Do you believe "once a cheater, always a cheater"

[worldshottestmom]

I just want to preface this before anyone jumps on me:

1. I’ve never cheated and never would.
2. I think it’s awful and I’m not trying to defend it at all.

Just interested in a general discussion really.

So, long story short one of my friends has been seeing a man for a couple of months and it’s starting to get a bit more serious. She thinks he’s great and can see it going somewhere, but her one hesitation is that he told her he cheated on his ex when he was 22. He’s now 31 (she’s 29).

it got us talking about the whole “once a cheater, always a cheater” thing. I’m a bit on the fence with it. I do think for some people it’s just who they are; no real morals, low self-esteem, impulsive, etc, and they’ll always cheat regardless.

But I also think there are cases where people cheat for different reasons (not excuses, obviously) — being unhappy in a relationship, insecure, drunk/stupid, drugs, etc etc. And especially when people are younger, I do think some are capable of growing up, having a period of self-reflection and growth, and gaining the morals and self-worth not to do it again.

I remember my mum always saying “a leopard never changes its spots” and “once a cheater, always a cheater” when I was growing up. And I do think that’s true sometimes. But is it naive to think people can actually change? That said, personally I don’t think I could be with someone if they told me they’d cheated in the past. It would just always be there in the back of my mind and wouldn’t feel worth the risk of not knowing and the uncertainty. I just wouldn't be able to trust them, personally.

On the flip side, I used to work with a woman who had an affair with a married man (she was also married at the time). They’re now married to each other and have been for years, seemingly happily. She said her ex was abusive and unsupportive, and his marriage had basically died. (Shes a massive over-sharer and told everyone everything, hence why I know all this!) It does make me wonder how that works though. wouldn’t you always have that doubt in the back of your mind? Especially given how their relationship started.

Although I suppose you never really know what goes on anyway, whether someone has cheated or not. If they haven't told you, id just be worried that i had simply not found out yet. Also, everyone who cheats has to do it for the first time at some point, so even someone with no “history” could still do it.

So… what do you think? Can an unfaithful leopard actually change its spots? or is it always the case that once a cheater, always a cheater?

And would you get into a relationship with someone who admitted they’d cheated in the past?

Also interested to hear from anyone who has pursued a relationship with someone that had cheated previously; did it work out or not?

ONS cheaters - always a cheat, open to it or likely to cheat again - talking about Men here. I know of men like this, friends of friends, work colleagues etc

Affair cheaters I think can change, even though this involves a lot more deception over a longer period, I think it’s more complex, and I think it’s possible they wouldn’t have another affair. Based on zero experience just a thought process.

He was 22! He can’t be judged for that still can he?

I saw a phone in once where the agony aunt said she is inclined to think cheating once means problem with the relationship. Repeated cheating, problem with the person.

i have become less black and white with my thinking on the subject as I’ve got older and I certainly think I wouldn’t judge someone for the rest of their life for cheating on a partner in early adulthood too

Cheating is less about the act and more about character, integrity and values. Those things rarely change dramatically

I cheated - I moved across country for a guy when I was 19 . Stupid young and naive - got pregnant , isolated as my family were miles away, not able to makes friends as I was 20 with a baby . He was an alcoholic out drinking every night , abusive I felt completely trapped and had no support network . I asked him to leave , he did but always came back making promises making me feel guilty for our child like I was breaking up the family - I took him back and he tried to suffocate me and wouldn’t leave. I met someone at work who I opened to and told everything to , and yes I cheated … im married to the guy I cheated with … married and together 20 years and still complete in love and have never ever even considered cheating.

Because people don't leave unless they think where they are going will be better. And a lot of people will keep tolerating a less than perfect marriage rather than break up a family especially where kids are involved. Sometimes meeting someone else can be the catalyst to decide enough is enough.

I do not believe once a cheat always a cheat. There definitely are some it applies to. But there are also many who might cheat in one set of circumstances and never do it again. It is all too easy to assume it is a fundamental character flaw rather than see that environment also plays a part.

I think this is a very good reply. I also think it could be a mistake to assume everyone would choose monogamy, all other things being equal. May be down to personality and/or past experiences, or even genetics. I don't know how all the factors interact, but I do think some people are serial monogamists and some are simply not cut out for long-term fidelity, even if they want to be.

I'm a non-ogamist now (!) but suspect I'm a serial monogamist by nature, despite wanting a lifetime committed relationship. I dumped my only truly decent boyfriend for a narcissistic cheat, only because he seemed more exciting 🙄I've never 'fully' cheated but have snogged other people, always when I was losing interest in my current partner - it was a signal that I needed to make a change.

I'm not sure many couples are faithful for life. I'm not even sure the occasional one-nighter should end a relationship: what kills it is the deception. Affairs are always bad, since they call for extended deception and warp the emotional landscape of the home relationship. The biggest danger of a ONS is, to me, that it will lead to an affair. But is there a right way to deal with a ONS? I suspect don't ask, don't tell might be the sanest approach - if the cheater's emotionally competent enough to handle it.

There again, if you aren't built for 50 years with the same partner, you aren't and your partner may get hurt.

In your friend's case, the Guy has been honest about a previous relationship.

As a rule, I'm not convinced that discussing previous relationships is a good idea, and basically it's no one else's business apart from the 2 people involved.

My attitude stems from my younger years when I was with a very controlling, insecure person. If I had my time over again, I should have told him to feck off the minute I started to be questioned about my past...

Yes. I believe once a cheater, always a cheater.

Nope. Leopards. Spots. And all that.

