Husband never says anything nice and puts me down jokingly

[Amandamab1976]

Hello, my first post here, ive decided to post this as I am struggling very hard to speak to my husband about this and it is eating me up and has done for a few years but more so over the last 6 months.
Just a run down, I am 47 he is 50 we have been together 17 years, married for 10. We dont have children together but I have a 28 year old and she lives away from home.
So our 'relationship' is great. We spend every single spare minute today and we love each other's company, we laugh and we joke and truly love being with each other.
The issue I have is he has absolutely no, and I mean NO intimate emotion.
In the early days he did, but for about 10 years, nothing.
Let me give you examples. He NEVER EVER EVER EVER says anything nice to me, EVER. I know people will think im sure he says little things but I dont take notice, he doesn't.
I dress up, he doesn't say I look nice. If I do something nice, work that extra hard, treat him to something etc etc I get nothing!
I make him a lovely meal and all i would get is 'yeah it was alright' even after sex he would say 'yeah it'll do' now dont get me wrong, its cheeky banter but thats what he says.
What im struggling with is he finds it incredibly easy to put me down in a jokey manner, he calls me loads of awful joke names but thats what we both do, the thing is those names are starting to be the only ones that stick with me.
We have had awful arguments, hes called me allsorts, slut, prostitute, fat bitch and hes never made me feel better after these arguments. (These are very rare, every 18 months or so) but still very raw.
Many times ive tried to tell him how it makes me feel saying nothing nice to me but he shoots me down and tells me he won't change. Ive told him it will change me but he doesn't seem to care.
1 year ago in January I had this talk with him I asked him just to say 1 nice thing to me, that was over 1 year ago and he still haven't said 1 tiny nice thing. Due to this I have stopped saying anything nice to him, I think hes lush and used to tell him all the time, I dont say anything now and I fucking hate it!
Ok so, sex, I dont feel wanted, I dont know what he even likes about me, he comments on my 'fat arse' during sex, does that mean he likes it or doesn't, no idea what he likes, he doesn't and has never told me. Unfortunately now things have changed for me, I used to have a huge sex drive and this has broken it down, I have sex and I have no idea what he is thinking about. I just roll over and go to sleep now not feeling anything really. This is going to get worse and I dont want it to.
Absolutely no excuse but he was brought up in a very unemotional family and they still are. The thing is he used to say nice things to me and made me feel great
He is a great guy, I know by the way he looks at me he loves me a lot and I know he fancies me but thats in my head, it doesn't come from him.
I do EVERYTHING for him, I run the house, his business, I'm kind to him and he doesn't have to worry about anything in life as I take the load.
How do I handle this? I feel like if I talk to him he will do what he normally does 'awww here we go again' its breaking my bond with him and I dont want that at all.
I dont mind saying we are 2 good looking people we should totally be enjoying each other in our prime. I'm not willing to accept him.not saying anything g nice to me anyone

He won't change. It's working very well for him. He's no reason to stop this behaviour while you keep accepting it and washing his socks and plating up his dinner.

It's not banter, or jokes, it's derogatory, insulting and disrespectful, and it is designed to erode your confidence and self esteem, and it will over time.

I would speak to Women's Aid, who will be able to confirm that what you are experiencing is not a loving healthy relationship and help you work out the best way forward and keep your self worth intact. I would address this now, because in another ten years there won't be much of you left to escape with.

Sorry. Dump him. He won’t change.

He's verbally and emotionally abusive. You don't have anything close to a great relationship, you have a relationshit.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft available as a free PDF online.

Access DV resources where you are. Do the Freedom Program and get individual therapy, NOT joint or marital counseling. Never have therapy with abusers.

So sorry to hear how he treats you OP, he just doesn’t want you to feel you are as good as him and he’s breaking you down slowly over the years. You need to get out of this - it’s not a relationship, it sounds really abusive. He doesn’t deserve you. Much better to live alone than with someone like that.

Yes, OP, you are buying into this method of communication and enabling your partner's abusive behaviour. If you complain about his behaviour, he will be justified in saying "but you do it too".
If you want to stay together you both need to find a different way of communicating. You might benefit from couple's counselling.

Or you could decide this has gone on long enough and decide to separate.

You're a doormat. I'm sorry OP, but what you've written makes it clear -

He is a great guy, I know by the way he looks at me he loves me a lot and I know he fancies me but thats in my head, it doesn't come from him.
I do EVERYTHING for him, I run the house, his business, I'm kind to him and he doesn't have to worry about anything in life as I take the load

No he isn't a great guy! Christ almighty! Read the above paragraph again & again.

You are desperate for love, kindness, affection, and respect.
You are a starving person seeing if you can pick crumbs off the floor, trying to reach for any little little light or hope that you can.

You do all that for him AND WHAT??? He looks at you a certain way???? He fancies you??? So fucking what!! Men are sexually attracted to women they go onto abuse as well. That is not love.

We'd been friends for years before this. He didn't pull any of this shit until we got together.

I think you're right about the insecurities / jealousy. Prior to me, he'd always said he had two fuck buddies. None of us believed him but we didn't say anything. He was a disaster in bed. We had sex twice in the 6 months we were together. There's no way he'd been servicing two women.