Wife says she does not want to fix marriage after separation

[RedSupplier]

Hello All,

Have been together with my wife (now ex?!) for almost 20 years since we were teenagers, and married for the last 3. For about the last 18 months 2 years she has told me she has felt a gap opening between us which none of us knew how to 'fix'. She did suggest we speak to someone and I said no as talking and opening up is something I have always struggled with, I suppose I was a typical man and buried my head in the sand and hoped it would just get better as we have been together so long - and this is something I will have to carry and regret for the rest of my life. Just before Christmas this raised its head again and we agreed to separate. Even at that point my head was still buried and i still for some stupid reason thought we would be ok. We continued living (and sleeping together) over Christmas for the kids and I agreed to move out last month. Since that 1st night away everything hit me, I had been an idiot and knew this isn't what I wanted. Since that day I have begged and pleaded for us to try, and even suggested speaking to someone (even found somebody local but her response was that she didnt want to fix things now) doing more together, and laid out my own flaws of needing to be more communicative but she was told me repeatedly she does not want to. It is so frustrating for me as we don't and never have argued or fought and it is just the 'gap' that drove a wedge and I didn't do anything about, and now that I want to she does not. I feel constantly sick as I feel like I am losing the woman I love. We still talk briefly most days, and i still go back to the house to see the children but get upset when it is the 2 of us alone in a room as i'm losing the woman i love. I hope to do something together with the children at the weekend before she goes on holiday for 3 days next week.

Help/advice please.

It is so frustrating for me

How do you think she felt over the last 1-2 years when she was asking you to do some work to save the marriage? Presumably she was also really frustrated with your response then.

I’m afraid there’s not much you can do now but respect her choices. When you’re alone with her in the house, don’t start getting upset or emotional. Behave like an adult and don’t try to manipulate her with tears or angry statements, etc… Let her be. She let you be when you didn’t want to do anything about it. Now it’s your turn to return the favour.

Unfortunately it looks like you've lost your chance. I would imagine that she may have been making attempts to get you to open up/ bring the two of you closer for quite some time, and you didn't even notice.

"The divorce came out of nowhere" is such a male cliche, and it seems very common.

All you can do now is accept it, reflect on it, and try to be the very best co parent you can be for your kids.

When it was effecting her, you ignored the problem. Only now when it’s effecting you are you trying to do something about it. Too little, too late

This is what happens when you ignore your wife and take her for granted. She's made her choice, and like it or not you need to respect that.

She has changed since she was a teenager. So have you. She probably feels that she wants to find herself now that she is getting to middle age and the children are getting older. If she doesn't want to save the marriage you just have to accept that.

In the gentlest of ways, your post contains a lot of “I” statements about what you want and how it’s affecting you. What you’re feeling is grief for something which you’ve lost/are losing and it is very painful.
You’ve had separation and your wife has told you how she feels. You’ve can’t force her to change those feelings- chances are you’ll just be right back to the same situation in a few months if you persuade her things will be different.
My advice is to concentrate now on how to effectively coparent as two people apart- it’s not easy but it’s doable.

So when your wife was unhappy and uncomfortable you weren’t prepared to deal with it but as soon as you weren’t comfortable it was important.

this forum is full of women who were married to men who behaved like that this. Sympathy will be limited.

You ignored her when she asked for help, prioritising your feelings of awkwardness over her desire to save yourself marriage and her. She felt then how you are feeling now. As a result she's had the past 1 to 2 years to imagine what her life looks like without you and grieve the end of your relationship. I don't think you can do much to reverse that.

I don’t blame her OP.
She tried, you weren’t interested. She’s mentally moved on; with kindness: you now need to do the same.

The kindest thing you can do for yourself, and for her, is to respect her decision and her boundaries. I'm afraid you have left your chance of a reconciliation too late by your refusal to try to repair the 'gap' between you. Now it's best to accept the situation but keep showing up for your children.
Do you have an understanding what she meant by 'the gap?' If so that should help you understand what was missing for her. It sounds like she has fully checked out but you can still have a respectful relationship and co parent together well. I also advise that you seek counselling as it will help you understand yourself better and how to navigate the situation you now find yourself in.

I think the damage is probably done in terms of the marriage, but don't allow yourself to be pushed out of the children's lives because that's how it usually goes. Moving out was a mistake (if she initiated the separation she should be the one to rethink the living arrangements) but if you want 50 50 you are entitled to it

I’m sorry OP but I agree with those that have already commented.

I am your wife in my own marriage at the moment - we are at the tail end of the divorce process now.

For 3-4 years I tried to discuss and fix things in my marriage, suggested relationship counselling which was turned down and had increasingly serious conversations about my (very reasonable) needs and how they weren’t being met.

When I told my husband I was done he said he was “blindsided” and begged for six months to make changes and go to relationship counselling. He was extremely upset that (his words) I was unwilling to “give the marriage a chance”. But I’d been giving the marriage a chance for years already…

He said he “didn’t think I was serious” when we had serious conversations previously. Honestly - IMO it’s just laziness, taking me for granted and looking for the easiest possible route for himself. Assuming it will ‘just go away’ because that’s easier than making changes.

