Affair partner decided to stay despite him being married, should i tell wife?

[Hotconflict]

I became involved with a man recently who presented as fully divorced, single, and showed me 'papers' as proof.
Long story short, I was suspicious, did some digging and discovered he had been married for 16 years. There had been a divorce filed but this had been dismissed.
I also discovered he had a long distance partner. I contacted the LDR, told her about me, that he was married with property etc and provided proof. She thanked me, apologised, said it was terrible and that my information aligned.
A week later she blocked me and is staying with him. She told me she had been with him for over five years and then deleted the message.
I dont believe his wife will find out any other way and the LDR has decided to continue the affair. There are children involved.
Any advice would be appreciated.

Who cares what that cheating freak thinks of OP? And if his wife wants to believe him that OP is crazy or whatever, that's the wife's problem.

You can find a way to let her know anonymously, if that is the main worry.

I wouldn't tell her, as you say she/ they could come after you. She might be as horrible as he is. You don't have any responsibility to her. You won't get any thanks and you'll have exposed yourself as the other woman, damaging your reputation. If you were going to tell her, it should have been at the time you told the other woman. It's odd that you only told her and not the wife.

We shouldn't do what's right out of convenience, or to get thanks in return. I'd just say that much.

I did tell the other woman as she has no financial connection, property or children with this man and I thought she would do the right thing and walk away when told he was married, and then among husband and wife be it. But I probably should have told her, I was afraid of him coming after me and the legal consequences.

@Hotconflict In a legal sense, the truth is an absolute defence against defamation (slander/libel) - and any sort of legal action he would be attempting to take could only exist in a world where you are making things up.

If you're really worried, then don't do it. You know him better than us, you should listen to what your gut is telling you.

Your only concern is whether you stay with him or not, you've made that decision so now just get on with your life.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta
It seems I didn't know this man at all!
I just don't know what way this could blow up for me.

@exhaustDAD yes, it is all 100% true.
I did send the other woman undeniable proof, and as I said, she thanked me, apologised, she said he lied - and then she blocked me a week later.
I don't know whether to take that as a warning sign as regards to the wife.

I am completely free of the situation. I was just shocked LDR has remained and the affair will seemingly continue for possibly five more years and the wife will never know.
And as others have pointed out, it does make me look spiteful, even though I ended it, but it looks like - well it didn't work on the LDR, so now I'm going for his wife.

If the LDR is still with him, she probably told him that you contacted her, right? Did he say or do anything after that?

I don't believe in the universe sending all sorts of warnings to anyone, @Hotconflict . The two women are two separate people, and just because the acted a certain way, it doesn't mean the other would do the same.

No, he cant contact me as I blocked and deleted him everywhere.
The worry I have, maybe irrationally, is would he instruct a solicitor or whatever to try and intimidate me, trace my account etc.
If i contacted the AP, would contacting the wife be a course of conduct constituting harassment?

If this man works away from home a large proportion of the time, my guess is, you and the OW aren't the only ones! As my Mum would say, 'he has a woman in every port'!! In other words, if he visits multiple areas, it's likely he has a woman in each!! He then spends time with each of them, when he visits the area and then goes back home to his wife and children.

He won't be the first man to use working away, as an excuse to shag another woman/women, and he won't be the last. If a divorce was logged and then dismissed, it suggests his marriage isn't in a very good place. Perhaps he got caught before, and his wife filed for divorce but he talked her around.

I do understand why you want to tell his wife. It depends if there's likely to be any fall-out for you, if he should find out it was you, who told his wife. Does he know where you live/work? If not, then you have nothing to lose in telling her. If he knows your address/where you work, I'd be more wary.

I just wondered if the wife had a right to know…

@Hotconflict, of course she has a right to know the truth … just as you did. She deserves to know that he is stealing her agency/consent and risking her health … just as you did.

You say, ’I am lucky I found out when I did!’, yet you are contemplating leaving his Wife in the dark. Please inform her, @Hotconflict.

THIS. Very strong point.

You have to be careful. A friend of mine told the wife about their affair and he made my friends life a misery for 2 years. He stalked her, damaged her car/house. She wished that she had just walked away without saying anything.

Tell her. Then walk away.

"If this man works away from home a large proportion of the time, my guess is, you and the OW aren't the only ones! As my Mum would say, 'he has a woman in every port'!! In other words, if he visits multiple areas, it's likely he has a woman in each!! He then spends time with each of them, when he visits the area and then goes back home to his wife and children.
He won't be the first man to use working away, as an excuse to shag another woman/women, and he won't be the last. If a divorce was logged and then dismissed, it suggests his marriage isn't in a very good place. Perhaps he got caught before, and his wife filed for divorce but he talked her around."

Agree with this. This man probably (1) has plenty of OWs/options so he won't be too desperate (and vindictive) when his marriage collapses, and (2) he knows deep down it's only a matter of time before another of his duped victims comes forward, so he won't be too surprised if OP does it.

OP, what about if you tell her anonymously that he tricked you into an affair and that you know for sure that you're not the only one?

I agree. Be calm, factual, show evidence, don't get nasty or snarky, just tell her and then move on. Maybe do it by post rather than virtually, then it’s literally in black and white.

Cuckolded wives/partners have a right to know, it’s awful to find out that people knew you were being cheated on but didn’t have the decency to tell you.

@Hotconflict

I agree w/PPs that the wife deserves to know. You say you have proof of the LTR. What proof (if any) do you have of yours? Because just messaging her without proof will give him the chance to lie his way out. Send proof if you have it.

I don't think contacting his wife ONCE with factual information constitutes 'harassment' especially given the circumstances. If you were to contact her over and over that may be a line crossed, but I'm sure you won't be doing that.

Bottom line, it's your decision. But I know what I'd do.

I would personally present the wife with all the information. He is putting her health at risk so she deserves to know, as many STIs do not show symptoms in women. Why should she or her children pay the price for him not being able to be faithful. She probably won't thank you in the moment but in the longer term you are doing her a favour.

I can't believe all the women that say keep out of it. If you found out your partner of husband was having an affair surely the first thing you would do is a health check up.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta
How would I do this anonymously? He would obviously know it was me. I did use an anon account to tell the LDR but he would know it was me.

I had no idea about the LDR and I believed him when he told me he was divorced. A few months in, my gut was telling me something wasn't right and it was much worse than I imagined.

I wasn't with him that long so it's easy for me to walk away from him. But knowing there is a five year affair that is still continuing behind this woman's back isn't sitting well

Post, if you know his address. She will know its you if you have a text exchange with the OW. Throwaway email account if you don't - but it may go to her spam folder.

Is he active on dating apps? Screenshot those too.

I would print everything out and post it to her. Anonymous, clear, simple. If you use email or text of any kind you might get drawn into a back and forth and you don’t want that. Post it and walk away.