Gym class clique ignores me but chats with others, how to handle?

[Butterflyface2023]

I’ve been going to my local gym for almost two years now and usually attend a mix of classes. I’m there fairly regularly, so I see the same faces across the week and weekend. The general atmosphere is friendly — lots of chatty people, a mix of ages, and a steady flow of new members. I’ve met some lovely people and usually feel quite at ease.
There’s one thing that’s been bothering me, though. There’s a particular group — mostly women and one guy — who all seem very close. They chat before and after classes, and it’s clear they spend time together socially outside the gym. They’re friendly with others, but with me it’s… odd. I’ve tried saying hello a few times, and they either barely acknowledge me or ignore me completely. When I walk into the room, they don’t look up or say hi, even though they do with others. Interestingly, one of the girls will chat to me when she’s not with the group.
It’s starting to play on my mind more than I’d like. I’m not sure if it’s territorial, cliquey, or just a personality mismatch. People often tell me I’m pretty, so part of me wonders if that’s a factor, but I’m aware I might be overthinking.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of dynamic in a gym or class setting? **

Does it really matter? Sounds like they’re a friendship group - and not particularly interested in conversation for whatever reason. Who knows why.

They speak to others outside of the group - but just not me... It makes me feel paranoid

There could be so many reasons, stop giving it headspace.. They don’t know you so why do you care?

It’s a you problem, only inasmuch as it’s only you that can give it less headspace.

Match their energy. If I’ve said hello, smiled at someone or whatever a couple of times and not even got that back, I just stop doing it. That’s often when they actually start saying hello…

The fact that you've characterised them as a 'clique' rather than just a group of friends does make it seem as though you are viewing their interactions through a negative lens. If you already have an idea in your head that they are 'exclusive', then that might explain why you feel singled out by them not being overly friendly, rather than just thinking of them as people you don't know.

Its probably because you are drop dead gorgeous and they are jealous of you

Yep this. Not every group of friends has to be a clique. It doesn’t sound like they are rude or unpleasant to you. Sometimes people’s social cups are just full with what they have. I doubt you being pretty or not has anything to do with it.

It takes nothing to say ‘hello’ even if you don’t know someone particularly well - try not to let it take too much headspace op and just enjoy the class.

This sounds so familiar, although the situation I am thinking of is gym parents (of small group programmes for under-16s). It certainly did, and does, cause a friend of mine a great deal of unhappy thinking, which spills over into her doubting other situations. Even the 'One person does talk to me when the others are not in earshot' is the same.

The clinch came when there were clear indications that this (equivalent) group was also close to/ territorial around one of the very well-loved coaches. At least one parent had 'followed' her from another gym, because nobody else had the special pedestal that she had, which has slightly creepy overtones to me. It's horrible to see how much this can undermine my friend's esteem and confidence and although it is all very friendly and the gym even pushes 'values' in a big way, it's nothing but toxic.

Think hard if you want to be like that group, and invest 2x as much in all other non-gym relationships if you can - not necessarily on social friendship level, just decent, professional and pleasant behaviour/interaction level. You need mirrors that can pull the paranoid feelings of one strange group into perspective, and when you recognise that it's a small area that reacts this way, it should start to be easier to think it's just how they are, and not you.

You have to get yourself to a point where the opinions of random strangers mean nothing to you.

It's uncomfortable, but its only a problem if you let it be one.

Lots of people you meet will like you. These ones don't.

They don't really know you, so it's no reflection on who you really are.

Try to care less, I promise you it's worth the effort to be free of intrusive thoughts about this stuff.

I think you are probably worrying about nothing. It is similar at my gym. Quite a few who go to coffee together, chat lots to each other; others who are regular faces, quite friendly with the in-crowd but a bit more on the margins, and still others like me who are only involved with others in a more minimal way, occasionally chatting about gym-stuff but not about our lives outside the gym.

It troubles me a bit that I honestly don't know how I would go about moving in to the more involved set. I guess it would just be about having the confidence to suggest participating in coffees, etc. But I can't do that sort of thing and I guess I give off vibes of being more comfortable with minimal (but friendly) engagement, which I enjoy and find more relaxing than proper friendship. So I think my permanent outsider status is a 'me thing', not down to any snootiness or hostility from the others.

