfriend over 3 years. He split with XW of 15 years in 2020. All amicable. Finances are all sorted. Lives are fully separate.

They have a teenage son. Boyfriend is primary carer for him. They have a great relationship. They live in the old family home, as he bought her out.

My issue is that boyfriend and XW aren't divorced. When I've talked to him about this, he said he's waiting for her to initiate it or he can't be bothered with the paperwork. His choice.

My divorce was finalised 18 months after my 20 year marriage ended.

The more time that passes, the more I get frustrated that I'm still seeing a married man. This really irks me. I haven't said this to him, as I don't want to make his divorce about me, but there's a little devil on my shoulder telling me he can't be serious about me if he's still legally committed to XW. I know he is serious about me. He's made that clear in so many ways. I just want him to make this next step.

I'm wondering that it might be his son holding him back. He's so close to his lad, and he has such a strong moral compass, that I think that he's subconsciously wanting to stay married until his son is an adult. It's the conventional "right thing to do" to have married parents for your entire childhood.

Still living in the family home, (in the way it was decorated, and traces of her still in it (like a box of Tampax under the sink)) adds to the sense of not quite moved on.

I'm surmising this. He's never said it. And I know I'm an overthinker.

Plus he can take his time to do some things that need doing. He'd rather have a day out than sort the garage. Who wouldn't?

Would it be ungracious to talk to him about how his lack of divorce makes me feel? Or am I sounding petulant? I just know that teenage me would be really angry at adult me for dating a married man. It doesn't sit right.

If you can’t sit down and talk to him honestly about this but prefer to discuss it on a public forum, it doesn’t sound like a great relationship. You aren’t living together and he hasn’t indicated he wants to marry you. Presumably he wouldn’t inherit any of your assets either, so you are on an even playing field. His ex may meet someone else and want to remarry. He sounds like it’s just not something he thinks about. If it bothers you you need to speak to him.

This could end badly if he continues to have a relationship with you whilst married to her. As @millymollymoomoo said, they are still financially tied so she has a claim on his assets regardless of whether he's taken her off his pension.

It's not petulant to point out you don't want to be in a relationship with a married man!

I wonder whether he's potentially future faking you because he doesn't actually want to get remarried and this a perfect way to block the relationship progressing.

The only way you'll know is to be very honest with him and see how he responds. If he gives you excuses as to why now isn't a good time you'll know exactly where you stand and it'll be up to you whether you can accept that type of relationship or not.

My exH left me for someone else but never started divorce proceedings. He was definitely waiting for me to start and pay for it all, which I did in the end. That’s when he finally married the OW.
It would absolutely give me the ick if I was with someone who thought like this. I’d feel like I was just a task to tick off when the last task was completed.

Why would you think this conversation was petulant? The fact that your partner is still married is a huge problem because of the legal implications. As a PP said, if he were to suddenly die, the fact she is still his wife may well trump other actions he has taken such as taking her off his pension. It also means finances have not been finally settled. It’s no more his wife’s job to sort the paperwork than it is his and, if his wife doesn’t have another long-term partner, she has no particular reason to bother. That attitude sounds a bit immature, tbh. It’s perfectly reasonable to bring this up. Don’t put yourself down by referring to your perfectly reasonable concerns as petulance.

I would be very upset about this. Legally she is his nearest relative. You need a conversation to understand his point of view. And financials can always be reopened whilst they are still married

Will you be getting a divorce any time soon? I feel really uncomfortable dating a married man and someone who’s still legally involved and tied to another woman.

then you can do what you want based on his answer. I don’t think it needs to be petulant it’s just telling someone how you feel

Telling each other how you feel is part of staying close as a couple. Tell him.
FWIW, my partner was separated when we met and he said he never would marry again as the gloss had gone off marriage for him. I said fine but I want you to get divorced asap because I don't want to be with a married man.
He did; it was a horrible time for him but he was very glad when it was over, and we married years later.

Of course you should tell him how you feel if it's bothering you. Communication is key here! I reality nothing is sorted yet as he's still married and living with his wife. He sounds happy with the status quo so if you want things to change you need to make your feelings clear.

