Wife says she does not want to fix marriage after separation

[RedSupplier]

Hello All,

Have been together with my wife (now ex?!) for almost 20 years since we were teenagers, and married for the last 3. For about the last 18 months 2 years she has told me she has felt a gap opening between us which none of us knew how to 'fix'. She did suggest we speak to someone and I said no as talking and opening up is something I have always struggled with, I suppose I was a typical man and buried my head in the sand and hoped it would just get better as we have been together so long - and this is something I will have to carry and regret for the rest of my life. Just before Christmas this raised its head again and we agreed to separate. Even at that point my head was still buried and i still for some stupid reason thought we would be ok. We continued living (and sleeping together) over Christmas for the kids and I agreed to move out last month. Since that 1st night away everything hit me, I had been an idiot and knew this isn't what I wanted. Since that day I have begged and pleaded for us to try, and even suggested speaking to someone (even found somebody local but her response was that she didnt want to fix things now) doing more together, and laid out my own flaws of needing to be more communicative but she was told me repeatedly she does not want to. It is so frustrating for me as we don't and never have argued or fought and it is just the 'gap' that drove a wedge and I didn't do anything about, and now that I want to she does not. I feel constantly sick as I feel like I am losing the woman I love. We still talk briefly most days, and i still go back to the house to see the children but get upset when it is the 2 of us alone in a room as i'm losing the woman i love. I hope to do something together with the children at the weekend before she goes on holiday for 3 days next week.

Help/advice please.

You've done the typical man thing of ignoring a problen until its way too late. Your wife asked for counselling and you decided to ignore it. Then when it was way too late and she had completely checked out you decide...shit we'd better do something but she doesnt care any more.
Exactky like ALL of my 3 ex husbands. There wont be another husband.
Id hope you would learn from this but you wont.

If she has closed her heart to you, there is little you can do to open it again. Just try to respect what’s happening, don’t push, and focus on your children. I’m sorry this has happened, and sorry you’re getting some really very rude replies.

Yes, please don't plead.

I cannot express what it made me feel when my x started knocking on my friends doors and demanding they 'talked me out of it'. Going to my widowed mother and giving her a massive sob story about how much he'd miss me and how he 'didn't know'. Making up weird ideas for bargains about open marriage if i stayed. Tears. Then getting stroppy. Then getting violent.

Be dignified OP.
Be a really good parent now when you share children going forward and honour her that way.

I echo what others have said. I think now you have to be the best dad you can be and a supportive ex for the sake of your DC. You sound young enough to start again when you're ready.... learn from this. It's a hard lesson but can have a positive outcome

It isnt rude its a fact. If you ignore problems they wont go away.

My exh was like you trundled work, life work. Never had time to talk with me or the kids I could be in a room with him but still on my own. Like your wife the gap appeared but I was at the stage I didn't want to bridge it. He was blind sided when I presented divorce papers and dragged his heels for months as he thought we might pull it round. Must admit I began dislike him and it took ages to even bring myself to speak with him after things were sorted. Pulled it round for the kids but only on polite terms and no more.

You could try one last thing.

Write her a letter telling her that you recognise that you failed to respond properly when she was expressing concern about your relationship and wanting to try and improve things. Tell her how much you love her and how much you want to keep the family together. Tell her you accept full responsibility for the failure of the marriage and would like to work on this now before it is too late. Also tell her that is she feels it's already too late now then you want to make sure that you can co-parent in a responsible way that suits everyone.

It will either work or it won't. If it doesn't then you must co-operate with her over the co-parenting in a sensible way that takes everyone's needs into account.

I am sorry you are in this situation. It is easy to be wise after the event, but leaves you in an uncomfortable position. We all make mistakes - hopefully you can move on having learned from all this for the future.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so sad.

Im intrigued about the process that led you both to marry after 17 years together and that your wife started asking for change within a year of that event. The timing suggests that both of you perhaps thought it would fix something that wasn’t right.

Please consider going to therapy for yourself. For the sake both of yourself, your children, your children’s future partners, your co-parent and your own future partner. I had four years of therapy after Dh died, wish I’d done it years ago. Tbh don’t assume that it’s easy for other people to open up and discuss feelings either. Just because they do it, it’s not necessarily easy for them, they just know it matters.

Reason it took so long for us to get married was because the children and the house came 1st, we were engaged for a long time and then we had to cancel the wedding 3 times due to Covid which wasn't easy.

My advice would to concentrate on YOU and The CHILDREN and not, I repeat not, go and get a girlfriend. Because as soon as you do, she will be the other end of pissed off with you, as you will have proved her right all along and that you just don't care

Not the same but a few similarities to my situation - although the "wanting to try to fix it for the last year or so" which she told me, was I think just something to pass the blame onto me. Yes we had issues, and it was mentioned but just that. An open question - should we get help? It was never, we NEED to speak to someone and it rarely got raised. If I was suggesting that I would be a lot more forceful (in a good way).

Sorry to say but she is done with it. Mine was the same - once she decided (there were a few wobbles but she seemed pretty focussed) it was all about prioritising myself and protecting myself.

I do question those that say you had your chance - we all say a lot of things in relationships, but if you care for someone, even if they 'wake up to it late' then I do think you need to work at it. After all, saying you are not happy and then saying you are leaving are two different things. Had she (or my wife said) " I am not happy and if we dont get help/sort this out in next x months, I will leave the relationship" then things may be different (unlikely for me as after divorce I realised I loved the whole marriage thing - having someone, family, kids, friends, money - rather than the person she was - a emotionally abusive narcissist).