Its completely selfish and self-centered - basically hoping if you just ignore what the person you supposedly love is begging you for, they’ll eventually just give up and you won’t have to change at all.

Unfortunately, like my husband, this is a life lesson you’ve now chosen to learn the hard way. It could have been different but now you have to accept the bed you’ve made for yourself.

As I explained to my husband - it can’t be fixed now. It’s like sitting back and watching coastal erosion for years and then saying you’ll put protection in place. It doesn’t put back what’s already gone, but instead of sand what’s gone is love.

In terms of advice, you just have to accept the current situation. Apologise and admit what you’ve now realised. Go to therapy and work this through so you can avoid doing the same thing all over again next time. That’s what learning the lesson looks like.

By the time she asked you to move out, her emotions had changed. Unfortunately, it sounds like she’s emotionally moved on after trying for so long.

I think now you are out of the house it's over. You are never going to be let back now. Suck it up and co parent properly

i'm losing the woman i love

You've lost the woman you love. You were losing her when she was telling you clearly what she needed, and you chose to ignore her. You didn't think she meant it. She did.

For a woman with young children to end a relationship it's not a knee jerk thing, it's got to get really bad, and she will feel she has tried everything she can think of before she pressed the button. And now it's done, I think it's a case of too little too late. Living and learning, the best thing you can do now is to keep your head screwed on, and prioritise your relationship with your children and show her the respect she deserves as their mother.

As my youngest would say - " Dad you just got roasted"

Honestly, I cannot disagree with anything said and I do understand it all from her perspective and don't attach any blame to her whatsoever.

Thanks you all for being honest

I was going to post a reply but @wheresmymojo has said it all here. It’s over and all you can do now is learn from it.

You aren’t losing the woman you love, you’ve already lost her.
She’s given everything she’s got and you said “that’s nice, we’ll be fine” while putting fuck all effort in by the sounds of it.
She’s done.
”Fighting for her” now she’s done will only piss her off and make her despise you, it won’t change her mind.

Why did it take you 17 years to get married? Were there problems all along?

I think you need to give her time and space and get some counselling yourself. You turned her down when she was trying to fix things, you need to examine the reasons why. Obviously be a good co-parent too.

FWIW my husband is now choosing not to work this through in therapy because he will “deal with it in his own way”. What this means is that he’s actually learning very little about why our marriage broke down and how he contributed to that. He continues to show the same patterns now, 11 months later, and I absolutely guarantee these will be an issue in his next relationship and he’ll repeat the same thing all over again with a different woman.

Don’t be my husband. Go to therapy, a bit of initial awkwardness about talking about your feelings is surely nothing compared to a lifetime of repeating the same mistakes in ways that have major impact on your life?

This could have been written word for word by my x husband.

Im sorry OP, but the ship has sailed.

I married xh in my late teens and we grew apart somewhat over 15 years. I tried to tell him. So many times. I tried to tell him what we needed to do. He wouldnt listen.

The last 18 months or so that we were together i had given up and was just coasting. I met someone else. I told xh and still he chose to bury his head in the sand as i made plans to leave.

The night before i left he started ranting and raging that i hadn't given him a chance. He told his family it was 'out of the blue'. That i wasn't giving him a chance.

It was all too late. He'd had chance after chance. The love had died. I didn't hate him, it had all just .... died.

You’ve left it all too late for regrets now. The best thing you can do is say to her that you respect her decision and discuss how you can co parent in the best way possible for the children.

Ideally you should still be able to do joint parents evenings and attend events where your children would really like both of you there without any stress.

She begged you for change for two years and you ignored her pleas. This is called FAFO. Next time don't ignore someone and actually listen. This time? You are 2 years too late.

From my perspective (just being honest here), I think a man begging and pleading would probably make me feel even more resolute in my decision. Sounds as though your wife has tried her best and wasn’t able to get through to you and as hard as it is, that might be a regret you have to carry.

If there is anything left in this relationship, then the absolute best thing you can do is say to your wife (ex) that you realise you made terrible mistakes but you respect her decision and you are now going to get on with your life. And then get yourself to therapy, form a good and healthy working relationship with her for the sake of your children and cut out any more talks or tearful pleas and you respect her boundaries.

If there is the tiniest hope left for your relationship, she might want to reconcile but equally she might not. Either way, as you continue to work on yourself, you win.

I don't think anyone can say anything that hasn't been already said multiple times in this thread @RedSupplier . I am sorry for you guys having to go through this, but the only right thing to do is respect her decision, and not to badger her with more begging and pleading. You only experience your side, but there is a good chance she spent years going back and forth between what to do, what to say, and after all that time, all that nerve and energy she spent pondering, she got to where she is today. I am not trying to be hurtful here, but if you didn't have the common sense to listen to her while she was actively trying to save your relationship, at least do it now, so you can separate like grownups.