Do you believe "once a cheater, always a cheater"

[worldshottestmom]

I just want to preface this before anyone jumps on me:

1. I’ve never cheated and never would.
2. I think it’s awful and I’m not trying to defend it at all.

Just interested in a general discussion really.

So, long story short one of my friends has been seeing a man for a couple of months and it’s starting to get a bit more serious. She thinks he’s great and can see it going somewhere, but her one hesitation is that he told her he cheated on his ex when he was 22. He’s now 31 (she’s 29).

it got us talking about the whole “once a cheater, always a cheater” thing. I’m a bit on the fence with it. I do think for some people it’s just who they are; no real morals, low self-esteem, impulsive, etc, and they’ll always cheat regardless.

But I also think there are cases where people cheat for different reasons (not excuses, obviously) — being unhappy in a relationship, insecure, drunk/stupid, drugs, etc etc. And especially when people are younger, I do think some are capable of growing up, having a period of self-reflection and growth, and gaining the morals and self-worth not to do it again.

I remember my mum always saying “a leopard never changes its spots” and “once a cheater, always a cheater” when I was growing up. And I do think that’s true sometimes. But is it naive to think people can actually change? That said, personally I don’t think I could be with someone if they told me they’d cheated in the past. It would just always be there in the back of my mind and wouldn’t feel worth the risk of not knowing and the uncertainty. I just wouldn't be able to trust them, personally.

On the flip side, I used to work with a woman who had an affair with a married man (she was also married at the time). They’re now married to each other and have been for years, seemingly happily. She said her ex was abusive and unsupportive, and his marriage had basically died. (Shes a massive over-sharer and told everyone everything, hence why I know all this!) It does make me wonder how that works though. wouldn’t you always have that doubt in the back of your mind? Especially given how their relationship started.

Although I suppose you never really know what goes on anyway, whether someone has cheated or not. If they haven't told you, id just be worried that i had simply not found out yet. Also, everyone who cheats has to do it for the first time at some point, so even someone with no “history” could still do it.

So… what do you think? Can an unfaithful leopard actually change its spots? or is it always the case that once a cheater, always a cheater?

And would you get into a relationship with someone who admitted they’d cheated in the past?

Also interested to hear from anyone who has pursued a relationship with someone that had cheated previously; did it work out or not?

Yes, being 22 is a major risk factor. I don’t know many people who didn’t cheat in their 20s, (myself included) just because there were so many hot young people around all the time. And we had so much energy!

All just seems like a lot of mess and effort now we’re saggy and slow and tired 🤣

I mean a man who has cheated on his wife and abandoned his family, hell no- never worth the risk.
A guy now in his mid-40s who cheated on a girlfriend of six months when he was 23 at uni and hasn’t cheated since… you’re comparing apples with oranges really.
Young people can do stupid things because they are young and stupid and inexperienced in life and humans and emotions.
I think people can certainly grow up.

My parents had a horrible marriage, they were absolute poison together. My dad was physically, emotionally and financially abusive to my mum, me and my brother. (My mum was "just" emotionally and verbally abusive to me and my brother.)

My dad had constant and multiple affairs all throughout their marriage, with no attempt to hide it at all. Quite the opposite actually. Looking back now, I'm certain that he deliberately left 'evidence' in his pockets, knowing that she would check and find them - receipts for nice restaurants when we constantly went hungry, receipts for clothing and jewelry from high end shops etc when we had clothes from car boot sales. It was all designed to punish/hurt her, obviously, and she never said a thing to him about it because she was too scared of his reaction.

When they eventually split up, my dad became a serial monogamist! He was incredibly generous to his friends, neighbours, partners and AFAIK he never lifted a hand to anyone for the rest of his life. He obviously just hated us.

My mum did go on to have have 2 other relationships but they both cheated on her, one in his 60s and the other in his 70s.

It takes a certain mentality to cheat so yes if someone has cheated in the past they probably will again. They don't see it's wrong, if they did they wouldn't have done it the first time. If you want someone else just leave your current partner openly first.

Hmm I don't know. This feels defensive and I can understand why. But its ironic you would suggest people assuming that cheaters don't change are the unempathetic ones. The person cheating has no empathy for their partners feelings, clearly. You can't blame someone who has been burnt in the past for living by this phrase as a self-protective mechanism. I wouldn't call it emotionally immature either, I would call cheating emotionally immature.

That being said, I don't think judgement should necessarily be passed to people who used to cheat but changed their ways, as in your case, you had very valid reasons behind it. And that was the point of the post really, I think some people can change. I just dont think they all can. And I certainly don't blame anyone for not pursuing a relationship with a known cheater, I know I wouldn't. Perhaps I would change my mind if I was older, perhaps not. A very grey area.

These things are rarely black and white and yes l believe people can change

I was hoping someone would say this tbh. This is what I was getting at in part of my OP, I think the person you're with can heavily determine this. If unhappy and fulfilled with one person you may cheat, but with another you may be overjoyed and content and therefore not cheat. Why is why I believe people can grow out of cheating. But there are some who are just relentless with it and Im not even going to try and understand what goes on in their head tbh.

Um, well this may get me roasted but I cheated on my ex, it was an awful physically and emotionally abusive, controlling relationship and I had a seriously intense emotional affair (well, 99% emotional, we kissed once) with a much older colleague. I was only 21, so so lost in my life and I rather hope I’d handle things differently now(!) and I certainly can’t see myself ever cheating again. I have been with my husband ten years, very happily married, and the very idea of cheating on him is so alien to me. So no, I don’t think once a cheat, always a cheat is accurate. Of course many will cheat again and again, but plenty, I think, wouldn’t.

