Partner walked out and left for the 20th time

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My boyfriend of 13 years and father to my 2 children, has walked out and left me. This will be about his 20th time he has upped and left. This pattern started when I was 7 weeks pregnant with my first child. And ever since then he has upped and left if I disagree with him. The relationship has been awful and over the years he’s said so many horrible things to me. Mocked my appearance, what I say, what I eat, what I watch. I’ve been fine since he left last week as I think I am now finally realising I don’t want this anymore. I’m sick of walking on egg shells, frightened to say anything that may upset him. I just feel a bit deflated today as he sounds really happy. I don’t want him back but the negative thoughts of how will I survive, and guilt over my children are now creeping in. Has anyone had a partner who has done this, and you have finally now broke free

Don't allow him back whatever you do

If he has left 20 times then that means he's been allowed back in 19 times. Remind yourself why you wouldn't want to do it a 20th time. Be aware of the things that might make you think you should.

Him "sounding happy" is part of his abuse.

Dont let there be 21 times by doing the righ thing ..do not have him back

Work out how to survive
Do you work?
Do you rent?

So what if he sounds really happy? You should be really happy that you’re no longer in an awful relationship with a man who constantly says horrible things to you.

Yes. Many people. It is typical abusive behaviour. Seek belo to keep him gone. The arsehole doesnt deserve a moments thought.

That's is absolutely AWFUL. You can't live a life with the fear that he may just up and leave if you disagree/voice your opinion. All relationships have arguments (to a degree), disagreements, differing perspectives and opinions. You work through them, not "punish" your partner by upping and leaving them.

I don’t want him back. I work and I part own the house we both live in. He’s gone to stay somewhere else. I think over the years I have been in a panic state and begged for him to come back. But now something in me has switched. I don’t have that panic. I’ve realised the house is calmer. I’m just having a down day. I think what type of man walks out that many times. I don’t know how I ever allowed him to come back the first time. Probably because I was so early on in my pregnancy and scared

One of my male friends girlfriend always left after an argument.
Each time she took the kettle.
This had been going on for a long time.
Then one day just before he retired he realised that was not the life he wanted anymore.
He moved out blocked her and is now happy in a one bed flat.

You don't need that life start a new one without the abuse.

The feeling calm is a really good sign. It means you’ve really reached a place of acceptance rather than feeling desperate to get him back. You don’t need me to tell you this is a toxic relationship. Take a chance to breathe while he’s away and focus on YOUR future not what he’s doing/saying/feeling. Don’t tell him it’s the end until you’re ready to make the next move.

Do you feel safe to end it? Maybe talk it through with a DA helpline as what you’re experiencing IS abuse (no matter what anyone says on here emotional abuse causes lasting damage as much as physical abuse. Before you do anything make sure you know what your financial position would be; what your next steps are etc. He isn’t your friend and isn’t someone who will put your interests first at all so isn’t the person to talk it through with.

You shouldn’t feel guilty, this is all on him, think of it along the lines of the fact that you’re not breaking up the family, HE is. You are now showing your children that they don’t need to put up with this emotional abuse in a relationship. They use your relationship as the blueprint for any relationships they may have, by removing him from your life they are far less likely to end up in a similar relationship.

He’s abusing you, he’s using his absence to get what he wants and ensure you don’t question.

You can take charge of this, he is not the only one who gets to have choices. No point worrying about the past now, what's important is moving forward. Time to work out a plan, you can figure it out. It might be hard, but not as hard as putting up with that crap.

He will probably whinge/complain/promise to do better/ whatever, because he won't like you being in charge of it. It doesn't matter, don't let him guilt trip you. The children are better off without the uncertainty as well as you. You're not vulnerable and in a panic now, find the fury and use it.

You can stop it by being the one to break the pattern. Stop having him back and his power over you is broken. Make this time the last time.

It's so bad for your kids for this to be their normal: dad pissing off whenever he feels like it, mum begging him back. You're doing the right thing: you can give them stability & consistency on your own, instead of the turbulence, drama and insecurity of him coming & going.

