Wife says she does not want to fix marriage after separation

[RedSupplier]

Hello All,

Have been together with my wife (now ex?!) for almost 20 years since we were teenagers, and married for the last 3. For about the last 18 months 2 years she has told me she has felt a gap opening between us which none of us knew how to 'fix'. She did suggest we speak to someone and I said no as talking and opening up is something I have always struggled with, I suppose I was a typical man and buried my head in the sand and hoped it would just get better as we have been together so long - and this is something I will have to carry and regret for the rest of my life. Just before Christmas this raised its head again and we agreed to separate. Even at that point my head was still buried and i still for some stupid reason thought we would be ok. We continued living (and sleeping together) over Christmas for the kids and I agreed to move out last month. Since that 1st night away everything hit me, I had been an idiot and knew this isn't what I wanted. Since that day I have begged and pleaded for us to try, and even suggested speaking to someone (even found somebody local but her response was that she didnt want to fix things now) doing more together, and laid out my own flaws of needing to be more communicative but she was told me repeatedly she does not want to. It is so frustrating for me as we don't and never have argued or fought and it is just the 'gap' that drove a wedge and I didn't do anything about, and now that I want to she does not. I feel constantly sick as I feel like I am losing the woman I love. We still talk briefly most days, and i still go back to the house to see the children but get upset when it is the 2 of us alone in a room as i'm losing the woman i love. I hope to do something together with the children at the weekend before she goes on holiday for 3 days next week.

Help/advice please.

She would have been pissed off for a looooong time before making this decision. For me it was a full 10 years of trying to fix things. Then ex was astonished when the marriage finally collapsed.women dont generally leave until they are absolutely done.

Give her space. No stalking type behaviour but there’s also nothing wrong with giving flowers for her birthday (avoid the anniversary date). Don’t hang about if there’s no reason for you to be around.

seek counselling for yourself. Be a good parent, turn up when you say you will. step up now even though your heart breaks.

right now is the time when your future relationship with her is in the making. You might make a new best friend, you might make an enemy but it’s about how you conduct yourself now.

she doesn’t have to be out of your life but that’s on you and how conduct yourself.

also remain fair to your own needs. Don’t be a yes man to all settlement requests unless you think it’s fair. You also have to have stability (even if it’s just for the sake of the children), it might be as she is ahead in the decision to end the relationship, she might be a lot further along in her thinking and may date again in the near future.

if you both end up in bed it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is back on either. You may have realised this already… take care.

I think you need to accept she’s done and give her her space. As you will see from this thread women often have the experience of trying and trying to save a relationship while the man believes all is fine. Even when she’s saying it’s not fine. You yourself admit burying your head in the sand. Try see how that would have been experienced by her? There she was trying while you just carried in as usual. It’s also a very common experience women have that when a relationship ends he promises change and then when you take him back he reverts soon enough. She will be aware of this. Even if she did believe you mean it she has ended the relationship in her mind. We generally grieve a relationship when in it and trying to fix it, when we end it it’s because there isn’t enough love left to make the effort worth it. You should have listened when you had the chance and as shit as this feels for you that’s how she’s been feeling for the years you wouldn’t try save it with her. And the fact is you really only care now because YOU lost the love of your life… that’s still self centred.

Give her the heartfelt apology she deserves. Accept the situation you find yourself in. And focus on being a great dad and decent co-parent. Thank her for the extras she does for the kids, compliment her parenting, don’t exclusively have your contact with the kids at her house you need to take them out and give her space, you need to have them overnight. you will either end up separate but co parenting well which is best for the children or she will see the change and agree to date you and try again.

Exactly. A women will try and try and then she will try no more.
It’s too late @RedSupplier

It’s not just a ‘mystery gap’. If you struggle with communicating your feelings and ‘never argue’ chances are she’s simply learnt / realised there is little point raising things because you’ll bury your head in the sand / avoid things.

My dh also struggles with communication and I’ve found it harder as I got older. I realised I need an emotional connection, fortunately when I said I wanted things to be better between us he pushed himself out of his comfort zone and agreed to therapy together. The fact he was willing to try and open to growth meant the world.

I feel sad for you because I know expressing emotions and communication aren’t easy for everyone, but it’s so lonely being with someone like that. You’re only feeling the loneliness now, but your wife has been feeling much longer. She’s further ahead than you in the process as a result and made the decision that she’s better off emotionally out of the relationship.

A regret you may have a long time, but still an opportunity for growth. Seek to improve and strengthen your communication and emotional side and hopefully one day you’ll meet someone who you can enjoy a more emotionally balanced relationship with.

Sorry this has happened. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I’d stop with the begging and pleading and respect her wishes x

He misses the point .... she minded about him not putting the glass in the dishwasher because he was basically leaving it for her to do.
He implies that it is a silly thing to mind that he left it by the dishwasher and men need to understand that it is trivial but it means a lot to her so he should do it to please her .... how silly women really are ...

Because she would say it when we were having an argument and never any other time. We were both open with each other about being unhappy about various things and neither of us really did anything to change (guess both of us checked out). When she did say about leaving it did hit me that with 20 years and 2 kids we should make an effort to work on it but she didnt want to.

