Being sworn at in front of kids

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Looking for opinions.
Before I met DP I gave multiple friends advice when they talked to me about how badly their husbands spoke to them. My advice was basically run a mile.
now here I am, two daughters 2&4, and more and more often I’m being sworn at, name called and generally disrespected by my partner of 10 years. Most of the time within possible ear shot although I like to think the girls are oblivious, at the moment. Today he told me to fuck off right in front of them and I’m starting to feel I’m at my limit. I’ve never been spoken to badly in a relationship yet my DP doesn’t think it’s an issue. Never apologies despite knowing how strongly I feel about it. I cannot stand the idea of setting that example to my girls. I guess I’m asking is it enough to break up the family, how much do people put up with??!!

Absolutely and this puts the fear into me SO MUCH! I hope I’ve not already done them damage… but I would NEVER let them tolerate it from a man so I shouldn’t not be setting that example

You deserve a million times better than this. It’s all the more important that you resolve it. Either by leaving or counselling as the fact you have two girls……I wouldn’t want them seeing this and thinking that it’s acceptable or that it’s all you or they deserve.

If you care about your children, please don’t subject them to this. It’s incredibly damaging. Everyone deserves better.

I have been married for over 30 years. My husband and I have never once name-called or swore at each other in anger. Children need to be raised by parents who love and respect each other.

Sorry I replied before reading your responses to other replies. The face he’s unwilling to change or even consider counselling or communicate with you speaks volumes. Non verbal communication is just as loud as verbal and you’ve been fine the answer you need. He doesn’t care about your feelings or your daughters to change or take your feelings into account, I’m sorry

He does not treat his work colleagues or his mother with such disdain, no his verbal abuse of you is reserved solely for you. You would not be breaking this family unit up, he’s already done that by verbally abusing you. It could well be a matter of time before your dc start copying their verbally abusive father telling a teacher for instance to F off and that is not a conversation you want to have.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your relationship with him is over and furthermore you are not some rehab centre for such a badly raised man. He probably also thinks you drive him to swear at you. It’s always someone else’s fault, never their own in their head.

What do you want to teach your dc about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is not the role model they should be seeing.

Seek legal advice re the property and finances start the process of extracting yourself from this abusive relationship. Contact Womens Aid for further support. The house is full of bad memories and can be sold. Your children will also thank you.

You need to leave. The damage it's doing to you daughter will become irreversible.

Yes. Leave. His behaviour is disgusting and will only escalate. Your children will be exposed to more harm through continuing to see this towards you (or worse) than they would having their parents separated, and at 2 and 4 they will pick up on it, even if you don’t think they will/are. Put you and your children first, and also model to them of the standards they should have for future relationships and not tolerating abusive behaviour in any form.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Tolerating this at all from him is not doing you or the kids here any favours. They need to be taught the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Abuse is not a relationship issue nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of . It is about power and control and he wants absolute over you and in turn the dc. Be brave here and separate yourself from him.

Sorry you’re going through it too.
his relationship with the kids is good generally, if anything he’s over protective. But hes not particularly involved in the day to day. Uses the well paid job and lots of work travel as an excuse to ‘need to rest’ at the weekend. Never gets up in the morning, I’m total default parent and even when I’ve been on my knees with sleep deprivation he’s not supported me. He’s convinced that I play the victim about how life is hard, to my friends and family when I have nothing to complain about and should be grateful for what I have.

as for the insults… he’s told me to F off plenty of times, selfish prick, fucking moron, tells me to ‘get out’ of the room, shut the fuck up, called me a cunt 2 or 3 times, horrible woman, bitch. It’s getting more regular where we’ve not been getting on… I can only see it getting worse if I stay. I cannot fathom how he thinks it’s good parenting, yet I told him that once now he constantly brings up that I called him a terrible dad.

feels like it’s not my life when I write that all down…! Absolutely exhausting. Sending you love x

I validate you that you need to go.

your daughters will grow up thinking it’s ok for their partner to treat them this way.

