Am I being petulant?

[Hesstillmarried]

I've been with my boyfriend over 3 years. He split with XW of 15 years in 2020. All amicable. Finances are all sorted. Lives are fully separate.

They have a teenage son. Boyfriend is primary carer for him. They have a great relationship. They live in the old family home, as he bought her out.

My issue is that boyfriend and XW aren't divorced. When I've talked to him about this, he said he's waiting for her to initiate it or he can't be bothered with the paperwork. His choice.

My divorce was finalised 18 months after my 20 year marriage ended.

The more time that passes, the more I get frustrated that I'm still seeing a married man. This really irks me. I haven't said this to him, as I don't want to make his divorce about me, but there's a little devil on my shoulder telling me he can't be serious about me if he's still legally committed to XW. I know he is serious about me. He's made that clear in so many ways. I just want him to make this next step.

I'm wondering that it might be his son holding him back. He's so close to his lad, and he has such a strong moral compass, that I think that he's subconsciously wanting to stay married until his son is an adult. It's the conventional "right thing to do" to have married parents for your entire childhood.

Still living in the family home, (in the way it was decorated, and traces of her still in it (like a box of Tampax under the sink)) adds to the sense of not quite moved on.

I'm surmising this. He's never said it. And I know I'm an overthinker.

Plus he can take his time to do some things that need doing. He'd rather have a day out than sort the garage. Who wouldn't?

Would it be ungracious to talk to him about how his lack of divorce makes me feel? Or am I sounding petulant? I just know that teenage me would be really angry at adult me for dating a married man. It doesn't sit right.

How can you be in it for life when you haven't lived together

Yeah I’m not sure on that, it’s clearly over, sure the legalities remain, but to all intents and purposes this marriage is over.

Married at some point in the future, yes. We're both clear we're in this for life.

And where does he see you both living?
In a new house or his (with all his things and his stuff in his life?)

I wonder if this is about more than divorce if its about something more fundamental in terms of differing views on how your build a future together.

OP there is a lot of paperwork in a divorce whether or not you instigate it. He would be best to get solicitors to sort it for him. I would express you concerns that you would prefer this to be underway now as it can take a long time in some cases to sort out. If he says no then you will have to decide if you can overlook it.

Nobody wants their partner to still be married to their ex, and idk why anyone is pretending to fail to understand this.

It sounds like hes dragging his feet with the divorce, and not giving any real reason as to why. This has left OPs mind to wander as to why he won't divorce his ex, creating feelings of uncertainty over what his true motives in this new relationship are. It can can cause feelings of risking being a placeholder in his life while he umms and ahhs over going back to his (not)ex wife.

I don't blame you for feeling this way. If a relationship is over, it's over, staying married to her does nothing for the stability of his son's home life, she's already gone and they're already separated. All that's left is the divorce. So why won't he do it?

I don't think youre being petulant at all. I think you need to have a conversation with your OH, make your expectations of the relationship clear and let him know how this is making you feel. Ensure that you convey that this is affecting you and you want to know where you stand long term. Ask him his real reason for not wanting to divorce, and go from there. It's all well and good him saying he wants a life together, but if his actions (or lack thereof) prove otherwise then you are perfectly reasonable to feel miffed by this. Hope it works out.

Are you sure he's not waiting for her to receive a large inheritance from elderly relatives, which he would then stand a chance of having added to the split of their assets during a divorce?

He’s taken her name off his pension. He's changed his next of kin at the Dr and other places.

That’s a fair bit of paperwork for someone who supposedly “can’t be bothered with paperwork”.

I would probably feel the same but it would depend on the conversationns about it when you got together.

Really? It’s minutes of work and very different to a divorce and what’s involved. Unless you’re trying to be mean to her?

I think you’ve maybe misread. I don’t think anyone said they’d want their partner to be married to their ex. That would be very odd indeed.

But she doesn’t want to live with him so surely the question is where does she see it.

the issue is they have such a non conventional relationship. They’ve agreed to get married, but they are not engaged and he hasn’t committed to getting divorced, and she doesn’t want to live with him.

I think if this was they hadn’t agreed to get married , were happy with current status quo it would be more understandable/

My DH would be like this, nothing gets done in this house unless I do it.. if it was not affecting his day to day life there is absolutely no way he would instigate anything like this unless he was forced to deal with it for some reason.

Have you looked into the process? Why not have a chat and say it is bothering you that he is still married, and can you help him and do it together?.. The only way you may get it sorted is if you drive it, bit dodgy ground IMO, but the alternative of nagging until he does it himself is not the way to go.

Has he updated his will?

Really? You think changing your NOK details with all relevant bodies and agencies, Passport office, DVLA, organ donor register, DWP, HMRC, GP, NHS hospital records, dentist, employer, workplace pension provider, banks, insurance providers, any clubs or gyms or memberships, etc, is a matter of minutes work?

