Accidentally phrased comment badly about partner’s child, can trust be rebuilt?

[ironyoftheworld]

I need some outside perspective because I’m feeling sick with guilt.
I’m in relationship with someone who has a young child. I’ve always respected that part of his life and never had an issue with it. We were joking around yesterday, and in the middle of the conversation I made a comment that came out completely wrong... it sounded like I was calling his child a “problem,” even though that’s absolutely not what I meant.
The moment I said it, I realised how awful it sounded. I apologised immediately, several times, and explained that it came from insecurity and not from how I actually feel. I genuinely care about him and have never once thought negatively about his child.
He was very hurt and said he didn’t like the way I phrased it. He also said he’d rather be alone than feel like his child is seen as a burden. I completely understand why he reacted that way.. his child is the most important part of his life, and I would never want to disrespect that.
Right now he’s taking space, and I’m respecting that. But I’m terrified that he’ll never forget what I said, even though it wasn’t what I meant at all. I feel like I’ve ruined something meaningful over a stupid, clumsy sentence that didn’t reflect my real feelings.

1. Do people usually calm down after something like this, or is this the kind of mistake that can’t be repaired?
2. How do you rebuild trust after a misunderstanding involving a child?

He was disrespectful to you, and he’s managed to turn it around on you? You’re apologising because he joked about finding another woman who might have a problem with his child?

I is confused

I agree with the above.
Give him some space , a lot of it and for heavens sake STOP apologising.. the more you repeat apologies, the more it sounds like you did something really wrong.. when all that happened was banter between you ( his comment wasn't great and you could for eg, be causing a fuss about that, but you are not)

The comment didn't sound that bad, you immediately said it came out wrong and apologised. You've said you have a good relationship with his child. So in that case saying he has to "protect" her, knowing that you are nice to her is ridiculous.
I think he's being a bit mean and punishing you with this needing space thing.. Is this the first time he's been like this. Or does he often pick holes in what you say? Sounds to me that he's on a bit of a power trip.

Sounds like he's making you grovel and enjoying it. That doesn't sound like an equal relationship at all ,but one where he is the special one and you lesser somehow.

So let him have the space. If he wants to use this as an excuse to break up, then its not the reason, just the excuse. and its a very weak excuse at that.. But if that is what he's doing then running after him apologising for something that wasn't really that big a deal, won't fix that.

He's way over reacted

I think one of the problems of a modern mindset is that people cant just make a mistake, they appear to need to be cut out completely for it, or 'cancelled' or dumped, see it on threads all the time

People get things wrong all the time, they 'misspeak', it happens to me a lot.

Dont know whether he'll continue to hold this or not, but shame if he does.

I wonder if the “joke” about “finding another girl” wasn’t as much of a joke as you thought it was and your comment is his excuse.

It’s a weird thing to joke about in any case.

Sorry OP, I don’t believe for one second this is a secure, healthy relationship from what you’ve posted.

Agreed.

I wouldn't enjoy this relationship

You reacted defensively to his "joke" because you were feeling worn down. This suggests you don't actually find it funny but pretend to to keep the peace.

I would recommend saying to him that given that he seems to want you to feel anxiety about the relationship it's probably better that he does find another woman. You don't want to be in a relationship where you pretend his actions are ok with you when they're not.

I bet he improves his behaviour after that and if he doesn't then you would have been wasting your time with him anyway.

Another one here thinking this is a sign of a really toxic relationship. You seem so desperate to get him to forgive you, and it all seems intentional on his part to keep you insecure. Please have a serious think about how healthy it all is, and if you heard a friend describing the details, would you think it was good?

It was a misjudged comment, he needs to recognise you’re not perfect.

Depending how involved you are with his DD, this would be a red flag for me.

My ex was very much “you’re part of DSD life and we value you” when he wanted something ie childcare, and then very much “how dare you talk about my daughter like that, you’re not even related” when I raised an issue or concern.

It was awful.

I once genuinely pointed out how much I did for DSD too (which was everything) and ex said “do you expect me to be grateful”.

Honestly, I’d be thinking twice about this relationship.

THIS

He’s got you dancing around to his tune already hasn’t he. Watch yourself with this one, OP. You did nothing wrong and he’s being a dick.

I agree with @Yewoo and @pastaandpesto snd quite a few others. This isn’t a good relationship. Cut and run.

I don't Like the sound of this bloke or this relationship He sounds far too ready to punish you for what - stating the truth and you sound so desperate to keep him that you are turning yourself inside out apologising for a non event.

This is not a healthy relationship and he can do one with his "jokes" about finding another girl. Let him go Op and try and get some counselling or therapy on your self worth and look into why you are prepared to accept being treated so poorly.

In the bin. Too much like hard work!

You've done nothing wrong @ironyoftheworld

He, on the other hand, is controlling. Please stop dancing to his tune.

This is the guy who still lives with his parents (aged 20) and hid the fact that he even had a daughter from you for six months.

He isn't an amazing dad BTW. He only sees the DD alternate weekends.

Edited to add that this is a LDR and you've only met him once! Also that he lied to you about his age for a while.

OP this relationship needs to end.
Don't move to be near him FGS.

It's a bit of a snide remark, but then him talking about replacing you is pretty cutting, even when said in a jokey way. So I think it was his fault for leading the conversation that way. You bit back with an equally sharp remark and now he's gaslighting you into it being all your fault. The undeniable truth is that children are baggage for single parents when it comes to dating. Lots of women won't date single dads, see it mentioned all the time on mn, so it's a valid point rather than a slight on his DC.

I'd give he so much space he'd be the man on the moon.

He's joking about finding another girl. Who does he think that's amusing for? It's not a joke it's a tool to make you insecure. Toxic prick.

Run in the opposite direction.

How long have you been dating this Prince?

How long have you been dating this Prince?

AS is interesting.

He shouldn't be joking about finding someone else. That's disrespectful.

You're not wrong about him having a DD anyway. Is this a case of the truth hurts? Some people don't want someone with the baggage of a child. I know I wouldn't date a man with a young child. Mine are grown or almost grown now. I don't want to go back to the young kid phase, so a man with a young child isn't for me.

Also posted today
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5508525-partner-avoiding-cancer-follow-ups-due-to-panic-how-can-i-support

If it's just as you describe I'd say he's over the top, just give it some time.

… bad for you (not bar for you!)

Don't let him move in with you. He shouldn't be taunting you like that.