Affair partner decided to stay despite him being married, should i tell wife?

[Hotconflict]

I became involved with a man recently who presented as fully divorced, single, and showed me 'papers' as proof.
Long story short, I was suspicious, did some digging and discovered he had been married for 16 years. There had been a divorce filed but this had been dismissed.
I also discovered he had a long distance partner. I contacted the LDR, told her about me, that he was married with property etc and provided proof. She thanked me, apologised, said it was terrible and that my information aligned.
A week later she blocked me and is staying with him. She told me she had been with him for over five years and then deleted the message.
I dont believe his wife will find out any other way and the LDR has decided to continue the affair. There are children involved.
Any advice would be appreciated.

From what you have said it sounds like the LDR didn’t know and appreciated you telling her. But then your manipulative and narcissistic ex convinced her of a load of lies. ‘Just married on paper’, ‘divorce was filed but decided to stay legally married for financial reasons’ ‘Ex gf causing problems because she’s jealous’.

Who knows what the full truth is because you won’t get it from him. But it’s not worth your time trying to counter the narrative he is setting. It’s his life. Ultimately it will end in a shit show. He can’t continue with two women forever so he will have to leave one eventually. But I’m sure the LDR will figure it all out eventually.

agree,
leave it alone
dont get involved

If you actually knew the wife I would be more inclined to tell her, but I think in this situation it’s up to the LDR woman or someone in the husband or wife’s life to tell her. It will get back to her eventually if he’s carrying on with several women. Best to stay out of it yourself

Agree. Either they're cowards, have internalised misogyny, or they're cheaters themselves who would hate it if the duped affair partner told their spouse about their shit behaviour.

Betrayed wives especially have a right to know because male cheaters rarely use condoms if they can get away with it and the burden of STIs is MUCH MUCH heavier for women. Women lose FORTY-FOUR times more quality of life years year than men due to chlamydia, gonorrhoea, and trichomoniasis. They could also die from HPV-induced cervical cancer long after their cheating shit H has been thrown out. They could also become infertile. And due to their foul-dicked H, many women suffer for years from recurrent pain, itch, and discomfort due to pelvic inflammatory disease caused by deranged vaginal flora, which drains their mental and physical health.

Cheating is also mental abuse, emotional abuse (most women sense something is off), often financial abuse, and it's sexual abuse: people generally would not consent to have sex if they knew their spouse was fucking someone else.

It's SHIT BEHAVIOUR to not tell the betrayed spouse. Once informed, she can do with that info what she wants.

I agree with this, the only way men will get better is if women stand together and stop their shitty behaviour.

Tell the wife and let her make her own informed choices

Yet here you are...

I agree with this 100% and most of my anger comes from my right of informed consent being deliberately denied to me.
I don't believe his wife would consent to this.

As for the LDR, she was provided with irrefutable evidence that he cheated on her and is cheating with her and now is exercising informed consent to stay with him.

If and only if he told you you were exclusive - if you met through OLD or work I’d make that public via FB groups like ‘Are we dating the same guy?’, telling the office gossip, or whatever spreads news fastest for that particular group. I’d feel justified in telling others I’d been duped and potentially saving them the same experience.

I wouldn’t mention the LDR to anyone else, I see that as not my business. On the fence about telling the wife as you’ve effectively both been cheated on.

Is he actually living with his wife after the failed divorce? Or just with the other woman? Either way you were a victim of his lies.

As I understand it, you were accidentally the "other woman" and then discovered a second person who was also an accidental 'other woman'.

Have you already informed this man's wife about yourself?

He recently purchased a new home with his wife and they are living together.
He does not live with the LDR, sees her every month or two.

I have not told the wife anything and was seeking advice on whether I should.
I told the LDR as I thought she was unaware of the situation and would step away when she knew he was married but she did not.

Why did you tell the LDR before his wife?

His wife very likely knows...

Get screened and move on.
At least you know why hes really like now and know not to waste any more time on him.

@Hotconflict Step away OP, this isn't your circus. You won't get any thanks and will probably end up covered in shit.

If they have previously started and dismissed divorce proceedings, she likely already knows and has decided to stay for her own reasons. You know nothing about her, her life and motivations.
You have already meddled in one relationship and got nowhere. Leave them to it.

For all you know though, they are separated just not divorced yet due to kids? Divorcing before the kids are 16 is expensive so people often just wait. I would tell her you were having an affair with her husband. Broke it off when I found out he was married. He is also with another woman (before or after??) - she can do whatever she wants with the information so can the LDR

@ginasevern This is what I am leaning towards. It is a very messy situation, he appears to be serial liar and these women have invested years with him. As LDR has demonstrated, she is staying regardless and I suspect the wife will too. I do hope justice catches up one day.

@TiredMummma They are 100% married, not separated.
@PersimmonsAreNotTheOnlyFruit I wouldn't say I 'meddled' in a 'relationship' - it is an ongoing affair. And a situation I was deliberately and unknowingly placed in.

Regardless, I am lucky I found out when I did!

I am genuinely surprised how people always take a "not my problem" approach in situations like this. I think it is worth asking yourself @Hotconflict (or anyone) - Would you want to know if you were the wife? Hell, I would absolutely want to know. I don't agree with the "don't get dragged into the drama" angle either - that is just an excuse to relieve yourself from moving your finger if it doesn't directly benefit you. It's not like you would be forced to take part in any bloody conversation between them going forward, or you'd have to find your smartest blazer for any legal drama going forward. If the wife knows - Fair enough, have a good day, It's on her, she does whatever she wants. If she doesn't know, at least she will know the reality of the relationship she's in, that it was opened without her knowing, potentially giving her STDs, not to mention the betrayal - and she can choose her actions accordingly. If it has the potential of helping someone see the truth, I'd do it. Not out of spite, but a sense of right. I'd feel for the wife, she potentially doesn't know.

@exhaustDAD I would absolutely want to know, and in this particular case, fought to know the truth despite his denials.
I will admit I am terrified of being dragged into any legal action, harassment, inflicting distress. I am also aware, that despite being right and having factual evidence, I will be portrayed as obsessed or crazy.
If he is capable of this level of sustained deception, then what would he be capable of when exposed to his wife. I agree his wife has a right to know more than anyone else. Am I the person who should tell her though?

Agree with all of this.

I can understand why many duped OPs don't eventually tell the wife - they are afraid they might get highly aggressive scary blowback from the male cheater, which could put them in physical danger.

But if that's not the case, it's the decent thing to give the betrayed spouse a head's up.

There would be no physical danger but I am genuinely afraid of potential legal consequences, maybe I am being paranoid.

LOL. Am I reading this right? Mistress found a 2nd mistress and is querying if she should take all information to the wife? Run don’t walk from this dumpster fire. Men are so gross…

Back off now as you will look spiteful and like a sore loser.