Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

You're asking on MN so you're going to get a certain type of response.

If you genuinely have no romantic feelings for this bloke then no, you've done nothing wrong. If you are willing to show your own DH the messages I do believe you. Just be aware that perhaps he has feelings for you, and that's where the issue could potentially lie. Just be careful.

Fwiw if there was a thread about a man reading his wife's messages and stopping her being friends with people I'm fairly certain the term "coercive control" would be thrown about. But apparently it's fine if it's the other way round. The double standards on here can be wild.

Show your husband each and every message and then come back to us.

I have male friends who I grew up with, they are like my brothers, sending “friendly banter messages” would give me the absolute fucking Ick.

If the wife is concerned because of the content of some of the text messages between OP and her ‘friend’ then her feelings are very much OP’s responsibility. A female work colleague texting ‘banter’ outside of work hours is cause for concern, and OP clearly has a need for his input, which suggests emotional attachment.

Why didn't you pick up the wife's call? Because you know a line has been crossed methinks?

I really can’t understand this attitude. OP must be messaging in the evening etc and occupying his attention. I think it’s babyish and egotistical behaviour by them both and yes, naive. He is in a relationship and private family life.

#Teamwife

Emotional attachment to a good friend? God forbid. Inform the taliban

So married people can only talk to their friends at pre-approved allotted hours?

Oh come on, she’s not ‘a friend’ — she rather likes the other woman’s husband and wishes she was talking to him in the evening. I think the people who are saying they’d be happy with this set up must be in very hollow relationships.

How does that work in a situation like mine - a lesbian with very close female friends?

FWIW, I’ve just shown my DH this thread. His opinion is that the wife clearly has something to worry about - maybe not where OP is concerned, if she’s to be believed when she says she’s happily married and not up for an affair, but DH says in his experience men don’t put this much effort or intensity into keeping up an opposite sex friendship unless they hope/want/expect it to turn into something else. He thinks the wife is picking up on changes in his behaviour and whatever is in the text messages has heightened her suspicions. He also thinks that if he does fancy OP, she’s aware of it.

this just sounds like you’ve never experienced a genuine friendship with deep fondness. Friends are as important as a partner and it’s a shame so many people see them as disposable.

@JayJayEl yep, I’d say that you, like anyone, would be able to tell if someone was vying for your partner’s intimate attention. I’m pretty sure none of my friends’ partners (male or female) feel I’m intruding on their intimate space/attention. The friendship is relaxed and we know partners come first. There is no message that would compel them to reply/couldn’t wait till tomorrow.

My husband has popped to make up a mint tea, but we are relaxing and watching some TV together. We’ve had a lovely day, been for lunch, did some shopping and tidied up the garden. He’ll come back in a minute, I’ll put down my phone and we’ll carry on enjoying time together.

If some woman kept messaging him every few minutes and he kept responding, I’d be pretty pissed off.

As for pre approved allotted hours, there aren’t ANY. If my husbands friends want to send a funny message or share an anecdote, no problem. But nope, if we are spending time together during the weekend, then he’s not getting into back and forth with another woman, I don’t care how platonic it is.

“Good friend” 😂😂😂😂 utter horse shit.

Oh believe me I have @thesealion, me and my woman friends text pretty much every day. Funnily enough nobody’s partner has ever felt threatened. Male friendship with ‘genuine fondness’ where I want to text them each evening instead of our usual relationships? I’m in my 40s and not naive.

It’s not a question of friends being disposable. It’s a matter of trust. From what OP’s said there seems to be a need for contact with her friend and vice versa. His wife is clearly picking up on that vibe and t’s causing her concern. So at what point is the partner as important as the friend ?

Not cool OP

Look dude. You KNOW this relationship is inappropriate. You KNOW is causing upset. It doesn't matter if it's innocent.

Tell him to go away and sort his marriage out and back off

That's it. Don't be a twat

If you’ve read all of the OPs updates and still think she’s doing nothing wrong, then you’re as bad as she is.
This woman thrives on attention at any cost. She isn’t trying to be his friend, she’s loving the attention and the drama she is causing, despite being married herself.

This. 100%. OP is intruding on their relationship and what comes across very strongly is that she knows it and doesn’t care. If l was the wife l would be asking where the need for this level of contact is coming from and why DH isn’t putting in boundaries.

But he is allowed female friends, apparently he has a few and his wife isn’t bothered about them, according to the OP. So clearly, and by OPs admission, her behaviour is what the wife has a problem with.
Nothing about his wife screams abusive or controlling

Speaking from someone who has had my life turned upside down with my husband having an EA with a work colleague- theres a huge huge difference between being good friends from work, respecting boundaries, not messaging constantly and partners being ok with it, to boundaries being crossed, messaging multiple times a day, sexual related chat and banter, flirting, sending playful selfies etc . If its not the latter, then yeah its fine. But even if you know the wife has an issue with it somehow, back off

Good friend my arse. He’s up for an affair, his wife is picking up on the vibe, OP knows it and she’s enjoying the drama.

Ok so where does that leave gay or bi people? I’m bi and communicate with my male and female friends about the same amount.

Sounds fine @thesealion. I’m sure if you became obsessed with one to the extend you were intruding on their relationship and their partner was upset, you’d know. You seem like you’d be able to intuit your own motives.