Do you believe "once a cheater, always a cheater"

[worldshottestmom]

I just want to preface this before anyone jumps on me:

1. I’ve never cheated and never would.
2. I think it’s awful and I’m not trying to defend it at all.

Just interested in a general discussion really.

So, long story short one of my friends has been seeing a man for a couple of months and it’s starting to get a bit more serious. She thinks he’s great and can see it going somewhere, but her one hesitation is that he told her he cheated on his ex when he was 22. He’s now 31 (she’s 29).

it got us talking about the whole “once a cheater, always a cheater” thing. I’m a bit on the fence with it. I do think for some people it’s just who they are; no real morals, low self-esteem, impulsive, etc, and they’ll always cheat regardless.

But I also think there are cases where people cheat for different reasons (not excuses, obviously) — being unhappy in a relationship, insecure, drunk/stupid, drugs, etc etc. And especially when people are younger, I do think some are capable of growing up, having a period of self-reflection and growth, and gaining the morals and self-worth not to do it again.

I remember my mum always saying “a leopard never changes its spots” and “once a cheater, always a cheater” when I was growing up. And I do think that’s true sometimes. But is it naive to think people can actually change? That said, personally I don’t think I could be with someone if they told me they’d cheated in the past. It would just always be there in the back of my mind and wouldn’t feel worth the risk of not knowing and the uncertainty. I just wouldn't be able to trust them, personally.

On the flip side, I used to work with a woman who had an affair with a married man (she was also married at the time). They’re now married to each other and have been for years, seemingly happily. She said her ex was abusive and unsupportive, and his marriage had basically died. (Shes a massive over-sharer and told everyone everything, hence why I know all this!) It does make me wonder how that works though. wouldn’t you always have that doubt in the back of your mind? Especially given how their relationship started.

Although I suppose you never really know what goes on anyway, whether someone has cheated or not. If they haven't told you, id just be worried that i had simply not found out yet. Also, everyone who cheats has to do it for the first time at some point, so even someone with no “history” could still do it.

So… what do you think? Can an unfaithful leopard actually change its spots? or is it always the case that once a cheater, always a cheater?

And would you get into a relationship with someone who admitted they’d cheated in the past?

Also interested to hear from anyone who has pursued a relationship with someone that had cheated previously; did it work out or not?

Yes.
Very simple

There is no "reason" to cheat. At least have the decency and balls to leave properly. I wouldn't be interested in someone with no morals and empathy

Yes.

No
i cheated- complicated reasons also very young
i would not do it again to DO,ever

I was always in the "Not my Dave" camp until he did it to me. Then I found out I was one of a long line.

I agree. I hate the people who try and have their cake and eat it with two partners on the go at one time. Its repulsive. Lowest of the low.

God bless you. Ehk, the more I think about it the more im thinking the majority of people who cheat don't change.

I do think that people can change, however, I would definitely judge a man for this and get the ick so I would lose respect for them. Some people may think this is unfair, and I am quite rigid when it comes to this type of thing.

That being said I don’t really agree with the once a cheater always a cheater trope, but I do wonder how many people cheat and it’s a genuine ‘one off’ ie a drunken lapse in judgement, vs a more ingrained and concerning outlook on relationships and integrity.

Of course not. I can barely think of any my school or uni friends who didn't 'cheat' at that time. Now all 50+ they are married for 30 years and show no signs of it.

Refreshing to read. Glad you have grown as a person now. I think this is just it, some people do it when they're young and feel awful, grow as a person and don't do it again.

Others do it and just get into the habit and never stop.

Others do it because they have no real self-esteem or empathy.

Its a very complex one. I know its easy to jump to just saying Yes, but I'm asking people to consider whether every single person who cheats is incapable of changing

Not every single person no, but I would say there’s a much higher chance of them doing it again than not doing it. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who admits to cheating, I think a lot more people cheat than people realise.

This is exactly what I was trying to get at. I couldn't be with a self-confessed cheater either, I too just lose respect for them instantly, and did when my friend told me this. Im not even sorry either tbh.

I know a few people who have cheated when young and drunk, but gone on to be in seemingly faithful and happy marriages and relationships. But you just never know. You never know if you're getting with someone who is being fake saying they regret it, but deep down is just a lying manipulator who lacks empathy.

