Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

OP doesn't get as much attention from DH, hence looking and enjoying it from elsewhere.

Hasn't had time to show him the messages, but has time to search for an elusive dvd for the friend. Couldn't make it up.

Another one who has missed the OP saying her “friend’s” wife doesn’t have a problem with his other opposite sex friendships. Just this one that texts constantly, calls while her DH is working away, buys him thoughtful little gifts “just because”, sends messages the OP herself has admitted she can see why the wife wouldn’t like them.

Your friendships are not what we are discussing here.

So you just want validation from:
A) Another man that isn’t your husband but someone elses and
B) Mumsnetters whom you wish would give their approval.

Yes?

How many people do you genuinely have this kind of relationship with? If it is just him, then his wife has a point. If you give your time and attention to lots of people in this way, then it is probably one sided on his part. If he decides that your friendship is more important than his relationship with his wife then it probably means his feelings are not entirely platonic.

I agree

I’d never had a problem with my husbands female colleagues they’ve been to my house to meet my children, he’s taken the children to their houses to play dates(without me). Then there was a colleague like you, texting evenings/ weekends, trying to arrange all her office days to match his, wanting to go to to a further away office (for no reason) just the two of them, telling him about someone else on the office that had tried it on with her (she’s married with a child and no mention of being appalled by this) and the list went one. I asked him to back off as she has no boundaries and I’m not willing to take the risk of her intentions. You spend many hours a day working with someone, to then take up that much time in the evening/weekend messaging it’s a lot.
If you are truly just friends please take a step back and just reflect on it, I’m certain my husbands colleague wouldn’t think she had overstepped, she knows there was an issues as their friendship changed but it’s never been addressed.

Sounds like you’re enjoying knowing that you’re driving a wedge between a married couple and revelling in the attention off another man. Of course men and women can be friends, but there’s friendship and then there’s openly flirting with a married man despite knowing the hurt it’s causing his wife. I don’t think you’re being naive at all, I think you know exactly what you’re doing. If you had nothing to hide you’d have answered her call and chatted to her. I think you’re being pretty cruel to satisfy your own need for attention.

@Bingowashisnameoh1 Naive? au contraire. You know exactly what you’re doing. Naive my back side!

So you are all that matters? How selfish.

You cannot be "friends" with another woman's husband. Stop it. This has crossed the line into an emotional affair with her husband and that is why she is feeling threatened. Cut this off immediately before it impacts your employment. Continuing on and insisting on this "relationship" when you already know you are a threat to a marriage is disrespectful, unprofessional and unkind. If she is a vengeful type you are about to get the reputation of a homewrecker and husband chasing trollop. He can and should be friends with other GUYS who are also married. Your situation with him at your job is completely inappropriate. Don't say anything when you get fired. This kind of stuff makes wives uncomfortable and if you get on the wrong side of the woman in power, you will be tossed out on your butt.

This 100% and also what debondating has said.
Its just disgusting behaviour.

why when its friendships with male and female, why do people or some women presume the female friend will easily drop her panties ?

what happened to the sisterhood and having faith each other

stickly speaking the only ones who can effect the relationship are the people in the relationship, the wife could easily embrace the friendship or trust her partner etc

I wondered that....

give over people, look at my preious posting history, are we not in a democracy or are we all ment to be omg how dare the friend,

why have democracy then if we are all ment to think the same ?

all im saying in all of this is some people have trust issues and if the roles were reversed then many of you would say her dh would be controlling etc

so apologies for standing out from the group

and yes both parties should have friends who they can talk to and trust etc,

@ThatPearlkitty You think if a man came on here and said:

“I’ve been texting and calling my married female coworker to the extent that her husband has tried to call me and find out what my intentions are towards his wife, and even though I can see that some of the messages would upset him and the fact I’ve gone out and bought some hard-to-find favourite film of hers as a gift could make it seem like we’re more than friends, but she doesn’t care what her husband says, she wants to text me and she makes me smile, so I don’t want to give in to her controlling husband”

• you think everyone would be saying “oh carry on then, her husband is obviously being controlling”

Really?

You’re talking about women supporting women and having faith in women. We’re trying to tell the OP to respect this man’s wife because this is overstepping. We’re asking her to look at what’s lacking in her own relationship and fix it. That’s how we’re trying to support women here today.

@OneFineDay22

my point was just don’t put “controlling on every spouse who objects without the full story.

This one might get deleted, but this post was clearly a classic wind up Mumsnet and watch them go. Interesting @Bingowashisnameoh1 hasn’t been back since it was pointed out that her original post about the wife’s profile pic coming up on the call literally wouldn’t happen unless she’d somehow already saved that number as a contact. I’d be glad to be proved wrong though if she’d like to come back and explain. Otherwise, I think anyone else offering advice is wasting time as this one has jumped the shark.

Happened in my home and the bloody woman is the HR go to!
She arranged my husband's redundancy because he always said workplace relationships were not for him!
My family destroyed by a foolish husband and a manipulative woman who collects other womens spouses!⁹

Why are you messaging each other, I wouldn't be happy if my husband was doing that either.

I’m another one on the side of her being the one doing the chasing judging by how she talks about him replying, buying him the DVD (who does that!) and the thing about the wife calling. She’s made a fool of herself.

That said I do find the people saying nobody can have opposite sex friends a bit tradwife. Yes, this OP was describing flirtation not friendship, but like the poster saying the man should only have guy friends at work - seriously? There’s a boundary between having a good relationship with a man at work that is more than just “pass the paper clips” and is a long way short of texting all hours and upsetting his DP!

I'm definitely not on the side of "no opposite sex friendships allowed if you're married". I've also been on the end of a jealous wife for absolutely no reason other than attending a work function with her husband, in a work capacity. I dislike it when women jump to accusing and blaming other women when they should be looking at their husband's behaviour, and I do think the wife's problem in this case is mostly a husband problem. If it wasn't OP, it would be someone else, if he isn't happy in the marriage/is looking elsewhere.

That said, I think in this case OP knows she is sailing close to the wind. This is a potentially very messy situation that I'd be running a mile from in OP's shoes. No way would I be wanting to risk being caught up as collateral on someone else's road that may lead to messy divorce, or ending up as an exit affair, or trashing my own marriage in the process. Just as there are some wives who are unreasonably jealous, there are some women who get off on getting attention and validation from married/attached men, and I think OP may be one of them, as most sensible women would be backing away from this potential clusterfuck.

What I've learned from this thread is that my life (and marriage) is deeply unusual, because a great many adults just can't get around the idea of their spouse having opposite gender friends OR can't countenance having an opposite gender friend without imagining shagging them.

Either way, what a strange and suffocating way to live your one life on earth.

@BarbieShrimp 10099% agree. But then I just get told I’m trying to be a ‘cool wife’. If your marriage is solid it should be possible for your husband to work with a woman who works completely nude and has an amateur interest in trampolining, and he still wouldn’t cheat.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with control. You can be the most liberal couple in the world as far as opposite sex friendships go, but the minute a friendship crosses the boundary into inappropriate and makes either spouse uncomfortable or suspicious, then you have a problem.

In OP’s case, not only does this man’s wife know about the friendship with OP, but he also has other female friends, so clearly his wife doesn’t have control issues in that respect, so I think the question here is what is it about their friendship in particular is causing his wife anxiety ? I think OP knows full well the answer to that question, but she simply doesn’t care about anyone but herself.