Accidentally phrased comment badly about partner’s child, can trust be rebuilt?

[ironyoftheworld]

I need some outside perspective because I’m feeling sick with guilt.
I’m in relationship with someone who has a young child. I’ve always respected that part of his life and never had an issue with it. We were joking around yesterday, and in the middle of the conversation I made a comment that came out completely wrong... it sounded like I was calling his child a “problem,” even though that’s absolutely not what I meant.
The moment I said it, I realised how awful it sounded. I apologised immediately, several times, and explained that it came from insecurity and not from how I actually feel. I genuinely care about him and have never once thought negatively about his child.
He was very hurt and said he didn’t like the way I phrased it. He also said he’d rather be alone than feel like his child is seen as a burden. I completely understand why he reacted that way.. his child is the most important part of his life, and I would never want to disrespect that.
Right now he’s taking space, and I’m respecting that. But I’m terrified that he’ll never forget what I said, even though it wasn’t what I meant at all. I feel like I’ve ruined something meaningful over a stupid, clumsy sentence that didn’t reflect my real feelings.

1. Do people usually calm down after something like this, or is this the kind of mistake that can’t be repaired?
2. How do you rebuild trust after a misunderstanding involving a child?

I think it depends on what you actually said.

Yep

Oh dear, what did you say and how did you say it in such a way making it sound the opposite to what you meant?

it sounded like I was calling his child a “problem,”

Depends on the context and what you said.

If he was joking around about finding some 'alone time' together and you joked that 'there might be a small child-shaped problem with that plan, bless her!' then that's a lot different from, say, him joking about his child being a problem.

He was joking abt finding another girl and I told him 'tell her abt ur daughter too' then he said this would not be a problem. I said 'for me it isn't'.
Later I realised that this was disrespectful cause now I seem like I see myself as the only person who accepts him with a daughter.
I was having a rough day and I didn't mean to say this. It makes me worried because I never even thought about this. I love his daughter and he knows it..I get that he wants to protect her. I was never disrespectful like this before.

I don't think he should be giving you a hard time over that OP.

You could have quite easily taken him joking about ditching you for someone else badly too

All sounds a bit blown out of proportion on both your parts. You didn’t mean it, apologised, end of.

the more your go over this the more energy you give it.

how long have you been together?

He was joking about finding someone else? He doesn’t sound very nice at all. Objectively sone people would prefer a partner without other commitments, surely he is aware of this? Or does he think he’s such a catch that all women would swoon over him and his child?

This is a joke we make sometimes. So I wasn't upset over it.

Yikes I don’t know if it can be salvaged. I take my children and being a parent seriously and once dumped a man for revealing he and his mates had laughed about the prospect of him ‘playing daddy’. He was begging for another chance but my children have a father already and he was a mere boyfriend. Sitting and giggling about fatherhood ffs
It half depends on what was said but however innocent the comment was, it might just have broken the spell for this man. I’m guessing if you’re saying it came from insecurity, it can’t have been anything good.

I think what he said to you wasn't great. I think you've both overreacted.

Hope it blows over asap.

You should be taking space from him for joking about finding another partner

He said he needs some time but I'm really anxious about this...
Should I just give him space or talk to him?

Yes people can get over this.

Unless some backstory then you just said you don’t see it as a problem. As if some would find it a problem but you don’t. You probably shouldn’t have said it but it’s not insulting his child.

Seems like a "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" type scenario.

How come his "joke" is acceptable but yours is so much worse he needs time away? Dish it out but can't take it.

I'd see this as a red flag that he's making such heavy weather of it.

How long have you been together?

And what do you mean by you explained it came from a 'place of insecurity'?

Either

He was being disrespectful to you first by 'joking' about finding another girl ( what's with the term "girl" here BTW? Are you in high school?).

Or he was joking and you answered in the same register/ tone and he decided, unreasonably, that he didn't like it. He can't do that - josh about, then get snarky if you josh back

Either way, I don't think that you said anything wrong at all. I think he is being super- touchy about this, and seriously unrealistic, if he thinks that there aren't "girls" who would see him having a child as a barrier to dating. If anything, you were reassuring him of your position on this matter.

I'd have seen you raising his daughter as something he'd have to make sure he told a prospective girlfriend about as more of a red flag than your follow up.

I think you said exactly what you meant. His having a daughter is a bit of a nuisance to you. One you've been prepared to accept, but it doesn't change that it's inconvenient.

It's also a massive over reaction on his part, he must also know it gets in the way sometimes, he is lucky to have a woman who can deal with that, especially one who doesn't have children.

The first "row" is a good indication of what kind of man he is, and his answer is to sulk for days?

Also, why was he "joking" about having another woman? In what world is that funny? It's all about keeping you insecure.

I think he might be doing you a favour here.

This, too!

You were right in what you said though.. a lot of people won’t date men/women with children and you said it’s not a problem for you. I think he’s throwing a hissy fit because his shitty comment backfired, he knows you were right and he’s trying to give you a hard time. I wouldn’t waste my time with him if I were you.

I think this is a red flag, but not the way you think it is.

Sound like he enjoys banter as long as it is strictly on his terms and he isn't the subject of it.

If this exchange went exactly the way you described it, he is massively overreacting and exploiting the opportunity to cast himself as the victim and you as the guilty party. Pathetic at best, coercive and gaslighty at worst.

We are serious with our relationship and today was a shock for me.
He is an amazing father and I'm aware that he is really delicate about this topic. This is why I know that I was wrong but anxious about if this could be fixed or not.

I mean youre right, if I were dating then a man having kids would be a problem for me, same as my kids might be a problem for other men. He started the "banter"!