I can hardly think of anyone in my 20s I was 100% faithful to.

Met DH early 30s, together 14 years married 12, I’ve never come anywhere close to cheating.

I think people can change and learn, but I wouldn't take the risk on them.

Yeah this is what just makes me feel so uneasy about it all. I am a very distrusting person, for many reasons, but I just assume most people would cheat in certain scenarios etc, and idk maybe im wrong but it just seems a lot of people assume they're in a great relationship but at any given time their partner could destroy it. I've seen it happen so many times. As I said, it's a matter of not-knowing, really...

Yeah I don't understand why people do tbh. Its like having someone say to you 'I didn't take relationships seriously in the past and had a complete lack of empathy for my past partners, but this time is different'. Like come on, why waste your time.

That being said, I think some people can genuinely change, but i don't think it's entirely common. I just wouldn't be up for taking the risk.

It depends.
Someone whose relationships were a bit messy in their 20's might never cheat in a proper grown up relationship.
Someone in their 30's/40's who cheated - especially if more than a ONS, no way would I go there.

In fairness though I’d also never come close to living with anyone previously, let alone buying a house/marrying/having kids with them.

I think there’s serial cheaters. Just that “type” of guy. I’ve dated a few of those. They’re all married now…

Then, cases where one half of a couple got swept up, or did something on holiday or on a night out, and regret it.

And there’s being 22… If it was anything like my friend group when we were young, we all swapped around a bit, it’s gotta be said!

I did some insane things in my early 20s. Cheating wasn't the half of it. Turns out I had ADHD and PTSD
I'd run fast and far from anyone I was starting a relationship with now (in my 40s) who was emotionally immature and unempathetic enough to trot out phrases like "a leopard never changes his spots" and "once a cheater always a cheater"

I think a lot depends on context and motive.

I think if someone cheats for vengeful / angry / insecure reasons, and that anger and insecurity isn’t resolved, they’ll keep cheating as a means of feeling like they have power in relationships.

If someone gets off on the thrill of having a secret, they’ll keep cheating. The legit relationship is little more than scene-setting for the main event, which is the secret life.

If the cheater has multiple addictions or addictive behaviours, they’ll keep cheating until and unless they’re in recovery.

If someone has a bottomless need for validation and admiration, they’ll keep cheating, because no amount of adoration can ever fill the void.

Most people who are relatively emotionally stable won’t cheat, or will be circumstantial cheaters (marriage not going well, fell in love with someone else, made some bad decisions) rather than recidivists.

I don’t think any relationship is 100% guaranteed.

Same with me. I haven't cheated since (in 34 years).

Interesting. I think age, personality type, and sometimes upbringing plays a large role in this tbh.

I was in a (shit) relationship from the age of 18 - 28. In the early years of it, I was very much infatuated with him and him me, we were highly codependent on each other. We just knew each other wouldn't do that, and we didn't. Despite how things turned out, i have no doubt he didn't cheat, and i know i didn't.

I think the relationship was intense because I had a bad childhood, was very insecure and timid, and this was the first time I felt truly important to someone. I was very scared of him abandoning me initially. I think this caused me to latch onto him a bit, and him me. And I think it was that general atmosphere in the relationship that made cheating so out of the question, it almost felt like marriage.

That being said, is it possible that people who didnt have these experiences growing up (not everyone obv) dont have a tendency to latch onto their partner in relationships (when they are still very young), and perhaps feel less bothered about cheating, because they know the relationship isn't particularly serious and they don't have a fear of abandonment/ other issues, etc?

Went on a massive tangent here, apologies, but your comment has caused me to only just consider this.

Precisely, everyone who is a "cheater" had their first time doing it. It could happen to anyone at any given point.

No. I cheated several times in my first marriage (lasted 4 years before I left, but not for anyone else) because I felt trapped and unhappy. I don’t condone what I did, or feel proud.

I have never cheated on anyone since then. I had several relationships lasting a few years each before I met DH. We have been married for 29 years. If I was unhappy now, I would leave rather than cheat.

People grow up and become more resilient. Not all people, obviously- some just can’t say no.