Ok , you mentioned you’d talked about his lack of divorce so I figured you’d raised your unhappiness

you’re not petulant to talk to him or ask him what’s really stopping him and that you’re not prepared to continue in this way

if he dismisses you, gets grumpy or angry or simply refuses to engage you have your answer.

a loving partner would listen and act

I’d be having the conversation

My worry about sounding petulant I think stems from the fact that I'm not amicable at all with XH. He would not have my best interests at heart upon my death, so I worry that is colouring how I'm viewing this.

XW is now living with another man @Dery She has been for 2 years.

Last time we spoke, it was for this reason that he was expecting her to initiate the divorce soon.

@Hesstillmarried

If you can't have an open and honest conversation with him about how you feel then the relationship is not built on solid ground.

You need to have the conversation and not be fobbed off about his ex initiating it because she's living with someone.

Making sure you relationship is built on solid ground and progressing towards what you have discussed is not his ex's responsibility, it's his.

But he’s been with you for over 3? So why hasn’t that lit the fire under him to get divorced?

If you think this is a relationship that will last and everything else is great and there is no ticking clock for children, I might live with it. My red line would be to refuse to live together whilst he is still married. Given he lives with his son this is probably not what either of you want right now anyway but should work as a natural conclusion in the coming years.
edited for typos

Who is wealthier? Him or his ex? If him there is less incentive to formalise the divorce

I think you need to fully understand his motivation. Most people feel the need to divorce, which formally ends the marriage, when they meet someone new.

She is wealthier.

He has no motivation over this. To him, it's a non issue, as the marriage has been over for years in both of their heads.

The divorce just hasn't happened yet. In his brain, it will at some point when either of them get round to it.

I really don’t see how remaining married is of benefit to his son? They have separate lives and don’t live together so how would divorce proceedings impact his son? I’m not sure this is a good enough reason to remain legally connected to someone else once the relationship is over.

It is quite unusual to not start proceedings especially when in a new relationship.

But its all online now? Given they are financially severed its a basic no fault divorce so dont see the problem if both parties agree.

I don’t think three years is very long for a second relationship.
You don’t want to marry him, you don’t want to share financial responsibilities with him and you don’t want to live with him. It seems that Friends with Benefits best describes your situation. I would not talk about divorce until his son has left home.

How is your relationship with his son? Do you do things, the three of you or do you only see your partner when the son is not present? If the latter, I feel this shows you are assigned the role of ‘just his girlfriend’.

I completely get your partner’s point. My ex husband left me. I was very devastated. But I changed the things that mattered. Pension , NOK etc. I am not interested in a remarriage to my partner. I chose to not initiate a divorce because the split was his choice. I wasn’t prepared to do the admin required or pay for anything on principle. If he wanted it , he had to do it. Eventually a Miss Right came along and he wanted a divorce. They were engaged by now. I sent him the link for diy divorce which he thanked me for and picked up. Tried to say that I would pay for it on the form ( a mistake, apparently). I did my bit. We got divorced. His engagement however, didn’t last 5 minutes.

She does want to marry him, she’s said they’ve already discussed and agreed to get married, although I’m not sure how that works with not wishing to live with him or share financial responsibilities.

so 9t should be an easy conversation. When do you plan to get divorced considering we’ve agreed we will marry. But then I assume the living together thing will have to be addressed.

But again these two are getting married.

You need to tell him how you feel - you can’t expect him to guess if you haven’t voiced it.

it might be that he thinks you’re not that bothered about it, which makes him less likely to make that big decision, because you haven’t brought it up with him much.

I think in some respects it’s an admin thing, and that’s probably how he sees it. They’re not “married” in the sense of living as a married couple; they are separated.

its not wrong that it bothers you, and not petulant at all but wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me at this stage. It would probably cross my mind every so often that on paper she is his NOK if anything happened.

"the marriage is over in their heads" to me does not equate to the marriage is over in real life. Nor does the law deem it so. Stripping out all the emotional stuff and the clever construct of excuses hes built, this is just the plain and honest factual truth. Its time he finalised this.