Do you believe "once a cheater, always a cheater"

[worldshottestmom]

I just want to preface this before anyone jumps on me:

1. I’ve never cheated and never would.
2. I think it’s awful and I’m not trying to defend it at all.

Just interested in a general discussion really.

So, long story short one of my friends has been seeing a man for a couple of months and it’s starting to get a bit more serious. She thinks he’s great and can see it going somewhere, but her one hesitation is that he told her he cheated on his ex when he was 22. He’s now 31 (she’s 29).

it got us talking about the whole “once a cheater, always a cheater” thing. I’m a bit on the fence with it. I do think for some people it’s just who they are; no real morals, low self-esteem, impulsive, etc, and they’ll always cheat regardless.

But I also think there are cases where people cheat for different reasons (not excuses, obviously) — being unhappy in a relationship, insecure, drunk/stupid, drugs, etc etc. And especially when people are younger, I do think some are capable of growing up, having a period of self-reflection and growth, and gaining the morals and self-worth not to do it again.

I remember my mum always saying “a leopard never changes its spots” and “once a cheater, always a cheater” when I was growing up. And I do think that’s true sometimes. But is it naive to think people can actually change? That said, personally I don’t think I could be with someone if they told me they’d cheated in the past. It would just always be there in the back of my mind and wouldn’t feel worth the risk of not knowing and the uncertainty. I just wouldn't be able to trust them, personally.

On the flip side, I used to work with a woman who had an affair with a married man (she was also married at the time). They’re now married to each other and have been for years, seemingly happily. She said her ex was abusive and unsupportive, and his marriage had basically died. (Shes a massive over-sharer and told everyone everything, hence why I know all this!) It does make me wonder how that works though. wouldn’t you always have that doubt in the back of your mind? Especially given how their relationship started.

Although I suppose you never really know what goes on anyway, whether someone has cheated or not. If they haven't told you, id just be worried that i had simply not found out yet. Also, everyone who cheats has to do it for the first time at some point, so even someone with no “history” could still do it.

So… what do you think? Can an unfaithful leopard actually change its spots? or is it always the case that once a cheater, always a cheater?

And would you get into a relationship with someone who admitted they’d cheated in the past?

Also interested to hear from anyone who has pursued a relationship with someone that had cheated previously; did it work out or not?

That hit a bad nerve, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I was the same very early on and it makes me feel so sad for myself when I think about it. Was literally a child for 2 of them.

I agree. I think this is a very balanced and objective comment and I like it. Despite having cheated yourself, you didn't rush to defend it but just took accountability. I think your assessment of it is correct, in my opinion.

Firstly, sorry for being so unresponsive, I woke up feeling like i had been hit by 2 trains and a lorry and idek how I've survived today.

The comments on this thread have really opened my eyes to a wider perspective on this. So many people with stories of being cheated on with people who are just prolific cheaters, and so many others who have been cheated on but have been able to work on their relationship and made it a success. Some people who have cheated themselves, and have clearly grown as a person since then with the lesson learned to never do it again.

I think this is such a grey area, that I don't believe that once a cheater, always a cheater.

That being said, I think it applies in a heavy amount of cases, and for those people it is a fundamental character flaw, caused by so many potential factors, and it is likely they will not stop their behaviour until they're dying and need a nurse. I think people who have no history of cheating who then go on to do it, usually comes down to a mid life crisis sort of situation (among other reasons, of course).

I also think that age plays a significant part in the likelihood of repeated cheating and motivation for doing so. It seems young people who cheat are significantly less likely to do it once matured, and only did so due to being (and/or) young, a bit stupid, under the influence, no true understanding of how relationships work, and because having an underdeveloped brain just makes you reckless. Among so many other factors.

