Long-distance partner lied about his age twice, how to rebuild trust?

[ironyoftheworld]

I’ve been in a long‑distance relationship for over a year. We met online and became very close emotionally. He has a child with his ex, so his life is more complicated than mine, but we’ve always talked about a future together.
The problem is that he has lied about his age twice.
At first he told me he was born in 1997. Later I found out that wasn’t true, and he said he was actually born in 1994. He said he lied because he thought his real age would scare me and that he didn’t want to lose me. When I asked him why he wasn’t honest from the beginning, he said things like “what does this change?” and that he can’t share 100% with me because I’m someone he met online and he’s scared of being vulnerable or giving too much information in case things go wrong one day. He also said he’s afraid of losing his daughter if his ex finds out about our relationship.
I understand he has reasons to be cautious, but it still hurt me. I love him, and I’m not asking for every detail of his past — just honesty about basic things. Now I’m worried about what else he might be hiding, and I don’t know if I’m being naïve or if this is something couples can work through. I don’t want to fight with him, and he hates conflict too, but I also don’t want to pretend I’m fine when I’m not. I just want stability and honesty.
My questions:

1. Is lying about age (twice) a red flag, or something people do out of fear?
2. Is it normal for someone with a complicated past to be overly cautious about sharing personal details?
3. How do you rebuild trust after something like this?
4. Am I expecting too much by wanting honesty about basic things?
5. How do I communicate my feelings without it turning into a fight

Dump! It won't be the only thing he's lying about.

He's a liar. Why would you want to spend your life with a liar

How old are you is a very simple and straightforward question, anyone who needs to lie about it has serious issues.
Ditch him. He’s probably spun you a load of whoppers.

Massive red flag. This relationship is too complicated - dump him.

Red flags for days

Firstly there's the lying

secondly Someone who thinks you'll be that callous and shallow IS that callous and shallow themselves.

1997-1994 isn’t even a proper age gap to be bothered lying about, that makes it weirder to me! Honestly he’s probably lying about other things. Have you met up? Do you think his ex is actually an ex?

You’re being a bit of a fool Op. he won’t just belting about his age. Find someone closer who you can actually trust.

Have you actually met this man? How can you "have a future together" with someone you don't actually know. It sounds like a fantasy.

How many times have you met him face to face OP?

Have you met any of his friends or family?

I think lying about your age is a fairly common white lie that wouldn't worry me too much. What would bother me a lot about this relationship is that he is keeping you a secret from his ex and that it sounds like you don't actually meet up that often? These things are much more serious IMO.

He's lying about the ex being an ex. They are likely still together and she has no idea about you. He's fudging info so you won't find his real profiles and dob him in.

He wants to be untraceable because he’s lying to you about lots of things. His Ex probably isn’t an Ex, for a start.
Have you met IRL?

What is the age gap? That is why he lied because it is probably because you are much younger. If he is 32 this year how old are you? Has he chosen you because you are early 20s and so more likely to put up with this sort of shit in a relationship?

Massive red flags if he lies about something as factual as his age. You should also be able to talk without it turning into a fight which tells me either you both have communication issues or one of you has and you cannot resolve it. This is not a great foundation for a successful relationship.

I would seriously reconsider this relationship.

Can’t see the trees for the red flags…

We met IRL, but in a ldr rn..I'm planning to move soon.
Ik his family and friends..
He said he lied cause when we first met he was being cautious

You are mad if you change your whole life for a relationship that is based on lies.

You'll regret it later.

He lied because he's a liar.
Meeting someone once and. planning to be together is insane.

Dump. You deserve better.

We only started the LDR just couple of months ago, before this we saw each other constantly

Listen to your instincts. They’re telling you not to trust him

If he told you these things in an initial one-off conversation where neither of you expected to keep in touch, it's understandable if he changed some details that were irrelevant to the conversation in order to protect his privacy or feel more anonymous. But as soon as the two of you were clearly moving toward a "relationship", he should have told you the truth and explained why he lied. The fact that he lied TWICE isn't good, and it doesn't make sense for him to say he deliberately lied about his birth year because he was afraid it would be a dealbreaker for you, and now he's trying to convince you it's trivial. If it doesn't change anything, why lie in the first place?

He also said he’s afraid of losing his daughter if his ex finds out about our relationship. This is a red flag to me. It's possible that his wife is the custodial parent for a legitimate reason (no idea what, but it's possible) and COULD temporarily prevent him from seeing the child, forcing him to take action through the courts if she won't agree to a fair custody arrangement. But this isn't a normal situation to accept - he's not really going to avoid ALL future relationships or keep them secret because his daughter's mother is inexplicably vindictive. Odds are VERY good that his ex is actually his current partner.

He lied because it suited him to lie. What on earth is ‘being cautious’ about knocking years off his age?

Cone on wise up. How my any times have you met in RL? Have you been to his home?

Hes waving a whole bunting of red that’s right in your face - ignore at your peril

The age gap is probably relevant if OP is very young. An 18-19 year old will be more comfortable dating someone in their 20s than someone in their 30s and the man knows it. Textbook predatory behaviour

I'm really sorry, but he's lying to test you, to see what you will accept. I 100% guarantee he will be lying about alot of things. I met a guy once, online. He lied about stupid, insignificant stuff. Turns out he was a habitual, pathological liar! Your guy is too. Dump him.