Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

I’ve plenty of male friends so no issue with mixed friendships.
In fact, one of them, many years ago, his then (short term) partner contacted me asking me not to message him anymore. I had zero interest in him, I’d known him years and was good friends with him and his ex wife. She was simply jealous, but you know what? I respected how she felt and didn’t want to come between them so I didn’t contact him again. When he contacted me again I let him know and we agreed it was for the best. He contacted me again a few months later when they split up. We were only ever friends.
The point is, this was a short term relationship but I still showed respect for this woman whom I didn’t know, and valued my friend enough to not cause any issues in his relationship.

OP you either have feelings for this man or you’re desperate for attention, either way, it’s not a good sign for your own marriage

Wow.

If roles were reversed and this was your dh and a female colleague and you were in his wife's shoes think about what you'd want to happen. Then do that.

So do tell me, how long have you and OP been friends?….

His wife is totally fine with his other female friends. Only an idiot would think she’s jealous and crazy.

WTF is this?! 🤣 Have you been after a married man yourself?!

OP has clearly said he has other female friends, it’s only her that there is a problem with - how is that controlling?!

Yes, go give the married man a cuddle and talk about his mean wife 🤣

Exactly this. His wife knows him far better than you do OP.

Edited to say, you should back off. Their marriage is more important than your friendship, unless of course the friendship isn't as innocent as you claim, in which case you'll no doubt carry on regardless of the damage it will inflict.

I think you need to listen to your friend here as she has seen some of the messages and has said you’re playing with fire.

Whatever is going on in their relationship is up to them to work out. Cool down the friendship, stop messaging him as much outside of work and focus on some other friends.

He doesn’t sound like su j a great guy if he’s been totally ignoring his wife’s concerns & feelings & carried on regular contact with you even though he knows it’s hurting her. And if you’re such good friends why has he not mentioned this previously?

Naive, no, I don’t think so. I think you know perfectly well.
But unkind, yes. His wife is unhappy but you’re not willing to back off.
He’s not happy at home? How do you know? And why persist if you know this to be the case? Your ‘friendship’ isn’t helping here, if it is true.
He has other female friends that his wife has no problem either? How do you know he has other friends, and how do you know his wife has no problem with these?
And why, if any of these things are true, are you insisting on stirring things?
I’m all for females having male friends and vice versa, but boundaries matter.

Good grief. If my partner ever contacted any of my friends and asked them to stop speaking to me I’d dump my partner. It is an absolutely immovable red line to me that my partner does not dictate my friendships, if they’re uncomfortable it’s on them to leave me and find someone with friendships they find acceptable. Likewise if I was contacted by a friend’s partner in this way I’d block them and ask my friend if they were ok being with someone so controlling.

As for people saying “why are you talking outside of work”…they’re friends? Making friends at work and continuing that relationship outside of work is a very normal thing to do! It’s where I’ve made most of my friends as an adult!

You are far from naive, OP - I suspect you know exactly what you are doing and are thriving on the subsequent drama. How about posting a screenshot of your messages so that we can better judge whether you are just being ‘friendly’.

What are the messages she's upset about?

Yes but either the OP won't do it or we'll get snippets of a sanitised version...

Yes, you need to dial it back. Right back to just "friendly work colleague". You don't contact each other outside of work.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you probably message/call each other quite often, and messages are a bit "over friendly".
Put yourself in her shoes and imagine it was your DH and a woman from HIS work. You'd be saying the same thing as everyone here.

The primary relationahop is between him and his wife she has no idea what your intentions are. You don't know what he's like with her. .

I woukdnt put one of many friendships I had over that person's relationship and I would seek to speak to her and calm her down and or back right off.

I don’t even know how you know who your partners are messaging. I don’t ask my partner who he’s talking to when he’s on his phone (and he doesn’t ask me) because it’s none of our business. If I thought he was doing something dodgy then it would be up to me to decide whether I trusted him enough to continue the relationship or not.

‘Suffocating’ forms no part part of a situation where a man acts unhappy at home with his wife and then reserves his happy energy for a female work colleague.

Which is why, as it says in my post you’ve quoted, ‘he doesn’t need to speak to you ‘outside of work’ So, no, it wouldn’t hurt him at work, would it?

Absolutely not true.
People who spout crap like this never see the nuances in individual situations.
Most people would agree that men and women can be just friends but it is as clear as day when a line is crossed and becomes inappropriate. As in this case here.

I recently saw a thread on here from the wife of a man who was constantly messaging his younger, female colleague to the point where she was sending him photos of her dinner. The poster was very distraught and it seemed she had good reason to be.
To you it may just be a friendship but to him ot could be much more and his wife, using her intuition, has realised that. Perhaps it's happened before with another female colleague. Who knows?
Whether that's the case or not, she's involved now and she's hurting.
It's not your fault at all but honestly, if it was me I'd be backing off and protecting myself.

This started off with me thinking wife was unreasonable but as you have continued I've realised you have sod all insight and are insensitive and not really his friend after all. A true friend would back away rather than revel in the damage they are causing.

Now you know your "friendship" is causing problems in your friend's marriage. His wife sees him having an EA with you.

I would bet that "banter" reads very differently from the wife's perspective. And he's talked about his marriage with you or you wouldn't have an inkling they're not in a good place.

Stop any and all communication outside of work. Stop the banter. He's a coworker, not a cozy friend. Back off.

Doing anything else even keeping up this "friendship" makes his life worse and is you bringing drama now that you know his wife sees this as an EA.

I personally don't believe you're naive. I think you know texting flirty, a synonym for playful, banter to a married coworker is crossing a line and shit stirring.

I think you know you are. The wife either has low confidence issues or she has grounds not to trust him.
Keep the relationship professional.

You didn’t know it was a problem, fair enough. But now you do. So, the trouble here becomes: his wife is not fine with his interest in you, and he has not pulled back. And now you are aware of this.

It could have been ok if his relationship with his wife was solid, but it isn’t. In continuing this “friendship” you would be giving him the impression you’re happy to be upsetting his wife and getting in the middle of their relationship issues. This will encourage the “emotional affair” aspect that seems to be coming from his side.

So, yes, you are being a bit unreasonable imo.

Why didn’t you answer the phone when you saw it was her? Apparently he’s a really good friend, not just a colleague - didn’t you think he might have been in the hospital or something? 🤔

@Wintersgirl spot on!