Partner avoiding cancer follow ups due to panic, how can I support?

[ironyoftheworld]

My partner had cancer years ago and has been in remission since 2020. He told me he’s supposed to continue regular check‑ups for about 10 years, but he has completely stopped going. He says he has a mental block around it and that the idea of returning to the doctor sends him into panic. He told me he prefers to believe everything is fine rather than face the anxiety of appointments. He also said this is a topic he doesn’t want to talk about at all, and he asked me to respect that. I understand that this is extremely hard for him, and I don’t want to push him or cause distress. But I’m also scared because I care about him deeply, and it’s difficult to watch someone avoid something so important out of fear.
I’m not looking for medical advice. I know only professionals can handle that.
I’m asking about the relationship side:

1. How do you support someone who shuts down around medical issues because of trauma or fear?

2. How do you respect their boundaries without feeling helpless or terrified? 3. Is it normal for people with past serious illnesses to avoid follow‑ups out of panic? 4. How do you talk about something they don’t want to talk about, without pushing them? 5. How do you manage your own anxiety when someone you love refuses care?

I’m not trying to force him into anything. I just want to understand how to be supportive without crossing his boundaries, and how to cope with the fear that comes with this situation.

I would give him an ultimatum. It's not fair to the people who care for him.

I think you need to realise that the only thing within your control is you. You can absolutely work on your anxiety around this issue - nervous system self-regulation techniques, counselling etc. He has capacity to make a decision and he made it. It may be unwise but there is nothing you need to "support him" with because he is obviously not worried about the consequences.
You need to support yourself.
You will never know if he has cancer but, for all we know, any one of us could have it right now and not have a clue. That's the fact of life.
It's difficult to come to terms with so please do focus on what you can control which is your own health and emotional wellbeing.

I am lacking in empathy, but you are the one calling me names? Ok then.

What do these check ups consist of?

If it’s a blood test, then how about sending a request via the NHS app for a telephone appointment and then going to a local blood test centre?

If it’s a scan, that is really hard to get without going to a hospital…

Anxiety over cancer tests is very real. I would not give an ultimatum. Adding pressure makes someone with anxiety even less likely to put themselves out of their comfort zone.

Given your other threads and his loose relationship with honesty, are you certain this is even true?

I would think if he had cancer 6 years ago and got poke and prodded enough, then I can understand why he didn't want to be poke and prodded some more.
People who are unwell, know they are unwell.
He's been cancer free for years. These are just routine tests. He will know if he needs to go and seek out help...like he did last time.
Support him by believing what he wishes to happen. This is your own anxiety.

I used to find with my cancer check ups they’d actually ask me if I had any new or unexplained lumps. Like I wouldn’t have immediately got in contact! Personally I thought they were a waste of time and was glad when they stopped. I’ve been in remission for many many years now.

However I do think it depends on the type of cancer you had and the curative rate and initial starting point. I was 1A and it was blood cancer. Others have different tests.

This isn't a healthy approach, it's just an anger response to feeling out of control.