Affair partner decided to stay despite him being married, should i tell wife?

[Hotconflict]

I became involved with a man recently who presented as fully divorced, single, and showed me 'papers' as proof.
Long story short, I was suspicious, did some digging and discovered he had been married for 16 years. There had been a divorce filed but this had been dismissed.
I also discovered he had a long distance partner. I contacted the LDR, told her about me, that he was married with property etc and provided proof. She thanked me, apologised, said it was terrible and that my information aligned.
A week later she blocked me and is staying with him. She told me she had been with him for over five years and then deleted the message.
I dont believe his wife will find out any other way and the LDR has decided to continue the affair. There are children involved.
Any advice would be appreciated.

"He would obviously know it was me."

Not necessarily. PP's point was that he's the type to have a "girl in every port", so it could be any one of the other OWs who realised she was tricked by him and told his wife.

I don’t understand why when you were telling people about him you chose to tell the other woman and not his wife tbh. So that makes me think you’re not that bothered about her knowing the truth and having the right to make her own decisions and having her best interests at heart. Rather you just don’t want to see it work out well for him. If you cared about her known you’d have told her originally.

you also need to consider if he will retaliate or is any sort of danger to you.

I personally would stay out of it but I would prefer if I was the wife that someone told me, as hypocritical as that is. If you do tell her you need to make it concrete proof so he can’t wriggle out of it. Dates times locations, be specific. Just ‘your husband is having an affair’ is useless to her, as is anything he can say was in the past and is over now.

We are in different areas and the royal mail postal stamp would give away my location so if he saw mail addressed to his wife from my location i assume he would know it was me. He will know it is me anyway whatever method I use. At the moment, I know he is relying on my silence and he doesn't think I will contact his wife. So, he essentially knows he is getting away with it.

Just wait till you are ‘out of area’ and post.

@Uvorange I do understand this. I question it too. I felt the wife was a more dangerous option. Maybe it was the safer option for me as the LDR had no shared mortgage, finances, children etc.
I really believed, despite the five years, she would walk away and maybe she would be the one to tell his wife.
You are right to question this. Perhaps it was a cowardly option for me and I have reservations about how he could 'come after me'.

back off. Run basically

Do you know the area the other woman lives in? Give it a couple of months, wait until someone is in that area and and post it from there.

You're obviously afraid of him. Is he a bullying type? Did you ever say no to him (apart from ending the affair)? How did he react?

It's not that I am afraid, maybe paranoid more. But I clearly didn't know what this man was and is capable of, and if it is his marriage and children under threat by this information, perhaps he would act differently.
When he knew I had found out everything, he attempted to delete his messages, photos, voicenotes, videos etc but I had already saved everything.

His wife already knows he's a faithless sod. Most cheaters are stupid opportunists, reckless chancers who think they'll never get caught. In a way, the thrill of not getting caught is part of why they cheat. Most aren't psychos who will relentlessly hunt down the latest woman who exposed their cheating ways to their wife.

But if you're really afraid of him, you shouldn't do it, or you should do it anonymously so that you have plausible deniability if he tries to threaten you with legal action (not that he'll have a leg to stand on).

Just walk away and be glad you found out in time to save yourself.

You can make up reasons why you 'ought' to tell the wife but really it's just to channel your anger and it won't help you feel better.

It will just give you more worries. And keep you hooked in. He's already taking up too much head space for you to be angsting over this.

Walk away, face in the other direction, shake him off, don't look back and don't set anything running that will come after you. Look after yourself.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta
Yes anonymous would be the way but I am sure he would know it was me. I suppose he would have to prove it and that would expose his affair and goodness knows what else.

He did trip himself with the LDR, he said he had no idea who I was but referred to a friend and the LDR put two and two together and admitted he had lied. So he isn't a genius. He relies on point blank denial and distance and the worlds never colliding.

Obviously he will know it is you.

Get an STD check and move on with your life. By telling his wife, you’re continuing to roll in the mud with this pig. You’re much better off staying as far away from this mess as possible.

@MmeWorthington yes, i don't want anything like this to be done out of anger and spite.
I really feel bad for the wife but I was involved for less than a year, the LDR has been with him for five and I keep thinking maybe the onus would be on her to tell?
But since she is sticking with him, that won't happen.
And, as you say, it will keep me hooked in and anxious.

He recently purchased a new home with his wife and they are living together.
He does not live with the LDR, sees her every month or two.
...

They are 100% married, not separated.

...

I was just shocked LDR has remained and the affair will seemingly continue for possibly five more years and the wife will never know.

Out of curiosity, how do you know all these?

And as others have pointed out, it does make me look spiteful, even though I ended it, but it looks like - well it didn't work on the LDR, so now I'm going for his wife.

It does but if it truly isn't the case, then that shouldn't matter.

The worry I have, maybe irrationally, is would he instruct a solicitor or whatever to try and intimidate me, trace my account etc.
If i contacted the AP, would contacting the wife be a course of conduct constituting harassment?

I don't think he'll have a leg to stand on, do you? What would be his case? You haven't harassed him so he'll have to prove that he has a reason to instruct anyone to do anything like that. Tracing your account mean hacking - ethical or illegally.

This wouldn't be an issue here. It's more online I would be worried about.

How do you know he isn't capable of physical violence or dangerous revenge?

I don't know if he is capable of dangerous revenge or not.

The way I found out is too outing but he confirmed the house purchase and that the wife lived there.
The LDR also confirmed the timeline.
Everything is true.

Why do you think she does? I had no idea. Apparently everyone else knew but didn't want to get involved so didn't bother to tell me. That was pretty horrible to find out. My 'D'H's job involved extensive travel too. That's how they can get away with it without it being obvious.

Tell her. If she knows, then you've told her nothing new, and if she doesn't then at least she has clarity to make her own decisions.

Why does she need self respect. She had every reason to believe he was divorced. She’s not seeing him now she knows. So now we are blaming women when men lie and show evidence if there divorce?

it’s always the woman’s fault in your eyes huh?

It’s always people who struggle with being single that bang on about how great it is to be single. And it’s always women who believe everything a man tells her and demonises women that bang on about girl power. The rest of us just get on with things.

Thank you @bumptybum This man deliberately and repeatedly lied to me and would have continued to do so had I not taken the initiative to find out the truth.
In hindsight, I shouldn't have got involved in the first place but what else could I have done?

I also thought that quote was strange given the situation she is staying in with awareness

Are you the person that used online photos to discover the cheating?

I really would leave well alone. A few years ago I’d met a man who was not very nice and also not very moral and I found a friend of his here funnily enough. We exchanged emails and texts about him and I taunted him with this. Sadly he then ended up emailing colleagues of mine where I worked (luckily I was leaving there) but it was really upsetting and I wish I’d never poked the bear as it were.

Luckily after this he left me alone and is now married and moved to his home country.

Was it supposed to mean she's happy you told her (women supporting women) or you ruined her relationship by telling her (so, women not supporting women)?

I'd think it should be the former. Would be very odd to be the latter.

I’d tell her. If you were her you’d want to know for a million different reasons. She deserves to know.