Unless you’re being deliberately obtuse?

Im not saying it literally, its just that a lot of the replies are implying the OP is being unreasonable for being uncomfortable with this.

Funnily enough, it was your own comments I was referring to. For instance, "Are you planning on getting married? If not I can’t see the issue here."

I think the issue is pretty damn clear to see really. I think them planning on marriage right now is irrelevant; if I was with somebody, having conversations about marriage and kids in future, but their actions show they dont want to divorce their wife, I would be having thoughts that im a placeholder while he decides if he wants to go back to his wife or not. I would want to know where I stand so im not being messed around. Shes assuming its because they want to keep a stable home for their teenage son, but I cant see how them staying married is relevant at all since they're already separated and living separately.

Hes passing it off as too much paperwork and I dont buy that for a second. I would be questioning whats more important, filling out a bunch of paper work to make a success of your current relationship and ensure your partner feels valued and prioritised, or not filling out a bunch of paperwork because you cant be bothered. Plenty of people fill out paperqorl for divorce, when they want a divorce. Doesn't add up, but that's just my opinion.

Very different relationship @Rictasmorticia to the 3 FWBs I've had!

Marriage has not been formally discussed. It's been alluded to a couple of times when having great times together and we've had a few wines.

He's looking to move closer to me when his son has finished college in a few years. The 20 mins drive between our houses is a bit laborious. I will not be moving into his current house ever.

Having completed my own divorce 5 years ago, I know how easy the process is to complete online.

I don't want to drive his divorce, as that's quite controlling.

Thank you for helping me conclude that raising my feelings with him isn't petulant. My own marriage ending is so different to his, i worried it was colouring my thinking about his lack of divorce.

We're going away in a couple of weeks, so I'll chat with him then, as we'll have space to do so. I know he'll listen and hopefully will spur him into action.

If I was his XWs friend, I'd have advised her to divorce years ago, due to the wealth difference. I can't get my head around either of them choosing to not finish what they started, as I'm just not wired that way myself!

So, you have everything you want the way you want it in your life by living in your own place because that is the way you want it. However, you expect him to bow down without any commitment at all from you - why would he do that. Your logic is confusing or have I misread your previous answer incorrectly. Sounds like both of you have the ideal relationship unless one of you is not as secure money wise than the other and needs that implemented through marriage.

It sounds like you possibly don't have the future together you want and I think it's understandable to feel like you do.

I don’t think he is ‘in this for life’ with you when he is choosing to stay married.

I wouldn’t want to continue dating someone who is married for very long, unless I never wanted to live together and/or have financial or deep ties.

He’s not U to want to stay living where he is until his DC are a fair bit older. 20 minutes isn’t much journey time at all.

Hmm, op do you think maybe you’re more serious about him and that’s the issue here? You claimed you were getting married then said you’d never discussed it, honestly if you’ve never actually discussed it, it’s just been alluded to, then you’re not getting married and likely shouldn’t be telling people you are. The man isn’t even divorced.

you also don’t wish to live together, and is only looking to move closer to you in a few years,

it is probably right he gets divorced, but right now it doesn’t not feel your relationship is where you wish it to be, and maybe thays why the divorce is so big in your mind, you know this and need a sign it’s progressing.

I would never say to a friend @Notsosweetcaroline "we're getting married" based on our alcohol based conversations of "when we're old and married, shall we ..." But it indicates it's at some point in the future, as I said.

He's moving closer, rather than in with me, as I'm loving my own space and he knows that. I've articulated to him how interested I am in LATs. So he's not raised us moving in together. When he's ready to move, I'm sure we'll have a proper discussion and let's see how I feel then.

Very happy with where things are at. I just don't like seeing a married man, who is still legally committed to someone else, and this feeling has grown over time.

@Hesstillmarried - I’ve already posted but i agree with you that this is problematic. Some posters are writing as if it’s only the emotional side of things that matters but there are significant legal implications which arise from him continuing to be married and these could cause problems for him in the future. Better just to get them sorted now.

None of what you have said indicates long term commitment, and the marriage being alluded to is just that, drunk musings which don't mean anything.

If you think he will move everything he owns just to live nearer to you in 3 years time, when he only lives 20 minutes drive away now, then I fear you are being led up the garden path.. he's still got a box of her tampax in his cupboard 6 years later!.. A house move to suit you, when you have told him you never want to live together, is never going to happen.

You need to face up to the fact that he's telling you what you want to hear.. that is why you are having doubts about his commitment to you, there is none, but probably because there is none from you either.

Commitment works from both sides.

I’m sorry but I just don’t see that at all, it doesn’t sound anything like a commitment to get married in the future to me, not even slightly.

have you told him you now think he’s committed to marrying you?

Re divorce - not one piece of paper