I love this comment and agree completely. I think there are many reasons why some people never change or grow out of it, and this is just a handful of reasons why. Thanks for articulating them so well!

I don't think you will get roasted for that, given the type of person your ex was he deserved everything he got tbh. And i don't think that was your fault at all. Not ideal to cheat, no, but i think permissible in cases like this.

Im glad to know you wouldn't consider it now, and this is what i was getting at in that i think for a lot of people, who they are actually with heavily determines their loyalty to them, rather than it coming down to inherently being a cheater. Its very grey and nuanced but interested by the different opinions here.

I have never cheated but I have been the OW. I was 18 and I regret it. It ended because I made him choose me or her. He chose her which I am grateful for now as I could never have fully trusted him. He’d proven himself to be unfaithful.

I do believe some people won’t cheat again but I wouldn’t trust someone if I knew they had.

I know someone at work who cheated on his ex-wife with another colleague. He married the OW. Clearly worked out, right? Nope! He’s now cheated on the OW with someone else from work. If I was the first wife, I’d be laughing at this because this is a man who clearly can’t keep it in his pants.

No. Too simplistic and it often fits a narrative from the cheated on.

We have 2 really close friends that cheated in their first marriages, went on to marry the affair partners and are enjoying very happy, long marriages now. They were simply with the wrong person in their first marriages.

Oof rough, though being 18 i have the natural inclination to assume you were probably groomed / manipulated a bit into it. And i also just have a tendency to side with women over men but whatever

I feel the same way tbh I just don't know if I could trust them.

Ah god, a take as old as time. How utterly embarrassing for all of them involved, this is exactly what I was getting at about starting a relationship in this way, I just don't see why anyone would take the risk and think its gonna work out well. I know some do (!) But just seems far more often than not it ends like this.

Fair enough but I just dont understand in that case, why not just end the marriage first? Why go out sampling better options first? Its just slimey behaviour and this is why I just couldn't trust them. I have no doubt theyre very happy together now but still, why not be a big person and end it because your unhappy, not just when someone better comes along? Ick

He was 27 so yes I was definitely groomed. There was also the dynamic of him being in a position of authority. He had been a leader in a youth group I was in but obviously I was an adult when it became intimate. I got a lucky escape.

It really is embarrassing. People are laughing at them and it’s hard to have any sympathy.

I do think once a cheat always a cheat. I’m early 40s now and that’s a pattern I’ve witnessed. Even if the cheat had long relationships after a cheat breakup, they too eventually ended via cheating. I would give a caveat for the very young like teens who are learning how to behave in relationships, but I personally have never known (of) a cheat who didn’t repeat that behaviour eventually.

No, I think people grow and learn from their mistakes.

Yes.

My exDH of 20 years cheated on me, oh she loved rubbing it in my face. He’s cheated on her numerous times and left her for someone else.

HA.

Vengeance at it's finest lol

The boy from the valleys cheated on his first wife and left her.

He often cheated on his second wife who was not the one he left wife no.1 for, and sadly she died.

He cheated on his fiancé. She took him back for a few years.
He cheated again so fiancé left him.

He’s now with his New Supply. The only reason he might not cheat on her is because he’s an old man now and probably needs her to look after him. “I love you” rolls so easily off his tongue.

On Line Dating is his sweetie shop on Cheats’ Street.

Once a cheater, always a cheater until they’re old and need a nurse.

My mum is in her 60s and has the exact same opinion. I also think a lot of people who are young that cheat are perfectly capable of going on to not repeating their behaviour in future relationships, but perhaps makes it more likely

Not in my experience. I know a few couples who have cheated and now they’re married with kids and are like every other couple.

Ive cheated and been cheated on. People grow up, I’m not the same person I was in my 20s. I met my husband in that way (backstory was similar to a previous poster) and the same with him. We’re married with children and very much in love with each other. Cheating or being cheated on doesn’t even cross my mind.

Jesus, what a roller coaster. This is the kind of person I referred to in my original post; the kind that is deeply insecure with no self esteem, etc. Im not certain that any amount of therapy can help those types.

My father was a serial cheater who wrecked so many lives, who caused so much pain to so many people. I've spent a long time reading and listening to infidelity stories, trying to understand why someone could behave this way.

Imv it goes to a weakness of character: it requires (1) an inner emptiness and need for external validation, and (2) a fundamental self-centred sense of entitlement and lack of empathy.

I think these two things might be common among people in their teens and early 20s, when the brain is still developing. So if someone cheated in this period, I'd probably let it go (but it would be a flag in my subconscious). However, someone who cheated in their 30s or after that, I'd not want to be in a romantic relationship with them. That's too old to be making such bad and cruel decisions.

This is such a complex question. Just before I type down my opinion, I am happily married, been with my wife for a little less than two decades now, never cheated, was never tempted, even though there would have been opportunities to do so, and get away with it...
"Once a cheater, always a cheater" - for me it is a yes and no type of a situation. Yes, when it comes to the partner who got cheated on, but no, as a whole.

I never, under any circumstances could look past cheating, for the life of me I will never understand those who will try to "make it work" after an affair, etc. Once you cheated on me, there is no return, you broke something that can't be fixed, and worst of all - by choice. It is always a choice. I cringe every time someone pulls the "accident" card. It wouldn't matter to me if my partner would never cheat ever again, it already happened. So for me, that partner is forever a cheater. But, after all that, would she be forever a cheater down the line, with someone else? No, whatever happened in our relationship, was our business.. She can easily be a faithful partner to someone else.

So, while I absolutely would not tolerate cheating of any kind, and it would be the end of the relationship for me, I do believe people can change their ways, and they could learn from it - the guilt, the pain caused, etc., I can definitely see it staying with someone as a lesson. So, it is possible.