It’s not always black and white, in my opinion.
There is cheating within a marriage that the other person thinks is going well, that’s very malicious, but it’s also very different to when done in a relationship that is already dead in everything but name.
There’s cheating whilst still having sex with the original partner, that disregard for other’s health is who they are…but ‘cheating’ once you’ve stopped having sex and are in the process of splitting (which can take a while), both are very different.

I do believe generally people have patterns and they don’t usually do things once. On the other hand relationships are not just one person they are two people and that means that the same dynamics might never happen for the person who cheated again. It is not straightforward answer. Some people will cheat again and again that is their pattern and others will only cheat in certain relationships that is their pattern and the relationship where they cheated might be a once in a lifetime thing.

You never know if you're getting with someone who is being fake saying they regret it, but deep down is just a lying manipulator who lacks empathy.

Hmm… I think this line of thinking is counterintuitive to be honest, someone who was truly like that probably wouldn’t even admit to cheating in the first place; much easier to lie and save themselves the grief.

I despise cheaters but I do have respect for those who own it and disclose it to prospective new partners; it makes me think that if anyone can change their spots, it’s most likely to be them as they’re obviously taking accountability and showing some introspection.

No, I don’t. Not in every circumstance. I don’t think that someone cheating on a girlfriend/boyfriend by having a one night stand when they’re ~20 will mean that they can’t be faithful to a spouse 20 yrs later.
Someone who has a longer term affair though I think is less likely to change because that level of consistent lying and deception, and lack of respect for their partner, are more indicative of their personality imo.

No. Because I cheated and I know I would never do it again.

Obviously some will go on to do it repeatedly but the reasons and circumstances that people cheat vary wildly. I’m not saying any of them are valid, but there’s differences that I think might make it more likely that someone would cheat again.

Rightly or wrongly many people will have cheated at some point in their lives and you will never know. Your best friend might be cheating on her husband, right now, she just hasn’t told you. Your husband of 30 years may never have looked at another woman, until he does and by that point, it’s too late. He’s a cheater.

I’ve never cheated and I don’t want to either but if I can make that conscious decision not to, then another person who has previously cheated can also make that decision too, despite their past.

I think it depends on the circumstances really.

If they were very young in a more casual relationship and immediately ended things because of it, then I'd say that was very different to cheating on a long established relationship and doing their best to hide everything.

I cheated on my on/off again bf when I first moved away to Uni and broke up with him for good two days later. 6 weeks later I met my OH and was with him for 15 years without ever cheating. I had no desire to as i loved my partner and would never do anything to hurt him.

I think anyone who engaged in long term subterfuge to hide an affair is someone who probably can't be trusted again. But someone who had a moment of madness and immediately confessed may not do it again as it obviously wasn't something they enjoyed.

As you can tell from my user name this is something that has preoccupied me too. My user name was chosen on here when I discovered I was married to a cheater.

My summary is:
In the majority of cases ( but not all) cheaters will re- cheat; leopards do not change their spots.

To clarify the background, I have never cheated and would not do so. It’s deceitful, hurtful, destructive and unkind. My exH had been divorced two years when we met. I was wary and on our first date specifically asked why he was divorced and were any third parties involved in his marriage breakdown. He looked me deep in the eye and said no third parties were involved ‘ categorically not’. . I believed him innocently only having experienced honest friends and family. I later discovered he’d lied from the outset, he’d cheated on his first wife, later cheated on me and has since cheated on OW.

It’s a myth that the poor cheaters cheat to escape their unhappy marriages. Of course there are some exceptions, but most cheaters cheat for the excitement and to escape from themselves.

Positive cup -half-full people enjoy and work on their marriages. They water the grass at home.

Often, the cheaters are the cup -half -empty types, with some internal discontent eating away at them like a rotten apple. A new prospect gives them the opportunity to reinvent themselves. For several months they can be anyone they like, a better version of themselves. The OW/OM does not see the reality of who they really are and that is irresistibly exciting and compelling.

(My previous post was deleted because of allegedly using AI but I didn’t! Just used headings to make it easier to follow!)

I shagged an ax when I had a bf when I was about 22. Not something I’d ever repeat, was more to do with my low self esteem and daddy issues that I’ve long since resolved, went against my moral compass and was a drunken decision that I regretted. At 42 I’m mature enough to not do that again. Actually at 23 I was mature enough to realise I’d never do it again

Umm I cheated when I was 18 when I found out a partner was cheating on me. Have never done it again. Hugely against my morals and I guess really I should have walked away but was young and naive and it was eventually me that did end the toxic relationship (and not for someone else!) so I think young and stupid I would give a chance. Cheating later in life in serious long term relationships then no I wouldn’t trust them not to do it again!

I also feel though that women cheat for different reasons than men! Women when the relationship is already dead and men for attention.

Honestly I think there are 2 different types.

There are the ones who cheated when young early 20's etc because they are young and foolish. But also often would be in a relationship when they should have broken up way before the event.

Then there are those who think it's acceptable regardless at any stage in life.

The first definitely can and does change the second no they don't.

I know many of the first camp and all now in marriages for 8+ years have never cheated on their spouses.

I know 1 of the second now onto their 3rd affair partner.

Same as me. I had a mad period and whilst I didn’t fall in love with anyone else I cheated with multiple people.
Told partner. We managed to work through it, got married and are still together 20 years later. I’ve never cheated in anyway since and never will again. The guilt I felt after the mad period was over was so immense.

If they cheated when young and stupid and owned up to it I would be more confident they wouldn't do it again.