I get it. I found it hard to leave when I was in this situation. Easy to tell others to go but harder to do it yourself. Well he escalated to violence in the end so I did leave. And you know why I stayed so long? Because I’d never seen a healthy version of love from my parents. It’s for our daughters we have to leave if we cannot do it for ourselves xx

I’m so sorry, that sounds so hard. Impossible to work through things if he won’t talk. As you say, it’s ironic that he is overprotective in some ways but can’t see how damaging this behaviour is.

Thank you… I think a multitude of reasons… it’s got progressively worse since having kids, but the girls are close in age, I’ve found parenting really hard as I’m on my own for a lot of the time… and time has flown by. It’s also not an every day occurrence and I’m always finding excuses for the behaviour. Also constantly trying to have a sensible, adult conversation about how bad things are but realizing it’s an impossible task. But seeing him today so brazenly say it in front of the girls was a bit of a wake up call. I’m scared to pull the plug, I feel like he’ll want to make my life hell… and he has sooooo much more money than I do I’m scared of having no security. But I know none of these are reasons to stay

Im sorry op- that sounds awful.

I have been there. I stayed too long, trying to make him see , trying to fix things. The longer I stayed the less he respected me and the worse he treated me . I told him I would leave if he didn’t stop and started making plans to leave, I foolishly thought this would make him change as he wouldn’t want to lose me, the kids, our life . Actually he just put his effort into having an affair and rewriting everything to everyone. He did a lot of damage - all to avoid taking responsibility.

I wish I had left the first time he called me a bitch, with my dignity in tact. Don’t be me op . You can’t fix these people. I mean would you ever call anyone those names? No! These men view women as lesser.

good luck op! Please take the power

Really appreciate your reply thank you, so sorry for what you’ve been through. I totally agree. At this point it wouldn’t surprise me if there was someone else, which says it all really. I’ve told him i feel like that and he obviously just told me he was offended i would think that. I have a real fear of looking back and thinking I stayed too long, but also a fear of leaving without feeling I’ve really tried… so it’s a tough position to be stuck in.! But ultimately if he’s not willing to play his part I don’t feel I have much choice

I wondered this too

So pathetic and weak if he is!

Appreciate this thank you. His tone is now 99% off with me and I’m convinced my girls are becoming impacted. He’s taken them to nursery / school this morning and my youngest was besides herself wanting me to take her. He’s nice as pie to them but his tone towards me is so cold and uncaring. I wouldn’t dream of calling anyone these names, he cannot have any respect for me let alone love. Can I ask if things are better now? I feel free at the thought of leaving despite knowing how hard it will be

We have 2 young children so life can be stressful but I can genuinely say we never swear at each other or name call. We do both swear, but never at each other and never around the kids. Our eldest is nearly 2 and is an absolute sponge & parrot, she takes everything in and repeats everything she hears so your children will do the same.

I wish I could do this… he’s made it clear in past arguments that he is not leaving the house and I’ll be the one to go. It’s 50 50 but he pays the mortgage and somehow believes that gives him the right to boot me out 🙄

Thank you, totally agree with all of this and yes, he blames me… tells me you ‘get what you give’ and that I push him to the point where he blows. Ironically, what he is so fixated on is the few times that HE has pushed me to the point where I’ve blown and said some hurtful things (all of which I believe to be true he just doesn’t like hearing them.) he pushes me, I react, he focuses on my reaction rather than what causes it. It’s so toxic.

Yes I can accept that this is a tricky time of life, two small kids that don’t sleep, busy jobs etc etc. But it’s the way he deals with (or doesn’t) that’s done the damage. I’ve never sworn AT anybody in my life but quite often he’ll say ‘you swear all the time.’ It’s like he can’t even see the difference between general swearing and swearing AT me. I can’t fathom it honestly. And yes my daughter picks up on stuff too she’s said a few naughty things she’s heard in the playground. Matter of time before she copies him.