Gym class clique ignores me but chats with others, how to handle?

[Butterflyface2023]

I’ve been going to my local gym for almost two years now and usually attend a mix of classes. I’m there fairly regularly, so I see the same faces across the week and weekend. The general atmosphere is friendly — lots of chatty people, a mix of ages, and a steady flow of new members. I’ve met some lovely people and usually feel quite at ease.
There’s one thing that’s been bothering me, though. There’s a particular group — mostly women and one guy — who all seem very close. They chat before and after classes, and it’s clear they spend time together socially outside the gym. They’re friendly with others, but with me it’s… odd. I’ve tried saying hello a few times, and they either barely acknowledge me or ignore me completely. When I walk into the room, they don’t look up or say hi, even though they do with others. Interestingly, one of the girls will chat to me when she’s not with the group.
It’s starting to play on my mind more than I’d like. I’m not sure if it’s territorial, cliquey, or just a personality mismatch. People often tell me I’m pretty, so part of me wonders if that’s a factor, but I’m aware I might be overthinking.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of dynamic in a gym or class setting? **

Yes, exactly. If anything, people are more likely to be friendly to, or at least to acknowledge, someone who is more than averagely attractive.

OP, this is a bit mad. They're friends, they see one another outside the context of the gym, so they're primarily focused on one another when they're there -- you are literally a blur in the background that doesn't really register.

I mean, if you're meeting friends for an activity, are you constantly checking around wherever it is you're meeting to greet other people doing the same thing who aren't your friends, in case they feel slighted?

The one who sometimes talks to you if the rest of the group isn't there is just noticing you when the rest of the group isn't taking her focus.

Are you normally this insecure that you need to create some kind of special narrative for why a bunch of strangers don't respond to you in the way you would like?

Fair enough, but the bias also has a negative impact which for some reason is a bit of a taboo, precisely because it is assumed that it works in their favour iyswim. I am just trying to clarify that while it has its upsides, it is definitely not always fun to be - albeit subconsciously- judged for it. I think denying that this happens is unhelpul.

Find a better gym.

Is this one quite middle-class? I've found that people in these places can be rather up themselves.

Not to be an arse but they aren’t making you feel paranoid that’s the story you are telling yourself and you are creating the feeling. But If they were ignoring you why are you fawning and trying to make them speak to you? Perhaps they don’t like you , but so what, is their opinion important?

I’ve been at my current gym for about six years. Speak to the owner if he speaks to me and say thanks if someone holds the door open but other than that I have never uttered a word to any other member. I’m just not interested in making friends or joining in with chit chat. Everyone is different, for some being part of a gym is chatting to everyone, there’s no right or wrong.

but agree if I was there with a friend and someone said hello I’d say hello back - and that would be it , I’d not launch into a conversation. And I do have random conversations with strangers so am not unfriendly but it’s natural not forced.

Isn’t the most likely explanation that they know each other from outside the gym? Maybe all their kids go to the same school or they do another hobby together. Certainly that’s the case at my gym - there are several mini groups who chat together but it’s because we know each other from elsewhere, not because we’ve made gym friends with some and are shunning the other gym goers.

And you lost me at “people often tell me I’m pretty” 🙄🙄🙄

It’s exactly the same in my gym. I’ve been going there for 15 years, know loads of people there but I’m nowhere near as pally with many of them as they are with each other. I have a good social life away from there whereas for many of them, they’re social life revolves around the gym and they made lots of friends as a consequence. I notice the same things you do - they gravitate towards each other at the beginning and end of classes. It’s fine by me, they’re not hostile but they want to chat to friends they have things in common with. I bet there are loads of people there who aren’t in this group

God the constant yacking before and after classes at my gym does my fucking head in. Like a PP, I say 'hi' to the receptionist, 'thanks' to the instructor and that's it. You'd love me, OP. I wouldn't make you feel paranoid, as I lie on my mat with my eyes closed, waiting for 19:30.

I would just have assumed they were friends outside of the gym first and all ended up becoming members together.

I've been going to gyms for years and have never really considered socialising with anyone I met there. They're not particuarly social places, really?

It's a well-known clique tactic. Choose one person to ignore. It helps them feel powerful. I would not have believed it until DC started primary school and I witnessed the Queen and her clique. It was text book.

You are The Person They Ignore.
Ignore them back. Talk to all the non clique people and none of the clique. Expect a sudden, effusive interest: Why do you never come for coffee with us after class? You must join us! etc - it will come out of the blue, maybe when someone else has had the audacity to assume they are becoming part of the clique. Then that person will get designated 'Person we don't talk to'. They can only get a kick from it if they register the ousted person's discomfort. If you don't care - truly don't care - they will spot that and try to engage you.

People-watch them out of anthropological interest but don't waste a second of your energy trying to befriend them or thinking you have done anything. They are not worth your time and you haven't.

Talk to all the non clique people and none of the clique.

Please don't do this. Some of us go to the gym to, you know, exercise. Not to chew the fat with lonely extroverts.

@TonissisterI’m sorry but I cannot ever imagine a group of adults, actual adults, making a decision to ignore just one person?!? The person saying it would sound like an absolute dick surely? ‘Hey guys, there’s Melanie, let’s make a pact to ignore her’ surely surely said no adult ever?

