Being sworn at in front of kids

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Looking for opinions.
Before I met DP I gave multiple friends advice when they talked to me about how badly their husbands spoke to them. My advice was basically run a mile.
now here I am, two daughters 2&4, and more and more often I’m being sworn at, name called and generally disrespected by my partner of 10 years. Most of the time within possible ear shot although I like to think the girls are oblivious, at the moment. Today he told me to fuck off right in front of them and I’m starting to feel I’m at my limit. I’ve never been spoken to badly in a relationship yet my DP doesn’t think it’s an issue. Never apologies despite knowing how strongly I feel about it. I cannot stand the idea of setting that example to my girls. I guess I’m asking is it enough to break up the family, how much do people put up with??!!

I’ve been married for over 30 years and my DH has never sworn at me.

There is no way I would accept this. I wouldn’t tolerate being sworn at, but i would also be very concerned about the likelihood of my DC copying his words. Do you want a discussion with the reception teacher about how your child swore at staff/other children?

I would tell him that it stops now and if he does it one more time you’re done. I’d also try to record him so he cannot deny doing it.

Op make this your limit, that's enough, no explaining, no more second chances,

Make that ' f@@k off ' real,
pack up his stuff and get him out,

@Maray1967@Omgblueskys thanks so much for your replies. I’ve told him multiple times how much I hate it, it’s a total non negotiable to me, yet he continues to do it. And I totally agree with all you say and it’s exactly what I’d say to anyone else. SO hard when it’s your own relationship. On paper it’s clear to me… but breaking up the family seems huge. All comes down to financials, we aren’t married, so it’s all a bit overwhelming. Appreciate your replies a lot x

I’d be seriously getting your ducks in a row and yes it is enough to split up over. As you say your children will be seeing and hearing this. Sending you strength.

You don’t break up the family yet, you ask him to leave the family home until he can speak to you respectfully even if he’s angry. You won’t tolerate being sworn at anymore
or if you need him there, you tell him once you won’t be spoken to like that anymore and you completely distance yourself from him, speak neutrally to him, spend evenings when the kids are asleep away from him, stop cooking , cleaning and doing anything for him.
If none of this works then you need to leave him

Your children are being subjected to domestic abuse.

But it's not "non negotiable" because you allow him to keep on doing it.

If something is ACTUALLY non negotiable you explain this and if nothing changes, you remove yourself from him

You've told him it's a non-negotiable but you're still accepting it.
Have a serious conversation with him, tell him you are prepared to leave the relationship over it as it is damaging to your daughters.
Would he consider counselling?

Thank you, I have tried to have these conversations multiple times. He blows up, gets nasty and we never really address it properly. He’s become so difficult to talk to; communication is terrible. I guess that’s why I’m posting… I’m at the very end of my tether and think this is a last request for validation that I need to go. X

If he's being aggressive/verbally aggressive, call the police

Yes you’re right I probably should have left the second time he did it! Nope he is very anti counseling I’ve tried that route. Zero willingness to change or take accountability

He might be doing this deliberately in the hopes that you will dump him. Then he can play the victim.

Start planning your exit

Absolutely unacceptable. Your children are learning what you tolerate.

He's checked out of the relationship already then. You just need to sort out the practical stuff now.

Do you work? Can you support yourself? Who owns the house?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially with two young kids. No one deserves to be spoken to like this, multiple times especially by the father of your children. The fact you’ve had conversations multiple times now, If he thinks it’s acceptable, doesn’t even feel the need to stop, then you may have no choice but to leave him.

Kids this age hear and take in way more than we often give them credit for. They absolutely know that Daddy talks unkindly to Mummy. You need to show them that women should not accept being treated this way. You deserve better and so do your children.

If my husband swore at me as a regular thing I'd be out the door.

We moved house yesterday and things were very tense (health issues for us both so both sore and grumpy), he snapped at me in a shitty tone so I replied if he ever spoke to me like that again I'd fucking knock him out. I don't think the kids heard but my parents and dhs best friend certainly did. 17 years it's taken to come to blow like that. The difference being, my dh grovelled with apology afterwards and was very upset that he had hurt me.

Only you can decide the manner in which it was said and his demeanor. He sounds like an utter cunt frankly.

so sorry you’re going through this OP. I agree with PP that you should probably prepare to leave. His behaviour is unacceptable. However, if you want to make one last ditch effort, could you approach it by asking him if he is ok? He could be overwhelmed or depressed. This is absolutely no excuse but I wonder if you would get a different response. He might be less defensive. But I think you know deep down this is not the role model you want for your girls.

Yes it’s enough to break up the relationship. You don’t want your kids growing up thinking this is ok. And kids hear more than you think. You don’t want them repeating those words either.

Whatever your girls witness will be what they come to expect from a future partner.

Get him gone, yesterday.

Appreciate the comment…this has been going on for months really, the core issue is parenting imbalance and built up resentment, but the REAL issue is how we deal with it. He just isn’t able to have a healthy conversation without getting defensive and quite frankly rude! I think he’s the product of his upbringing… I can’t get my head around how he was brought up in an abusive house and in many ways is SO overprotective of the girls, yet he thinks it’s acceptable to speak to me in such a derogatory way. He’s an intelligent bloke but I think the damage was done to him too young!

I’ve thought the same and I’ve even told him it feels like he’s pushing me away! I’ve no problem being the one to break us up if it’s the right decision. He tells me I have a victim mentality all the time which simply isn’t true

I do work thank god, albeit he earns about 5x what I do. So I could make it work but it’ll be very hard and a total change in lifestyle for the girls. House is 50 50.

You’re so right yep, I remember when my daughter was 3 she told my mum ‘daddy shouted at mummy because he lost his keys’ . It killed me