Things are tough but like many other threads, get your ducks in a row. Dont allow the guilt or wanting to be nice get in the way of a fair divorce (i.e. dont get ripped off).

Feel free to PM me and have a chat/email. It can be lonely as a guy as we often dont have the same friend support network.

Why shouldnt he?

Why should she be pissed off - she ended it. She may stay single for 5 years, she may meet someone next month? Most people I know who split got together with people after separation. Easy to balance you/kids/new relationship.

I mean when men say the divorce came out of nowhere…
hun it really didn’t. Be a better man. If she comes round, great. If not, you’ll meet someone and you’ll be able to meet them as an equal next time

It’s too little too late. You didn’t listen when she told you there were problems and now she’s checked out you’ve realised your life will be worse without her. Although hers is likely to be immeasurably better.
If you didn’t show her the respect whilst together at least try to now in order to coparent well. Pull your weight and don’t rely on her to do everything. Share custody, be present for your kids and fgs don’t jump straight back into dating despite what the male PP says. It never helps. Learn to be on your own and heal and you’ll be happier in the long run. If you’re a decent parent now then you can probably salvage some kind of friendship. If you act like a dick and bring a different woman each week home and introduce them all to your kids then of course she’ll resent your idiotic behaviour and you won’t coparent well. These are the consequences of not prioritising your marriage.

Because he clearly not fucking heartbroken then is he.

"Not the same but a few similarities to my situation - although the "wanting to try to fix it for the last year or so" which she told me, was I think just something to pass the blame onto me. Yes we had issues, and it was mentioned but just that. An open question - should we get help? It was never, we NEED to speak to someone and it rarely got raised. If I was suggesting that I would be a lot more forceful (in a good way)."

What do you mean, forceful? Should she have yelled and screamed? Rent her clothes and beat her breast? Dragged you physically to marital counselling? You couldn't even be bothered to listen to her when she said there were problems. You were too busy being right.

It's ridiculous how you're blaming your ex-wife.

OP, don't take this man's advice. He is not an emotionally successful man.

Don't harass your STBX. Get therapy to become a solid father and co-parent, and so you don't make these mistakes with your next partner.

OP, it might be a good idea for you to work on your communication skills now. You don't like opening up, and that's helped to end your marriage, so it might be an idea to work on that before you even think about dating anyone else, because it will only be the same story over again.

You did nothing for nearly 2 years. By doing nothing, you sent her the message that your life together was on your terms and she could take it or leave it. You treated her like this wasn't serious and her concerns didn't matter to you

Now she's done. And now you want to do something about it.

It's too late. Be a considerate co-parent. Leave her alone.

This may resonate with you.

https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

I realise you’re feeling upset about this but you had ample chance to fix things when your wife wanted to go for counselling. You don’t like opening up to people, but it was obvious the problems wouldn’t solve themselves and intervention was needed.

You let your wife down when she was prepared to work on the marriage. Don’t let her down again by making it hard for her to continue moving on. It’s not her fault you left it too late - people often don’t appreciate what they’ve got until it’s gone. Becoming upset around her now is manipulative and will become tiresome.

Accept that it’s over and commit to co-parenting in a calm, kind and adult manner. Provide financially for your children, do your share of child care and don’t punish her for not hanging around waiting for someone who couldn’t be bothered to go to counselling with her, and put their own needs first. She’s doing that now and you should respect her decision.

You knew she was unhappy. You knew you had issues as a couple. When she asked ‘Should we get help?’ did you say, ‘Good idea, why don’t I find us a therapist? or did you say nothing and either expect her to shut up and magically get better, or expect her to organise it? Why didn’t you suggest it when you knew the relationship needed support? Her saying she is unhappy, over and over again, is a sign that she’s really not happy, yet you didn’t try to do anything about it. You might have loved the whole marriage thing, but do you know why she didn’t? Did you ever bother to find out? Did you enjoy her being unhappy, or did you simply not care enough?

Saying you are unhappy and saying you are leaving are not two different things; one is a precursor to the other, and I’m astonished you haven’t yet managed to work that out. You don’t make it clear how she was emotionally abusive or a narcissist, but why would you want to stay in a marriage with her if she was? I’m guessing it’s something to do with your pants and socks being washed and dinner on the table.

I read in a book on relationships "when you are at the begging end you have lost the relationship" Your only hope is to distance yourself from her a bit maybe find a new interest or hobby. She has gone off you...maybe date someone else? Your emotional distance from her may then re-ignite something between you. .who knows. Wish you well

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, OP. It’s heartbreaking for you and you are showing maturity and responsibility in accepting that you messed up.

I attended a communication seminar where the course-leader mentioned that research showed that women were unhappiest as a relationship was breaking down but men were unhappiest afterwards. He confirmed that this was often because the man had failed to spot that the relationship was breaking down whereas by the time it did the woman was starting to get over it (like the poster upthread who similarly failed to engage with his wife’s unhappiness and suggestions for counselling, apparently because of how she worded this).

As PPs have said, this is your opportunity to learn and grow. Your wife is clearly done but in years to come you can hopefully use what you have learnt to create a successful future relationship with another woman.

this is great, and spot on. How do I get my husband to read this without telling him to read this?

@RedSupplier Most times , when a woman,who’s been with the father of her children that long tells you she’s done, believe her.
It usually means that she tried and tried and has finally satisfied her conscience and the decision is final. FWIW, she already moved on internally.