Wife says she does not want to fix marriage after separation

[RedSupplier]

Hello All,

Have been together with my wife (now ex?!) for almost 20 years since we were teenagers, and married for the last 3. For about the last 18 months 2 years she has told me she has felt a gap opening between us which none of us knew how to 'fix'. She did suggest we speak to someone and I said no as talking and opening up is something I have always struggled with, I suppose I was a typical man and buried my head in the sand and hoped it would just get better as we have been together so long - and this is something I will have to carry and regret for the rest of my life. Just before Christmas this raised its head again and we agreed to separate. Even at that point my head was still buried and i still for some stupid reason thought we would be ok. We continued living (and sleeping together) over Christmas for the kids and I agreed to move out last month. Since that 1st night away everything hit me, I had been an idiot and knew this isn't what I wanted. Since that day I have begged and pleaded for us to try, and even suggested speaking to someone (even found somebody local but her response was that she didnt want to fix things now) doing more together, and laid out my own flaws of needing to be more communicative but she was told me repeatedly she does not want to. It is so frustrating for me as we don't and never have argued or fought and it is just the 'gap' that drove a wedge and I didn't do anything about, and now that I want to she does not. I feel constantly sick as I feel like I am losing the woman I love. We still talk briefly most days, and i still go back to the house to see the children but get upset when it is the 2 of us alone in a room as i'm losing the woman i love. I hope to do something together with the children at the weekend before she goes on holiday for 3 days next week.

Help/advice please.

I Think the best relationship books out there are by Gottman. The seven principles of making marriage work is excellent.

Read it regardless it may help you going forward.

Someone upthread said to apologise. I doubt think that is a good idea. Work on yourself. Attend counselling for YOU. Understand why you are the way you are. And don’t chose a counsellor who blows smoke at you. Chose one who challenges you. You may need to try a few to get a good one. Good luck.

As you asked

washing dishes/putting away - to be honest we got the kids to do most of this for pocket money - but yes, it was 60/40 in her favour
hoovering (without waiting to be told)
cleaning
dusting - all housework was probably 50/50, some jobs would have been one or the other but overall a fair split
organising families' schedules such as dentists, parents evenings, arranging playdates for the kids - thinking in latter years as our kids are teens so sort a lot themselves but in terms of all that possibly 60/40 my favour - add on sports clubs and it was probably 90/10 in my favour
buying Christmas/birthday presents (including birthday presents for the kids' friends) - 50/50 - she did her family, I did mine, split on friends

Not to brag but things like windows and garden was 90% me. Yes there were some jobs she did exclusively and we didnt keep records but in terms of cooking, shopping, housework, kids activities etc... it really was around 50/50, both worked FT. I also probably did more with the kids at weekends too.

I also think that arguments and issues come up a lot - but without substance they often get ignored (for both of us in this case).

A bit like when I used to have a health checkup... your BMI is high and you could do with losing some weight (I was still fit, run 10ks etc but just ate and drank too much). Had the doctor said to me if you dont lost weight you will die in 3 months then thats the kick you need to lose the weight.

Funnily enough something she said to me "who would want that bouncing in top of them (referencing by belly)". Some will say it's abusive and nasty, it probably is. For me it was that Dr moment - it was the kick I needed to do something so then lost 3 stone in 4 months and was back in 32w jeans!

The glass on the side someone said sums it up. It was a series of niggles but they then filled the entire worktop!

I told my XH that I was unhappy. I told him specifically the problems in our marriage. One day I decided to stop arguing and focus on quiet discussion and clear declarations in a last ditch attempt to save our marriage. He took that year as a sign that things were better. He never actually listened.

when I finally left, that is when he suddenly wanted to change. It doesn’t work that way. I had already tried and given everything to save our marriage.

Floyd - your situation may be very different. It sounds like your wife cheated. That’s abusive (gaslighting, lying, false narratives, emotional abuse and risk of STDs).

Noone can make another person cheat. She chose to cheat and I agree you should expect her to move heaven and earth to show you that she screwed up. Your relationships may have had problems (a leaky roof) but she threw in a grenade and blew up the house by cheating. Until you stabilise and heal from that you will struggle to repair other issues.

I disagree slighty - we were so preoccupied with kids, work etc.. we ignored each other and didnt make effort. I put my time into football and other hobbies, she got close to someone at work... At the risk of victim blaming myself, I did contribute to that - although over time I realised that was not a valid excuse for her.

But at the time I was in shock and basically carried the guilt / blame. Thats why when things got bad again (no cheating) I felt I needed her to make the effort more than me. Rightly or wrongly thats how I felt so needed her to make the first move to save things

It's done and I am fine with it all now. But yeah, the OP situation seems different but similar. It does take 2 to make changes and make it work.

I think men are much more likely to leave because their head has been turned. A lot of women, especially those in middle age, leave because they're tired of trying to improve things and would rather be alone than living in such a marriage. A lot of them don't even want another relationship because they feel burned out and exhausted from the years of futile effort and are completely averse to this happening again.

Given that OP's STBX repeatedly tried to talk and seek counseling about "the gap" over 18 months and OP shut down all of these attempts, STBX is likely to be one of these women.

My take - often couples who never argue, it just means one of them isn't getting their needs met.

She told you that. You ignored her.

💯

Same story with my ex husband. I begged him to go to anger management sessions, he refused, as soon as we separated, he was begging me constantly to get back together. Nope.

It sounds like neither of you really dealt with the infidelity.

Infidelity is a such shattering body blow to the betrayed spouse - to their self-esteem, their sense of safety, their trust in their spouse and sometimes themself as well - that it has to be treated with a combination of individual and marital counselling imv. You wanted your wife to prove to you that she wanted you so you sat on your hands in the face of her complaints to set her a test that she failed. And then you were upset that she failed the test, which she didn't know she was taking.

I absolutely condemn your ex for cheating and think she should have tried much harder to make you feel safe, loved, and desired after the affair, but if you really wanted to keep the marriage, this wasn't good communication by you. All it would have done is increase the distance between you two.

Oh for god’s sake. You think a woman must automatically have met someone else if she decides to walk away from a husband who is making her life miserable? What a load of nonsense.

Good on her.
That ship has sailed.
People change.

Yes.
Indifference.
No way back, apparently.