People are getting hung up on the pretty bias, I’m considered pretty and yes sometimes I find I get the occasional female that can be a bit sniffy due to it, but in the main, I don’t think I’ve ever met a whole group who don’t want to know me due to it, not since school and the catty early teenage years.

the reality is this will be nothing to do with her looks. Being pretty isn’t some rare stand out event, and plenty of pretty woman around, plenty of beautiful women. This will be simply she isn’t on their radar. They don’t notice her.

the issue is with her, she’s clearly very focused on them, maybe thinks they are cool, or wants to be included with them, and so she’s now trying to think of reasons they aren’t reaching out or acknowledging her. The simple truth will be they barely spot her.

i see this often on here, it comes up in school mum complaints at all and it’s generally a group of friends, minding their own business, getting on with it, and someone watching from the sidelines jealous and wanting to be included. And the group has no idea they give it that little thought.

Just don't say hi to them anymore, they aren't interested.

I think you are overthinking this OP. A friendship group doesn't have to be open to everybody.

These people don't owe the PP friendship because she attends the same gym. They don't need to expand their group if they are happy with the status quo. They don't sound bitch or rude or unpleasant, they are just self contained.

And as for one girl talking to the OP when she is on her own - that doesn't seem unusual either. When her freinds are there she talks to them. If she's on her own she talks to other people she knows by sight.

I think clique is a word people sometime use to disparage a friendship group they think they would like to be part of and I don't get it. If you think this particular group is unfriendly or unwelcoming why would you want to belong to it?

By the sounds of things I would be glad they don't include me. Just ignore and carry on

Same at my gym too but you know I am there to work and improve myself so I pay no bother just crack on get your phone out check your emails or whatever.

I feel your pain and I think this is every gym, sadly. My branch of the gym closed last year so we had to join the next branch along. Everyone really friendly except one group, a mix of men and women. I’ve tried so hard to be friendly to this group but it’s like banging my head against a brick wall. I don’t want to be their friends but just to be friendly isn’t too much to ask. One woman of the group was talking to one of my long time gym friends about changing her car to a bigger minivan (currently live in the US). I tried to join the conversation as have 3 kids and have had our fair share of 7 seaters. Wrongly thought this was a good inroad into her being more friendly.You’d have thought I’d asked her to donate a kidney or something! Cue a seriously filthy look. The next encounter with miserable gym woman was when she told me off for going to the wrong station - so I lost it and asked her why she’s always so flipping rude to me. Maybe it’s because I’m foreign, I don’t know but I do know I was bought up to be polite to people, even if I don’t like them.

Thanks all for the various replies. All helpful. I’m looking at things in a different way. Much appreciated x

All these types of classes seem to have a 'clique'. Being outside of it is usual for me. Im okay with that ,folks are always polite. I enjoy the classes .Im there to get fit. As long as it doesnt impact your class in any way.
I did have one small incident with a 'wee clique leader' ( she always arranged the cliques teas ,coffees, biccies etc after class)
She began comandeering all of the light hand weights for her clique members. This meant that often if I arrived a few minutes later there were only heavier weights. Week two,I just walked over and lifted a set off the floor at her work space. She said "Oh we're using these ones" I said "who's we?"
She replied." Shes just coming in a minute!"
I answered "Im here now" and took the weights. We all pay the same monthly subs! I never had any other issues although she did stop saying "Mornin' to me. Lol!

To be perfectly honest fuck them, don’t look their way and don’t give them another thought, how childish and just rude really.

Avoid like the plague. You don’t need friends like that. It reminds me of the cliques at school, usually with a toxic ring leader. Stick your nose in the air, laugh and joke with other people and let them see you don’t give a f**k. And you really shouldn’t. You are better than them in every sense - polite, sociable, pretty (you’re probably being modest there). Honestly it took me years to learn not to waste any time, energy or headspace on people who really don’t deserve it.

I am shy until I know people well then I am very chatty.
So what might look cliquey is just me being very comfortable with people I have known a while and why with others

It's a bit like that at my gym, but my view is that the gym is the one thing that I do for me. So if people like me and want to include me, ok, but im there to get a good work out and to make myself feel better and stronger ( but sadly never taller) so I try to stay focused on me.

Greetings Sincere Soul 💚
Wow I don't know if it was intuition but even just reading your comment title, my instincts were telling me "I wonder if they're envious & therefore excluding /alienating this commenter 🤔
Yes from everything I've seen in your comment, this group don't even know you... So what grounds do they have to judge you to think you should be ignored, other than you're pretty & just plain jealous of you...
Even the fact you mentioned others say you're pretty, you're most likely downplaying how beautiful/attractive you truly are, being modest & I'm sure you're most likely somewhat immune to this type of envious fueled treatment
Also having worked in a gym myself, I've witnessed how exceptionally good looking folk do definitely, get treated coldly by others not so secure in their appearance
You've clearly done nothing wrong... You greet them but they just ignore you 😢 I know it's not much comfort or consolation, but it's a backhanded compliment... However I do wish insecure envious types would realise the damage their jealous/envious attitudes can have on innocent good natured souls like you 🫂
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best 💚