Being sworn at in front of kids

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Looking for opinions.
Before I met DP I gave multiple friends advice when they talked to me about how badly their husbands spoke to them. My advice was basically run a mile.
now here I am, two daughters 2&4, and more and more often I’m being sworn at, name called and generally disrespected by my partner of 10 years. Most of the time within possible ear shot although I like to think the girls are oblivious, at the moment. Today he told me to fuck off right in front of them and I’m starting to feel I’m at my limit. I’ve never been spoken to badly in a relationship yet my DP doesn’t think it’s an issue. Never apologies despite knowing how strongly I feel about it. I cannot stand the idea of setting that example to my girls. I guess I’m asking is it enough to break up the family, how much do people put up with??!!

A nice lifestyle counts for bugger if they are growing up seeing abuse from dad towards you as their mum. Your kids as well as you deserve an abuse free home.

Absolutely agree… as much as I find the financial insecurity daunting I know full well that is not a reason to stay

I honestly think it is only a matter of time before he starts hitting you. He's pushing your boundaries further and further to see what you will put up with. It turns out that your non-negotiable of respectful communication is not actually non-negotiable at all as you are tolerating being sworn at in front of the children. He punched a wall and you put up with it. He barged into you and you put up with it. He's controlling and you are putting up with it.

You are in a glided cage and your girls are learning that women should tolerate unpleasant men. You need to see a lawyer right now and make a plan. Do not wait until you are 100%. You never will be.

I don’t want to appear naive but I’ve never been worried about that, he’s so staunchly protective of me (well used to be) and the girls. But I can totally see your point. He’s never been controlling around what I look like or who I spend time with or anything like that… but I can see how this can be the start of a slipperl slope. He does have an aggressive side to him; although also told me he dealt with it years ago through therapy and moved away from hometown to grow up a bit etc. Who knows but I see your point

You don’t really know he had therapy, do you.
Since he’s anti-counselling, it seems odd that he willingly addressed his aggression years ago.

I’ve been in a very similar situation and finally left just before Christmas.

I recognise a lot of my Exp’s behaviour in your partner’s behaviour.

The final straw was when he came home drunk one Tuesday night and was horrible to me, it escalated and he pushed the door on me to get into the bedroom and then went to wake our daughter up to move her into our bed so he could sleep in hers. She was already awake so I don’t know what she’d heard. I was genuinely scared and horrified he’d put her in the middle of it. No apologies from him the next morning until he realised I really was done.

It’s hard leaving. I get panicked about money, stability and the future BUT I don’t have to put up with that treatment anymore nor does my daughter.

I think if I’d made excuses again and stayed, I would regret not leaving. I regret not leaving sooner and I hold a lot of guilt for my daughter but I have to keep reminding myself that it isn’t my guilt and shame to carry.

If you can speak to some DA charities and be brutally honest with thy your friends and family. Once I told my friends and family what had happened, they rallied round me and have been so supportive. I think if we got back together, they would be opposing it very vocally.

You deserve so much more as do your children. After the incident I described above, I finally realised that if a friend or a child told me the same had happened to them I would be horrified and would support them to be safe. Physical and emotional safety are the bedrock of a functioning family.

"He does have an aggressive side to him; although also told me he dealt with it years ago through therapy and moved away from hometown to grow up a bit etc".

His aggressive side is still very much on show and now he is verbally abusing you and in turn the children. All he cares about is his own self and his own needs. You and the kids are but of secondary concern to him. I doubt he's had any therapy at all given also how anti counselling he is and besides which he would need YEARS of same. And even then it may not have any long lasting effects.

You have also written that he has shoved you and punched walls; these are all examples of domestic violence. It is but a short step between punching walls and punching you; punching a wall means that you could be next.

He is likely to be quite plausible to those in the outside world like so many abusers are. Men like this too can and do damage perhaps already weakened boundaries.

Thank you for this, so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I feel the same in that if it was my sister or a friend I would be telling them to get gone. So much harder when it’s your own life. I’m not sure what’s stopping me really; the hope he’ll change but deep down I know that’s not going to happen. He NEVER apologizes for things he says. And I very much doubt he would even if I was to leave, his ego wouldn’t let him.

This should be a massive get rid of him or you go call. He is not only abusing you but also your girls. The youngest has clearly shown she is being affected, by her reaction this morning. If you cannot or won't do it for yourself, do it for them. Be very clear to him that her reaction is a direct response to his behaviour.

OP this isn't going to improve and you will NEVER get an apology as he's convinced himself he is right and it's all your fault and it's clearly escalating.

