Being sworn at in front of kids

[weetabix80]

Looking for opinions.
Before I met DP I gave multiple friends advice when they talked to me about how badly their husbands spoke to them. My advice was basically run a mile.
now here I am, two daughters 2&4, and more and more often I’m being sworn at, name called and generally disrespected by my partner of 10 years. Most of the time within possible ear shot although I like to think the girls are oblivious, at the moment. Today he told me to fuck off right in front of them and I’m starting to feel I’m at my limit. I’ve never been spoken to badly in a relationship yet my DP doesn’t think it’s an issue. Never apologies despite knowing how strongly I feel about it. I cannot stand the idea of setting that example to my girls. I guess I’m asking is it enough to break up the family, how much do people put up with??!!

My daughters? No… friends and family yes. Friends tell me to leave, family want to see it work but think deep down know it probably can’t

Thank you this is such a helpful comment. I spend a lot of time in my head wondering where it went wrong, what we could have done differently and how a relationship that was once so good, is now so bad. But you’re right, with someone like him the outcome will always be the same. He blames me for being negative, and moany, and ungrateful… what he doesn’t see at all is the part he plays in that.

You say he’s a product of his upbringing (which I agree with), so ask yourself, do you want your girls to be a product of their upbringing? Because that is what will likely happen if you stay in this abusive and toxic relationship, that your girls are witnessing.

Your primarily relationship will become the blueprint for your children’s relationship, and they will believe this is what a relationship is like. They will likely either accept this treatment as normal from a partner, or become your partner. Either way you need to show them, that it’s not acceptable and you leave someone who treats you like this.

Sorry, I don’t mean that to sound harsh, but I speak from experience.

Totally agree and this is my main concern and focus of this situation. I want them to learn healthy relationships and I want them to see that women shouldn’t put up with being disrespected. I suppose another worry is, if I’m a single mum how do they learn what healthy relationships look like?

It is damaging to the children I completely agree but it is also utterly disrespectful to her.

It’s enough for you to leave @weetabix80

From the Domestic Abuse Act;

"It also makes clear that children are deemed to be victims of DA if they see, hear, or experience the effects of abuse and they are related to the victim or offender."

Abusing you in front of the child is classed, by law, as absuing them too.

That would be my impetus to leave.

Thank you for this. I told him he is verbally abusive once and he laughed and said ‘you don’t know the meaning of abuse.’

You're not going to be able to persuade him to stop being abusive. There isn't an argument you can have where he realises he's at fault and becomes a better partner and parent. The only way abusive relationships stop being abusive is when the victim leaves, and stays away for good. Can you see a solicitor about the house?

‘you don’t know the meaning of abuse.’

This is the go to line of an abuser. Life long abuse begins in all the small ways you have described.

He's making your life miserable and therefore that of your children too. Children soak up the feelings of their mother like little sponges.

This thread may help you see what is starting to happen. All the signs are there. Leave before this man ruins your family.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5497126-whats-your-quiet-freedom-after-leaving-an-abusive-relationship?page=2&reply=150844435

I don’t have any advice OP. My partner of 20 years (two young children too) is also getting increasingly disrespectful. Luckily he doesn’t swear at me, as I’d find that as upsetting as you, but his response to disagreement is getting more and more defensive and he raises his voice when he didn’t use to. I’m also unhappy with how it is so I empathise.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that dithering and contemplating over next steps is normal, breaking up a family is a big deal and it’s very normal to sway backwards and forwards before doing so. Everything you’re feeling is normal.

Would some counselling for you be helpful? So if you do leave, you feel sound in the decision? It may help you process what’s been going on in the relationship and how you can move forwards.

It’s hard when you’ve had a long term relationship and it’s gone sour. Can it get better? Maybe, but I have no experience so I can’t help. Also some other points from your posts that stood out to me, aside from the name calling, was how he has let you know he’d keep the house etc. That’s not in the moment anger, it’s exerting control. Would he really expect you to leave? Does he think he’d keep the children with him? How can he expect you to be happy in the relationship when he’s lauding that over you?

Do you have somewhere you can go with the children? Parents?

This totally

he is emotionally and mentally and verbally abusing you

this is what my dh did when drunk. And lost his temper and shouted and drank in secret .when i was out And told dd not to tell mummy

took a while but eventually I had enough an wee been split 2yrs now and in middle of divorce

only you can decide when have had enough

Sounds like he hates you.

Not all the time, but enough of time for “fuck off” to actually mean he wants you to fuck off.

It also sounds as if you don’t hate him - why do you think that is?

i think he does… certainly behaves like he does. So much contempt.

I think I do a little bit. But part of me clinging on to the person I met / person I want him to be (although knowing deep down never will be again!)

thank you. I think this is one thing I’ve been wondering. Because I’ve not been sure if he’s just a bit of an arse when times are tough, or is he actually abusive? Seems like such a strong word but I’m feeling from this thread that it is abuse. And therefore yes I am wasting my breath trying to get through to him

He is abusive through and through. He does not speak to others like this, no this verbal abuse is for you dnf you alone. Such men hate women, all of them. I would urge you to plan your exit with due care before this gets worse for you and in turn your kids. You can show your kids healthy relationship lessons by showing them properly the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none by not tolerating or excusing it yourself.

Yes I could do, although I don’t want this to be too disruptive to the kids, also someone mentioned to me I shouldn’t leave the family home with the girls, because if it comes to court at a later date it looks like I don’t need the house etc, not sure if that makes sense of if it’s correct. I’ve no problem leaving the home but it will be tough leaving the lifestyle

Thank you. Good to hear as I often worry I’m going to look back and think I’ve wasted time but I also need to feel 💯 happy with the decision before I take the plunge.
yes he can be quite controlling when he’s irritated, likes things done his way, banished me to the spare room a while ago for example, tells me if I’m going to leave I can’t take my car as he bought it etc etc. Totally controlling. And yes he thinks he’d do 50 50 which will be pretty much impossible with his job.

Thank you this is a good read

This is going to escalate to physical abuse at some stage.

Potentially. He’s punched a wall before and barged me out of the way but that’s all in 10 years

That's all? He's worn you down to the point that you can't see how bad this is.

Oh god no I know, if it was anyone else I’d be saying run

I feel so sorry for you & your DC. It seems you are between a rock and a hard place.
This is emotional abuse. It will not magically stop. Please, please make a decision to rid yourself of this horrible individual.
Dignity is worth everything. Peace of mind for you & a decent role model for the DC.
Enough is enough.
You deserve better. Seek legal advice this week & begin the journey to happiness.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Punching walls and barging you out of the way are both examples of domestic violence, violence that your dc if not directly seen would have picked up on. They see all your reactions both spoken and unspoken to him. Now they’re seeing verbal violence from their father towards you and so are further bring shown damaging lessons about relationships.

You have a choice re this man op, your dc do not.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. That’s the question that needs addressing.