In that respect it was both of us being stubborn/ignorant of the situation or maybe deep down neither being that bothered? I knew her 'grumbles' and she knew mine. I think a lot of it was needing to feel wanted - 7 years previous she had a brief fling with someone at work. Why? We simply focussed on kids and life and not each other. When that happened it was a wake up call but I did a lot of the apologising, thinking that if she had a fling I must have 'driven her to it'. I felt I carried the 'burden' or made the effort to get us back on track which we did for a few years till lockdown (in fact the 4 years in between were pretty good). But I felt that as I did 'all the chasing' last time, and the fact I felt unloved, I felt that I needed to see her make some running rather than just me.

And no, while she did do 99% of the pants and socks, I did 99% of the food shopping and cooking, and housework was roughly 50/50. Why did I want to stay - because of damaging the kids and the knock on effects, thinking if we have done 20 years we shouldnt just walk away without giving it a shot.

What a silly comment - no, if I was raising issues I would simply say "I am not happy with the relationship for XYZ.If we can do something to get help great, if we dont, then I dont see it lasting past the next 3 months. This is serious, it's not a cry for attention or anything. So over to you, do you want to work on it and try to save it or not?" Not really sure why you would start thinking that means violence? What did happen was that she would say this when we argued but didnt do anything about it either.

Read this article and try his advice

There are no guarantees

It’s not violence, it’s the fact you still think it’s your wife’s responsibility to raise and solve problems. You lived with her and you didn’t notice how unhappy she was and you wouldn’t change it unless she forced you too?
feel sorry for the new partner tbh

what about:

washing dishes/putting away
hoovering (without waiting to be told)
cleaning
dusting
organising families' schedules such as dentists, parents evenings, arranging playdates for the kids
buying Christmas/birthday presents (including birthday presents for the kids' friends)

also, why would you dismiss therapy just because it came up during an argument? Of course it came up during an argument. Arguments are when the issues come to the surface.

Weirdly my husband and I and several of our friends all managed to get married in covid..
I did it in 2019 because we were really keen.

Ultimately, She has already grieved the death of your relationship, you are just starting.

I feel sad reading your post from your POV. It all sounds so avoidable and I can also imagine how sad and how frustrating this must have been for your wife. Especially that you want to do it NOW but couldnt do any of these things earlier....but now, when its too late... now you can "be bothered".
She was asking for 2 yrs thats a long time!!!

I think the best thing you can do is get into therapy and try and coparent as best as you can. Good.luck!

I was actually relieved when my kids dad moved on. He dated the woman he cheated on me with, but I hoped it meant he'd stop begging for me back. He didn't and I just laughed at him for months for trying to get back with me. Keep your dignity OP, don't beg just tell her you respect her decision& focus on your children.

I don't read it this way. I read it as the small things that are easily overlooked gradually piling up to become big things. One glass by the sink is no big deal but when it's EVERY glass, EVERY time (and is symptomatic of all the minor acts of carelessness and thoughtlessness) it shows something much larger about the relationship as a whole.

@RedSupplierwhen a woman leaves a man that makes her unhappy, life suddenly becomes like a breath of fresh air. She realises she should have left a long long time ago..there is no way she will want to go back and be unhappy and unfulfilled again.

@RedSupplier It must have been hard to read all these responses, and I really do feel sad for you. In fact, your whole post makes me feel v sad because you sound a lot like my DH. I'm really hoping that he will be up for addressing things now / having couples therapy but I fear he won't and I'm realising now how much I've been planning a future alone in my own head because I just don't have faith that things will change or that he'll be willing to question his own role in any of the problems that have arisen between us. I've suggested it before (started a different thread on this board about it all) and he's always rejected the idea. This has been on my mind for a decade if I'm honest. The reality is that women will try for so long but then they eventually detach for their own sanity and it's very hard to go back after that.

As for your situation, I honestly don't know if there's any hope of you winning her back. It sounds as if she tried for a long time. But, there is some good advice in this thread though, as I've said above, I can imagine it's been v tough to read and I really do feel for you. Therapy for you so you can understand how you have contributed to things getting to this point would be a really good thing. And who knows what that will bring but, for now, just focus on doing everything you can to build the best relationships you can with your family. I wish you all the very best of luck.

Thanks for all of the responses, a lot of harsh truths and some good advice 👍

Sometimes, marriages just run their course. I left my first marriage after 28 years. No abuse or anything . No dramas needed with counselling . It was just over.

It just happens at times. 😊

She's met someone else.

I hope you find peace and happiness in time. We have all not done things we should have and regret it.

She’s had her head turned by someone else in all likelihood.
She attempted to ‘fix’ things by trying to remain committed but it’s highly likely there’s someone in the background.
This isn’t saying she’s cheated or had an affair but it’s almost certain that there’s someone else there that caught her attention.

It sounds like you assumed too much

Your wife asked you to do counselling & you refused

It sounds like you did not want to try to fix things, you made no effort, you took no responsibility

You left things too late

We both discussed being unhappy and neither of us really budged, neither made an effort to fix things or change behaviour. I did not say it was her responsibility but mentally I did think I needed to see her make the first move after she cheated a while back and I made most of the effort