That being said, there are such exceptional circumstances that can apply. Many here detailing how they cheated to escape abusive relationships. I do not blame these people whatsoever. I think if you're an abuser, you deserve to get cheated on. And I know, it's never the right course of action, and cheating isn't necessary to escape abuse, but I think until you've been in that situation you can never truly empathise with how it makes you feel. Someone showing you positive interest and attention; such a stark contrast to physical/emotional etc abuse, will likely lead to cheating and i think in those instances the person is not at fault. I think this applies to unhappy marriages where abuse isn't involved, as well, but in those instances still have a bit of a reservation about why they don't just end it first (I have read the explanations thus far, but I stand firm on this).

I could go on and on about the various circumstances, but we get the idea. I truly believe some people can change, albeit more likely if they cheated when young only. I think others make the conscious choice to cheat, and refuse to change, and will do it regardless of any other factors.

I had a feeling this thread may have turned out a bit nasty, and I'm so glad it didn't! It feels like its been a really constructive and open debate which is what I was hoping for. I do genuinely believe my understanding of the whole notion of cheating has improved from this, and I thank you all for commenting and contributing to my learning about it.

Now excuse me while I feel sorry for myself until I fall asleep.

It depends on the circumstances, if you are in an unhappy relationship you are more likely to cheat than if you are happily settled. I know some people who cheated in previous relationships and didn't in their current one.

I’m totally with you. Great way to put it.

I always refused to get married as it’s sacred and I knew I couldn’t just be with one person.

then I met my husband. I’ve cheated in every relationship I’ve had EXEPT my husband. 14 years and I’ve had no interest in anyone else. Just him.

I do believe that, yes, because at the end of the day it’s a character and integrity issue. Those are not simple or easy characteristics to radically alter. You’re either the kind of person to cheat or you’re not.

This intrigued me from the Denver study conclusions.

• A person is two to four times more likely to be cheated on if they have been cheated on or have suspected cheating in a prior relationship.

Why would this be?

Thank you. That's really kind. I'm sorry I hit a nerve though. I think a lot of women probably do feel like quite a few early relationships looking back were not really consensual.
But we live and learn hopefully.
Wishing you the best for the future x

Think it might be because the cheated upon are probably trusting and tend to believe someone is faithful. I know I did. For decades. It's a character flaw in the cheater, and entitlement. They feel entitled to cheat because their wants are more important than their spouse's peace of mind and health, and they like to have 2 women (or men) on the go.
As a member of infidelity support groups I've noticed there can sometimes be another aspect. A fair number of cheaters are actually quite abusive. After an abusive relationship unless you've learned early signs of abuse, which I did at the freedom programme, a lot of early signs like love bombing and going too fast, talking about an exclusive future etc, can be missed.
They can get pretty huffy if you question them about anything they are questioned about and the cheated upon learns not to question.
So maybe it's the type of person who trusts that cheaters can spot a mile off
Is there a category in the study for those who have been cheated on who decide that relationships are not worth .the heartache and so not want to experience a nasty break up. It took me 3 years to actually manage to divorce him, a breakdown in my physical and mental health as he held things up for such a long time, I had to go to court otherwise I think we'd still not be divorced, and I am reluctant to risk being in a situation like that again. Having to have STI tests after decades of fidelity was a horrible experience.

A very close friend of mine cheated on her husband at the end of her marriage before I met her. Think the husband was cheating on her every time he went out and wasn't particularly nice (I've met him many times as they share children and he even tried it on with me once), she wasn't really allowed out then met someone at work who she started kind of seeing just before they split up. He ended up being a domestic abuser and had love bombed her.

It was definitely a case of low self esteem because she was being treated so badly within her marriage. She knows it was wrong and I can categorically tell you she's one of the nicest and most caring people I've ever met. After the AP was arrested for his abuse she met someone a couple of years later and they've now been together for 8 years, she never cheated on the AP or never has with her partner now. As I say, she knows she shouldn't have started something before the end of her marriage but I don't believe she is a serial cheater and think she learned her lesson.

It isn’t so black and white. I’ve been married to my DH for many years, we met as teenagers and have children. I love him yet still found myself falling for a colleague a couple of years ago. I beat myself up a lot for it, tried to stop it, was impossible to stay away from him because I worked with him, the feeling went both ways which worsened it. At first I denied it and minimised it, head mocking the heart’s desires sort of thing. It resulted in an EA (never physical- just intense tension like Pam and Jim in The Office) and in the end he had to return to his home country so it ended abruptly. It was very hard to say goodbye to one another and difficult to move on too. I still think about him.

