Affair partner decided to stay despite him being married, should i tell wife?

[Hotconflict]

I became involved with a man recently who presented as fully divorced, single, and showed me 'papers' as proof.
Long story short, I was suspicious, did some digging and discovered he had been married for 16 years. There had been a divorce filed but this had been dismissed.
I also discovered he had a long distance partner. I contacted the LDR, told her about me, that he was married with property etc and provided proof. She thanked me, apologised, said it was terrible and that my information aligned.
A week later she blocked me and is staying with him. She told me she had been with him for over five years and then deleted the message.
I dont believe his wife will find out any other way and the LDR has decided to continue the affair. There are children involved.
Any advice would be appreciated.

Why were they going to divorce in the first place and why didn't they?

it could be the wife that provides the Lion(ess)’s share of his families wealth.
It could be that they tried to work through it
It could be wife also has a boyfriend
It could be the children were at a critical stage of education, or complicated health issues.
I would inform her. He will have bigger fish to fry than coming after you.
& what can he do? You told the truth.
The wife should know.

If they cancelled the divorce he must have convinced her that ‘he is a changed man blah blah’. She is likely very unsettled about trusting him. @Hotconflict, you hold the key and the knowledge which she needs to make informed decisions for herself and her children. Shine a light on the truth for her.

So much of your story sounds like a dating disaster that happened to me 12 years ago (back in 2014).

I also informed the LDR, not the wife. For around 10 days me and the LDR chatted online and swapped notes. The LDR woman was interesting and useful for me as she helped to fill in a lot of gaps that he never would. As she was the "long term" other woman she knew a whole lot more about the man, his wife, his "arrangement" to stay with his wife, and other facts.

1. The man I dated also travelled a lot up and down the UK for work (scaffolder) - he would take high paying contract jobs in different towns and cities. He would stay in hotels (or houses of other ladies he could charm his way into their pants in those other cities).

2. He was based in Liverpool but I met him in Croydon where I was living and working (long term) and he happened to be in Croydon for a few months doing scaffolding.

3. We met via Facebook some Croydon community group chance conversation... he was so slick (charming) that he didn't even use dating sites - he would just chat women up on Facebook or comment on some local area post and then get chatting from there.

4. His Facebook status was separated and he would post things about the sad life of separated Dad's etc. There was no obvious direct connection from his Facebook page to his wife's page (obviously initially i was unaware that the wife existed - believing him to be separated or divorced).

5. When the LDR other woman told me the name of his wife I found his wife's Facebook page and then could see the connection. Although neither of them had "married to ......" on their status, all the family photos were on the wife's page. Family photos of the husband and sons playing rugby, plus family holidays etc.

6. It turned out that the man I was seeing had also nearly gotten divorced about 6 years earlier. The wife had become fed up of his unfaithful ways and had started divorce proceedings. During that time he had moved out of the family home and briefly rented a tiny single man's studio flat for a while.

7. The divorce never got finalised because both he and the wife realised they missed certain home comforts (notice not because they realised they loved each other). He couldn't stand single digs having to cook and clean for himself (and paying for 2 x properties and paying for the kids etc) ..... and his wife realised that she missed her financial meal ticket - and the social cachet of being a family and having the official husband at her side at family events as her husband not as her divorced / separated / stranged ex (just the father of her children).

8. After myself and the LDR other woman chatted online (Facebook messenger) for several days, the LDR initially told me she would break up with him .....but after a while he managed to charm her back round (telling the LDR I was deluded, I was stupid, I was useless in bed, it was only her, only the LDR that he wanted etc) ..... and she also decided to "accept the situation".

9. As far as I can tell both the wife and the LDR had decided to "accept the situation" and turn a blind eye because it suited them to do so. Both of them were fully aware that this man had a woman in every port and would shag anything..... but they both enjoyed the financial comforts that this high earning man brought into their lives (and a little of "love" / physical affection).

There's so many things you mention in your first few posts @Hotconflict that I actually did wonder if it could be the same man. But the man I was dating in 2014 was 56 years old then so would be 68 by now.

in short:
● the wife knows already. She doesn't know who, where and when .... but she knows what he gets up to. She prefers not to know the actual specifics - and of contacted by one of his conquests she is likely to "shoot the messenger" and become angry with you (possibly calling you a liar and deranged etc) .... not because that is what she actually believes, but because anyone who dares to tell the wife upsets the apple cart and breaks her carefully crafted illusion.

P S. Lastly shortly after I stopped dating this Scaffolding Sex Bomb Man in 2014 a film was released called "The Other Woman" starring Cameron Diaz (and others). **

** The Hollywood fictional version of this type of situation is much more comedic and hilarious than actually living thru it.

I would defo tell her. And apologise.

@RavenFinch This is so similar until I saw the age. I thought it was the same person, the nature of work, travel cover, the almost divorce etc.
Men still continue this behaviour into and beyond their mid 50s?
And the LDR also stayed? What is the reasoning behind this? Knowing he is married?

I'm sorry you experienced that, it's good to find out these things so you can leave, but the shock and humiliation when you find out is difficult.

And the LDR stayed? What is the reasoning?

Because she is the chosen one. She is numero uno mistress. She was (in my case) a late 50s single lady with no kids, quite lonely. She liked the attention, she liked the company and sex, and she liked being financially provided for by Mr Sex Bomb Scaffolder.

In fact, the LDR / numero uno mistress possibly has a slightly better deal than the wife as the LDR doesn't have to do his laundry and cleaning. She might cook meals for him now and then, but she doesn't get dumped on with all his laundry and doesn't have to take on the mental load of all the family admin diary tasks which the wife has to do.

And, yes, men (some men) continue this behaviour into their 50s and 60s (possibly even 70s but without the travelling job complication).

@Hotconflict
Anonymous letter would be the way to go. Maybe a MNer will volunteer to mail it for you from their location in the UK.

I'd do it in a heartbeat. Can you imagine his thoughts when such a letter showed up with a USA postmark? 🤯🤯

If you do want to pursue this option I would suggest running the draft wording thru Chat GPT first. Recently Chat GPT has been very helpful to me drafting some other text with much better, kinder, softer wording than I came up with myself.