Is he off with other women when he does this? Manufacturing a row so he can self-justify going off to screw someone else?

I’m so sorry.

Its abusive, he’s training you and punishing you.

It’s a terrible way for you to live and it’s a dreadful example of a relationship for your children to grow up with.

He won’t change so you have to.

He’s not just cruel to you but he’s walked out on his dc 20 times too. That instability will really affect their own future relationships and their self esteem. It’s a form of abuse. I’m so sorry you’ve had to put up with this from him. And he’s happy is he? Or just acting like that to hurt you further. Op it might be worth some therapy if some sort now. So you can see things clearer and know how to deal with your emotions should he try to worm his way back in x

You'll feel so much happier and free knowing you don't want him back, don't bother contacting him. Get you'd paperwork together, calculate the bills, he'll be in touch .

Every single time he walked out it was to 'punish' you for daring to disagree with him.

Fuck that. Tell him not to come back.

If you let him come back it will never be over, are you happy to live forever like that with him / walking on eggshells etc
When my marriage broke down altho it was a stressful time it was the best thing I ever did. Nowadays me and my children live a Happy Peaceful stress free Life ! Fast forward a few months and youl be more happy than when you were with him.

Don't let him back / journal - write a list of all of his bad points, as many negative things as you can think of. read it whenever you feel weak.

Treat yourself and your children, in any way you can. To help you get through this time and to realize without him you will have more time to focus on yourself.
When I was married I was always stressing and I didn't even eat or drink properly. After the break up I started to look after myself properly and eat, drink, excercise, bought vitamins , took time out for myself once my children were in bed like a hot bath, a massage (back massage mat). Etc.

Yes. My partner - with him 9 and a half years, now divorced - ran away 16 times. Why?

The word "no"
A different opinion to him
Any perceived, slightest smallest criticism

You deserve a whole lot better. Don't underestimate how this will affect you. Seek support and validation from those who love you.

You are literally me 12 years ago. He left for the 20th time and that was the time I was finally strong enough to say no more.

Fast forward 12 years, all three DC are happy, healthy, doing well in their jobs, school etc.

I'm now married to a wonderful man who respects, loves and treats me like an equal, and from day one he has been a fabulous step father to the DC.

ExDH, well, he's still the same miserable toad he was then, and he always will be.

Biggest tip, don't stop the children from seeing him, but don't force them to see him either, and don't let them hear you badmouth him - you will keep the moral highground and there is a wonderful view from up there!

Onwards and upwards OP, you've got this xxx

I'm glad you're resolute on not letting him back! He probably will beg to but please be firm. How does he usually weasel his way back in?

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me your advice. I think what has made me change is my eldest who is nearly 10 noticing he leaves every now and then and I thought, no this is not right. It cannot happen. I need to protect my children’s mental health as well as my own. I’m realising that I am not a bad person, I don’t deserve this. I work, look after the children, I run the house, do the cooking, food shopping, washing, cleaning of the house. He goes to work and back. So he won’t be missed in helping out as he didn’t do anything here anyway. I’m just feeling a bit down. I don’t have anyone to confide in. My friend who I did confide in, I stopped telling her after the 5th time he left because I am so embarrassed. Thank you all x x

He normally returns after I beg. But I won’t ever do that again. I literally feel nothing but sadness. I know it will pass

I am hacked off i threw my husband out and divorced him in the early 2000s. I should have divorced him in the 80s. I was so ecstatic that the divorce had come through i danced outside the court and bought Champagne.

You have never felt you and your DC can count on him, he’s never emotionally supported you and he bails whenever he feels hemmed in or you disagree with him, then you apologise and beg him to come back. He’s not relationship material nor someone who will put the children first, I hope you kick him to the kerb.

Just take stock for a minute.
Think about how this affects you. Then think about how it affects your children.

Hopefully, there in those thoughts, you find the strength to break free