It was a betrayal in ways despite not being physical and when my DH found out (he trawled through my emails), he was understandably devastated. We had to go through counselling, it was rough. But I understand it isn’t always as black and white as “just leave”. We were two married people with children, mortgages and all the rest- not free, young, single people. Had we met as single people, I have no doubt we’d be together. It really wouldn’t have been right to fuck up our home lives so we made the “right” decision but we’re humans so we have feelings, and that’s messy and imperfect.

My overall point is show me an infallible human. We’re all flawed and we all cock up sometimes. I guess you have to look at patterns of behaviour. If someone repeatedly fucks up in the same way throughout their life, that probably is just them. If they make an error of judgement once and never repeat, unless it’s like murder or something they can probably be forgiven.

Of course it depends on the circumstances.

My dad's first wife was a violent monster - when he died aged 95 his poor body still bore scars from her frequent assaults (stabbing etc).

He met my mom while married and they fell in love, started an affair and eventually he found the courage to leave.

I don't give a fuck that he cheated on that monster, and celebrate anything that helped him get away from her.

If people can't see that circumstances like this make cheating entirely justifiable, then I honestly think they need different priorities.

What lesson should she learn? Who on earth can judge her for cheating on a man who was respectedly disrespecting her. Why should it matter? There was nothing there to betray.

People don’t change.

Nonsense. Of course they do.

I don't think every cheater is guaranteed to cheat again. But I do think that if someone has already cheated then they're much more likely to cheat again than someone who has never cheated. It's like how someone who was abusive in a previous relationship is more likely to be abusive in a future relationship than someone who's got no history of abuse.

Nonsense. They really don’t.

I cheated on my ex. We got together as teenagers. I didn’t realise it at the time but now I understand he was coercively controlling me. I was very unhappy yet unable to leave him. I cheated on him with various others. Until I met ‘the one’. I am still with ‘the one’ 25 years on and never so much as looked at anyone else.

Predictably, this thread is full of cheaters rationalising and justifying their deception, which rather proves the point. Cheating reveals an ability to lie to the people that you are supposed to love and that put their trust in you, including your children if you have them. Finding out a parent is cheating rocks the foundations of your world.

So you genuinely believe that cheating on someone who violently abuses you makes you a bad person?

Why? You are not "supposed to love" someone who abuses you.

And if the affair helps you get away from your abuser, you are saving your children from years more pain and suffering.

Who loses? The abuser only. And why would you care about that?

It seems to me that the belief that cheating is ALWAYS wrong is an irrational belief akin to the belief that taking a human life is ALWAYS wrong.

If I shoot someone in the head before they gun down a class full of 5 year olds - am I wrong?

Only if you place an irrational emphasis on a "rule". No rational examination of the situation could support the idea I was wrong.

Same with cheating. If people want to fail to look at situations as they actually are, and just stick their fingers in their ears and shout "la la la, cheating is wrong, not listening to anything else you have to say....."

Well, we are all entitled to our own opinions. But I can't see either view as rational. Perhaps it's due to a belief in the 10 commandments, something like that? A set of rules that must be followed, WHATEVER the human cost.....

I know they do. We have 2 very close friends that had affairs in unhappy marriages. They’ve both gone on to marry the affair partners and they are very happy and have been for years. Neither are serial cheaters.

Yes, any kind of dishonesty or deception, such as cheating, is a massive red flag. If someone has the mind to be dishonest in one way, they're more like to do it again or be dishonest in other ways. I absolutely abhor any kind of dishonesty/deception (or any kind of crime generally) so I'd not touch such a person with a bargepole.

It's easy not to cheat - you either don't do it, or you break up with who you're with and then you're free to do it. It's not rocket science. It's not just the sex either, it's all the dishonesty around it, the lies, etc.

Did you cheat?

Just wait.