Accidentally phrased comment badly about partner’s child, can trust be rebuilt?

[ironyoftheworld]

I need some outside perspective because I’m feeling sick with guilt.
I’m in relationship with someone who has a young child. I’ve always respected that part of his life and never had an issue with it. We were joking around yesterday, and in the middle of the conversation I made a comment that came out completely wrong... it sounded like I was calling his child a “problem,” even though that’s absolutely not what I meant.
The moment I said it, I realised how awful it sounded. I apologised immediately, several times, and explained that it came from insecurity and not from how I actually feel. I genuinely care about him and have never once thought negatively about his child.
He was very hurt and said he didn’t like the way I phrased it. He also said he’d rather be alone than feel like his child is seen as a burden. I completely understand why he reacted that way.. his child is the most important part of his life, and I would never want to disrespect that.
Right now he’s taking space, and I’m respecting that. But I’m terrified that he’ll never forget what I said, even though it wasn’t what I meant at all. I feel like I’ve ruined something meaningful over a stupid, clumsy sentence that didn’t reflect my real feelings.

1. Do people usually calm down after something like this, or is this the kind of mistake that can’t be repaired?
2. How do you rebuild trust after a misunderstanding involving a child?

I have a feeling this boyfriend likes to bend the truth a lot.

Now he's turned out to be 32 (and the OP is 19).

Also posted today.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5508518-long-distance-partner-lied-about-his-age-twice-how-to-rebuild-trust

Someone who punishes you over a slightly misjudged comment honestly isn't worth the hassle.

OP if he was covered in red flags with one stuck up his arse, the red flags could not be more obvious. Seriously step away now.

Oh so we have cancer scare, lying about age and twitchy about daughter all on the same day.

Yeah, this is fucked.

Or it's a bot account posting made up stuff...

This is it exactly.

After your first post, I thought you’d said something negative about his daughter herself. But what you said was nothing about the child - it was really just banter back in kind that he isnt the most eligible man on the planet himself.

He obviously didnt like that - and i do think his intention was to make you feel insecure. To get the reaction his ego wants, he’s massively overreacted to try and make you think youve behaved awfully and verbally abused a child.

Just give him his space back and either he’ll climb down off his high horse or he’ll stay on it and you can skip off to freedom. Just dont grovel at his feet (and get stamped on by the high horse’s hooves) - you did nothing wrong. It’s not psychologically safe to feel youre having to constantly walk on eggshells.

I would have found his comment about finding another "girl" more problematic to be honest.
How old are you both.
I find men talking about grown women girls a bit ick.

I agree with many posts here. He sounds awful and is either extremely insecure or trying to play victim to keep you hooked.

I have seen some of your other threads too.

If this is real, get rid of him and never settle for a man who hides the existence of his daughter from you for 6 months and regularly jokes about finding a new girlfriend let alone everything else .

Total over reaction his part. You said shes not a problem for you. Tell him to get over it! If not move on.

Could it be that he’s used your comment to “cool off” the relationship?
you may’ve inadvertently given him an opportunity to shut things down, especially in view of his “joke” about finding a new girl…
If I’m off track, I’m sorry I’ve not read all the thread.

I think you’re onto something with this @CloseEncountersOfTheLoveKind . I had a similar trick played on me when telling a guy I was dating he didn’t seem enthusiastic about driving over to mine. I asked if he was sure he wanted to spend the weekend with me.

He overreacted and said he was so upset i had falsely accused him of not wanting to see me. So much so that he couldn’t bring himself to see me at all that weekend.

Lol! His response to me saying he lacked enthusiasm was to show even less desire to see me.

I gave him 24 hours to get over it and when he was still sulking I ditched him. Which is probably exactly what he wanted.

It’s either that or he didn’t like the fact his attempt to neg OP and make her feel insecure backfired.

Exactly this. You’re giving yourself too hard a time over this, OP. And if he’s chosen to take offence in this context then it’s a huge red flag. He’s allowed to do and say things you aren’t. Nope. He may argue that he didn’t mean what he said and was clearly joking - but you could say the same thing.

I think he has reacted in this way bc you hit a nerve. He knows that him having a young child IS a dealbreaker for a lot of women, and what you said shook him as he’s probably been ignoring the reality bc he has fortunately (for himself) found you. Don’t let him bully or guilt trip you into feeling awful about yourself about this. It was a joke. Point out that you could have felt just as hurt and disrespected by his stupid bloody comment - why would he say this anyway? Most ppl would be offended by it.

I think he will use the overly-protective father card to make you feel shit and have some power over you in the future. Please don’t let him do this. It may have been a silly comment for you to make but it was in response to his - which was deliberate. It may have been a joke but he said it to hurt you or make you insecure. You were caught off guard and replied in a similar vein to continue with this ‘banter’ he initiated.

Don’t feel guilty any more and don’t be afraid to call him out and possibly move on. This doesn’t bode well for the future power balance of your relationship as he may choose to hold this over you when it suits him.

So it’s ok for him to joke about you being disposable and finding another girlfriend but it’s not ok for you to joke and remind him that taking on someone else’s child is a huge deal and not everyone would?

You got too big for your britches and instead of being insecure and “fighting “ for him, you argued back. Now he’s sulking and managed to make you feel insecure and “fight” for him. That’s you put back in your place.

This is not a man you should want to be in relationship with.

Red flags!! He’s controlling. This is your punishment after you joked back instead of accepting he’s gods gift to mankind.

fuck that. Doesn’t sound healthy

Sounds like you dance to his tune constantly.
he’s allowed to ‘joke’ about dumping you??
but if you banter back he needs ‘space’.
this is not a good relationship- he’s completely in control.

It’s not really clear here, who made the joke about finding another girl, can you give context ?

and I’m not sure the issue is whay you said, it’s the fact you then said it came from insecurity, what does that mean? Insecure about what?

and is he a drama llama, as otherwise if you’d demonstrated you do care for his child and it’s not an issue to you, then I’d not see why he’s distancing himself, have you done this, as it does appear he beleives what you said is true.

is that what happened op? As some posters are getting a littl3 hysterical.

This, and it's a massive red flag. You are very insecure and anxious and he knows this, he has the upper hand here. He's taking space away from you now and knows you feel awful. He's not great OP, it sounds very over reactionary and controlling.

I've seen your other threads OP.
Honestly you would be much better letting him find his other " girl" so that you can get on with enjoying your life - you are really young and shouldn't waste your time on his nonsense

But you can’t control his reaction. You are going into people pleasing/fawn territory and he’s milking it. What you are a really asking us is how you stop the horrible feelings you are feeling, but you are creating the feelings not him - as others have said , you could be cross at what he said. Just leave him now. Is this a one off or does he often sulk/ need time?

if he knows this is a bit of a triggering point for him is he also reflecting on whether he over reacted ?

My hunch is that you need to emotionally step right back too, while he takes his space. Maybe this will happen again and again , that you make a daft comment and he withdraws. Maybe it's a sign that you can't be relaxed and happy with him long term . Step back and let him come to you, then see how YOU feel about HIM at this point. Let him realise that he has something to lose.

I'm aware that he is really delicate about

Hmm.

That speaks volumes. No wonder you are anxious. Some people love to crank up the stress.

Whether he likes it or not, some women will have a problem with him having a young child. I've read loads of times on here women saying they wouldn't date a man with young children.

I wouldn't do it again, that's for certain.