Accidentally phrased comment badly about partner’s child, can trust be rebuilt?

[ironyoftheworld]

I need some outside perspective because I’m feeling sick with guilt.
I’m in relationship with someone who has a young child. I’ve always respected that part of his life and never had an issue with it. We were joking around yesterday, and in the middle of the conversation I made a comment that came out completely wrong... it sounded like I was calling his child a “problem,” even though that’s absolutely not what I meant.
The moment I said it, I realised how awful it sounded. I apologised immediately, several times, and explained that it came from insecurity and not from how I actually feel. I genuinely care about him and have never once thought negatively about his child.
He was very hurt and said he didn’t like the way I phrased it. He also said he’d rather be alone than feel like his child is seen as a burden. I completely understand why he reacted that way.. his child is the most important part of his life, and I would never want to disrespect that.
Right now he’s taking space, and I’m respecting that. But I’m terrified that he’ll never forget what I said, even though it wasn’t what I meant at all. I feel like I’ve ruined something meaningful over a stupid, clumsy sentence that didn’t reflect my real feelings.

1. Do people usually calm down after something like this, or is this the kind of mistake that can’t be repaired?
2. How do you rebuild trust after a misunderstanding involving a child?

Wtf how is what you said disrespectful? He was disrespecting you. 🤷🏻‍♀️

What you said was the truth and you’ve apologised so give him space. That joke about finding someone else isn’t funny though, he’s trying to keep you insecure but passing it off as jest.

He's the one who was talking about finding someone else instead of you.

Let him go, he sounds like an arsehole to me.

Sounds like the relationship is a non starter really

It sounds like the problem here is with him. Lots of women will think twice about dating a man with a child, because it’s a big complicated commitment that usually involves all the drama of child rearing and negotiating with an ex, except it’s not your child or ex. A quick look at the step parents board will show just how hard it is.

I don’t think it’s problem to joke about dating someone else if it’s genuinely lighthearted and harmless, but it is a massive problem to not be able to take a joke delivered back in the same manner, make you feel really guilty about it, and say that he needs to “take time” because of it.

Is this the guy who kept the fact he has a daughter from you for half your relationship?

I think your comment was below the belt tbh as you had no reason to bring his dd into your banter. You used his dd as a negative, and you know you did, hence why you immediately apologised. If you don’t see the dc as a problem then why would you phrase her as a problem? I’m not surprised he’s upset.

Quite honestly, I think there's a bigger problem here. The comment was, at best, MILDLY insensitive. It's not a judgement on his child or on him that yes, many women WOULD avoid a man with a child. And you also said that it's not a problem for you. You stated a truth and you did so in a way that was not particularly unkind albeit. I think if you call a child a burden, that's a bit insensitive, but it doesn't even sound like that's what you did.

Meanwhile, he can joke about finding a new girlfriend?

My red flag alerts are going off. How often do you have to carefully watch your words or apologise for upsetting him or disrespeting him? ++

++ and anyone saying you've been disrespectful is a red flag in itself in my epxerience.

Yes, on reflection - he's "joking" about finding a replacement for the O P. Keeping her insecure.

She reminds him, not every woman wants to date a man with a kid. Throwing it back, you're lucky to have found a woman who accepts your kid. By gosh, he did not like that at all!

What else does he josh about to keep you on your toes, OP?

Honestly, OP - you sound way too vulnerable in this relationship. I don’t think it’s a particularly nice thing for him to joke about finding someone else but given that he did that i think his reaction to your comment is hugely unreasonable. I think your comment was not a big deal - any new partner should know he has a child. The way you wrote at the outset, i thought you had said something really awful. You really haven’t.

And by swinging into hugely apologetic mode, i think you’ve played into his hands. You actually sound very insecure in your relationship - I think him joking about finding someone else is feeding your insecurity and i have a hunch that if you look at your interactions he finds other ways to wrongfoot you and make you feel anxious and insecure.

Take a step back, OP. Stop apologising. Get busy with other stuff. To me it sounds like he’s enjoying your pain and anxiety. Take some power back. You lived a good life before this man came along and, if it comes to it, you can live a good life without him.

The OP said they both make this joke, not just him.

It's very childish though.

This relationship is a disaster @ironyoftheworld

who the fuck jokes about “getting another girl”

and girl?? Really? 🤢 you’re a woman ffs.

hes punishing you for a complete non-event

this will only get worse love, trust me.

the ONLY way you have any hope of making this work is to call this out, tell him you absolutely meant nothing like what he’s alluding and he know it, you’re not accepting being punished for this by him. And tell him you’re needing space and think it’s best if you park things for a bit

shock him. Educate him in treating you with respect now.

or bin him, because you don’t need to teach a man how to be one.

I'm also curious about what makes him an "amazing" father. What does he do that's beyond normal parenting?

Apart from this incident, have you had arguments or conflict before, or is this the first time?

Okay for him to make such jokes but not you? Well, isn't he the delicate little flower!

He needs to stop 'joking' about finding someone else.

Just because he does it a lot doesn't make it ok - especially as you say you were feeling insecure. You felt insecure because he said that.

Would he be ok with someone his dd was with in the future making those 'jokes' to her?

It seems he enjoys keeping you anxious, @ironyoftheworld. Let him go.

Actually, having heard the context, I think he's a right knob.

I'm curious too as to how the OP knows this.

The last I remember they were in a LDR and he'd kept his daughter a secret from her for 6 months.

I don't think you did anything wrong. And no wonder you feel insecure if he thinks it's OK to joke about finding someone new.

Worrying you've been "disrespectful" makes me wonder what your relationship is really like.

I couldn't handle someone that would blow something like this up so much. There's no reason he shouldn't take what you said as "banter" like he was giving.
It's you that should be questioning this relationship, not him.

edit- I say that as a single parent fully knowing that plenty of people would in fact see my child as a burden!

No, I think you should give him all the space in the world, block him on everything and leave him to it - this relationship sounds problematic, and your desperately appeasing approach doesn’t sound healthy.

How old is he and how old are you, OP?

You sound quite young.

I suggest you stop apologising. What you said wasn't that bad and anyway you apologised. Sounds like he is enjoying the drama/ keeping you hanging on a puppet string. Good, dedicated fathers don't get really sensitive about this stuff and wang on about 'protecting their daughter' they just get on with it. I know I've had my kids and everything but honestly how can you be bothered with this level of drama? Leave it and I'm sure he'll come slinking back saying he's "processed" it or some dramaqueen balls.

@WinWhenTheyreSinging has nailed it. You’ve gone into appeasement overdrive and it’s a sign this relationship is bar for you.

He sounds like the problem here, not your phrasing.