I think this is probably a very common dynamic. The only clue to there possibly being something more problematic in your situation id your remark about your prettiness. To most people that would be something so stonkingly irrelevant that I wonder if you, not they, are the one bringing something problematic. If you are anxious and/or overconfident about your relative attractiveness, that is probably something they are aware of and feel alienated by.

Such a good point!
Thank you.

I don’t chat to randoms at the gym. You’re a random. If I went with friends, which they clearly do, I’d chat to my friends only. Is the gym really some place people go expecting to make friends?

Just enjoy your workouts and I’d stop trying to talk to them if they aren’t chatty. Has a friendly hello in the past led to you trying to launch yourself into their conversation? If so, I get it. They’re giving you the signal that they don’t want to talk and that’s okay.

Honestly they aren’t thinking about you, that’s why they don’t say anything, your presence doesn’t register. Just stop focusing on them. They aren’t a clique as you’re not entitled to join them, they are just a group of friends and will have no idea you’re focusing on them and want to be involved.

Is the gym really some place people go expecting to make friends?

I joined a gym not only to exercise but also for the social aspect - there’s a lot of people that wfh or don’t have an active social life that join places like the gym to get that interaction. I don’t mean making besties but for a bit of light social interaction and saying hello to the regulars at the very least!

I don’t get why if you’re pretty it’s anything to do with it. Are you trying to suggest the women are jealous of you or threatened? If so you really need to dial it back, you’re overthinking this and becoming a little obsessed

they are a group of friends, politely you’re a random thay they aren’t interested in, they won’t even give you any thought.

when I’m with my friends I don’t look up at everyone coming in, I don’t acknowledge everyone, just those I know, anyone else doesn’t even register. Not because I’m in a clique just thays how everyone behaves, it’s Normal.

and again there is no clique, it’s jist friends, there is no personality mismatch, because they don’t know you, or you them. You’re just someone at the gym.

With the caveat that I don't think you should worry about it.... but as you clearly are and want answers.... I think this kind of dynamic is not uncommon in gyms where the same people go to the same classes and socialize together. I recognize it from mine - there can feel like a bit of an 'in-group' mentality, and those in the group take the classes very seriously, always know the new releases before anyone else (including the instructor sometimes). When they do take against people (and this can be the case, I've genuinely heard the conversations) it's often about them taking 'their' spaces, or 'pre-cueing' - doing the higher option before it's introduced in the set, as if to show off.

This is all very petty and not worth worrying about, but just though I'd share as you obviously are worrying about it. Sometimes people take against people, and it's silly.

Being pretty can definitely be a thing in such situations. I have had some instances where people admitted to me - after they actually got to know me- they thought I must be arrogant, or (jokingly) were 'disappointed' that am a nice person as they 'really wanted to hate me' 😆 So it does happen and honestly, while people considering me pretty has its upsides, it can be really annoying that people assume that this means you are arrogant or not a good person and that you have to actually prove this!

How absurd to assume a group of friends not wanting you in their friendship group is because you’re too pretty. It is obviously never ever going to be the reason why an entire group of people don’t want to be friends with you, but if it makes you happier to assume that’s the reason, then go for it.

no one here knows op. Maybe you’re irritating?

If you are watching them that closely to know they interact with every single other person they come across you probably come across as a creepy stalker.

You shouldn't have said the bit about being pretty, OP 😂. It's a bit irritating in itself, admittedly, but it does mean now that everyone is going to want to tell you they're probably an incredibly friendly and open group of pals, but they simply either do not register you at all or that you're actively appalling and they're right to shun you.

Saying it does make it sound as though it's something you're quite conscious of. But some people have said I'm pretty and many (many more!) others haven't, and I don't think either way it has much to do with whether or not people take to me.

Glad to read that most people aren't that shallow, but it's not constructive to deny that "pretty people bias" isn't a thing. The (perceived) tone of the posters dismissing that idea without further questions are a good example of being shut down in the real world just because people had one look and then judged.

I don’t think other people being flattering towards you has any bearing on strangers in the gym being friendly with each other! People tell each other they’re pretty all the time (although most people I know would use ‘attractive’, pretty sounds a bit plain Jane!), and to my knowledge it doesn’t affect making friends or nodding to acquaintances at the gym!

Are they only friendly with people outside the group that are ugly 🤔

But the pretty people bias usually works in the pretty person’s favour. They’re more likely to make friends, more likely to have others be kind to them.

I think people are just saying that others compliment each other as par the course. You’d hardly go around telling your friends they’re pretty look like a troll!!