One thing I will mention is your children and not underestimating what they hear from personal experience (thankful not directed at me) & how this could quickly escalate out of your control. My DS was in primary school around 6 or 7 and came home really upset one day. It took a while to get it out of him but finally he said 'mummy XX said some bad words today' . When he finally whispered 'you fucking cunt' my heart just broke for the poor boy who said it as I could just imagine his vile excuse for a father shouting it at his mum. I reported to the school as a safeguarding concern & it turns out I wasn't the only one or first concern reported - obviously no idea what happened but often think of them and really hope his mum got some help (rarely saw her at school and end of term they had all moved away 😟) If your DC repeat something like this school WILL have a duty of care to act.

Yes my ex called me a fucking cunt in front of dd before Xmas - coz I found his vodka bottle as he was drunk. We left seconds later

this outs me if anyone readying and knows me - and why dd didn’t want to be alone with ex anymore

yes he said sorry later - to me and I said he needed to say the same to dd - but damage was done.

I left my husband once when in the middle of M&S he called me a ‘fucking idiot’. It was the one and only time the man has ever said anything like it and to be fair, I was being a fucking idiot, however, no one, not one person calls me anything like that. I left for a week. Never done it since. Stop allowing it.

Let go of any and all residual hope that he will change. This is who he is and he’s not going to change. Don’t waste any more of your time on him.

Also he being nice to the girls is sending them mixed messages because he is nasty to you.

The thing is, they won’t change. Perhaps with years and years of intense therapy and those programmes for abusive men but it’s no one’s responsibility to wait for someone whilst they embark on tha level of actual accountability.

I’ve found so many letters and texts from the course of my relationship where it was the same thing time and time again. So many times where I begged him to treat me better. I used to think him apologising made up for it. But he was never sorry.

Your partner won’t change - if anything it sounds like he could escalate dangerously. But you can change the course of YOUR life and your daughters’ lives by leaving him.

I hope that he understands that once the children copy and say it at school, or if neighbours / members of public ever hear him, he could have social services involved. I wonder what his answer would be to a social worker when asked why he swears at you? I wonder if he would tell them to F off too and say he thinks it’s acceptable in his opinion. This man is absolutely deluded.

How would this man feel, if you two seperated, he no longer lived with you and you met a new man who verbally abused you like this, in front of his daughters? His daughters told him how it made them feel scared. Would he be OK with that?

Nonsense. People have a choice about how they react to things. They can repeat the same damaging patterns or they can think, work on things, and create a new pattern.

Yes I agree… as others have said, he manages to control his language in the office, so why do it to me. Everything is a choice.

Exactly! I’ve made this point to him before, fast forward and what if one of the girls came home saying her boyfriend called her a cunt. He’d be right round there tearing the bloke a new one. Such double standard parenting! He is so protective of the girls, he called the nursery and asked our eldest to be moved rooms when she was bitten when she was about 14 months. Absolutely ridiculous. There’s no way he would stand for them being treated badly which is why I struggle to get my head around it!!!

Op I hope you find the strength to leave OP. He’s abusive. Document everything, speak to women’s aid and if you feel in any way in danger call the police.

Well I am still in shock about it all tbh. He was a good man and step father for 6 years. I was very happy. We had a baby. He changed over night. To all the people who say there are always red flags I call BS. He became a different person. Lovely to everyone apart from me who he became more and more abusive towards . It all ended horribly with the police and courts . He rewrote everything and called me an abuser and mentally ill. He reported me to the police. He actually became dangerous. And I just can’t square that circle with the man I knew for so long. I think that’s why people stay , they are hoping they will work out the solution and get their lovely partner back. Sadly it just won’t happen. I realise that now. Though it really hurts that the other woman is now getting the lovely him and she believes all his rubbish. Even though she was my friend. I think the experience has broken me a bit tbh. Like I said op I really wish I had left when the name calling started. He would not have had time to really start hating me and making stuff up. We would probably have been able to co parent amicably. Not a chance of that now.

please be strong and good to yourself op. He views you as lesser than him and your children love you and think you are wonderful. Seeing his treatment of you will break their hearts . Good luck

I personally think this man would be a much better father out of the family home. You two definitely can’t be living together right now while the children are victims of verbal abuse. First and foremost the children get put first and your relationship second. After your recent updates here I would lock him out the home and tell him he can’t live with the children while he’s swearing at you. I really hope you can find a solution OP

OP, this man has contempt for you. That means he has dehumanised you already. Hitting is not far away.

I've thought about this a lot as my ex was the same: fiercely protective if someone else appears to do or say something against any member of the family, yet happy to make any one of us cry, and create a horrific atmosphere for hours on end if he didn't have everything exactly as he wanted.

I realised eventually that it's because he saw us all as his property. No-one else can touch it except him. And he can do with his property whatever he goddam likes.

this terrifies me for my kids and their future relationship with him… when they’re old enough to disagree and disobey… I’m really gonna have my work cut out trying to shield them from it