Anyone been cheated on and just actually, fully healed?

[AnneHongKong]

Hi, a bit of background:
I have 2 kids 4 and 2 yo. Been married for 10 years, living abroad away from family (not that close to my family back home anyway).

When my first child was 2 months old I found out my husband cheated. Won't go into details but I found messages on his phone. He still hasn't fully admitted to it.
This was almost 5 years ago and we've had another baby since.

He moved out the house for a month, but eventually, with a new baby (and no family support) I let him move back in. To be honest it was 90% because of our baby and I knew I couldnt do it alone.
Long story short, there was a lot of apologies on his part,a lot of promises and I was just so exhausted and emotional I just gave in and let him come back.

He went to one counselling session and he pushed for couples counseling, which we actually never found time for. Now we have 2 small kids and both working full time, its never going to happen.

All in all he's an excellent father. I can't deny that.
He pretty much pays for everything (mortgage, bills, etc) and my salary is for kids fun activities. Although I would be able to get by as a single parent, I have no issue downsizing and can totally manage, this is not about me wanting to keep some glamorous lifestyle (I wish haha). We have a good life together overall and we do get along well...we just NEVER talk about what happened...except for when we argue. I can't help but bring up the fact that he did the worst thing he could have done to me at the most vulnerable time of my life. I just still cant
get over it. I will have a few months where I don't think about it a lot, but when he p*sses me off, it just all comes back.
I know the ideal solution is something like loads of individual counselling then couples counseling, but in reality, we are both working, have small kids, with no family around. Even if we did find time I'm just so exhausted for all that. Not the best solution..but it is what it is.

So my question really is, will I ever be able to move on? Is been almost 5 years already. Has anyone been through this and eventually been pretty okay? I just don't ever see it happening and it crushes me.
Everyone I read about or talk to ends up separating eventually.is it inevitable?

Has he still not actually admitted it, even in the one counselling session you did, I would really struggle if he hasn’t and the fact that you bring it up when you argue, probably means you haven’t received the explanation you need.

I have 2 close friends, whose DH’s had affairs and both took them back. One, on the outside looks happy, recently celebrated a big anniversary with a party, which everyone thought was a bit strange considering we all knew of the affair, DH and I have never liked him, the DH is still trying to make it up to her, some 10 years later, books trips to places she wants to see, she says she’s happy. The other friend went all out to get him back and she did, they are still together and now in their 60’s, she’s virtually forgotten about it and it’s never mentioned.

Couples counselling xx

I think you won't get over it until you actually address it properly, even then I think it's hard. If you really want to deal with it, you'll have to both put the effort into doing the hard work of confronting it, otherwise it will always be the elephant in the room that comes out when you argue. You say you're too exhausted but actually the effort it takes to carry on as if nothing has happened is exhausting in itself. You need to make the time for couples counselling, even if it's done remotely online when the kids are in bed?

I know you say you don't have time for it but you need to attend couples counselling. What are we talking 1-2 hours, once a week? Surely there must be someway you can arrange to attend this as you need to make this a priority. Do you have friends who can look after the kids while you attend? A childminder?

I know you say you are too exhausted for it but this won't go away without confronting it so the only way to stop this is to pull the plaster off and go through this to come out the other side.

You need to talk this through, together, address it and confront it. Ask the questions you want to ask, which I imagine will be 'why?' Tell him how it has made you feel. Don't bury your heads in the sand. It will be painful but it seems necessary for you to be able to move on from it it, if that is what you really want to do.

I think that once its been dealt with and if you decide to forgive and move on then you must do just that. Bringing it up when you argue or going back over it is unhealthy and you will never be able to move on from this.

I have known couples go through this and come out the other side and actually have better and stronger marriages after so it can be done and it is achievable.

Never healed, it never goes away.

The damage cheating causes, the trust that it breaks they can never be undone @AnneHongKong . Some people for one reason or another decide to stay after being cheated on - It puzzles me how, I would have more self-respect than staying, whether the reason is convenience, financial reasons or kids, staying together will never ever make the damage go away, or mend what has been broken. You can decide to put it past you, force yourself to, make yourself try and be ok with it, but the other person DECIDED to betray your trust, to open up your relationship without your consent. That thing does not go away. I would advise against it, get out and start a new life, better to be on your own, or the right person without being in a relationship with the wrong person.

No, I made him leave and then I moved on with my life and met someone new. Life is a million times better now.

It never went away. And we tried for years. When you think it’s gone something will happen out of the blue to remind you. It doesn’t hurt like it did, but it means that the trust never recovers. It just reminds you that they weren’t committed to the relationship in the same way you were.

It affects your whole life going forward. You can't even buy a flipping Christmas card without almost throwing up at the words in it. Everything is tainted. I understand why you might want to salvage it as your children are so young but the fact that he hasn't talked about it is an issue. Mind you do you want to hear the details? The things they said? What they did? Try to tie up what you were doing at the time they were doing all of this? Do you want to hear the reasons? I felt valued / desired/ wanted by her and it was such a rush 🤷‍♀️

You did what you needed to do to survive when the kids were little. Now you’ve got some more headspace to tackle it. You can do counselling in the evenings when kids are asleep via zoom? Perhaps you are both avoiding it in case you can’t cope with what comes up? But it might be massively helpful. You need to deal with it before the kids are older and become aware of tensions/arguments

I had a similar situation to you many years ago, OP. I had just given birth and discovered my ex had been cheating with a lovely 'friend' of mine. To be honest, he was pretty abusive anyway and I couldn't stand him after the affair. Took me years to leave because I felt I had to keep everything together for the children. But it was uplifting to be free of him when we eventually split.

Do online couples counselling. Make time

I’ve heard cheating described like a crack in fine china. You can glue it back together, but the crack never truly disappears. It remains, a quiet reminder that something once whole has been broken.

You will never fully heal and be back to what you were before, that is gone forever. You might be able to learn to live with it, but not without both of you doing the work to process what happened. Where you are now is no man’s land - it’s been swept under the carpet. You can’t go on living like that, it’s a cancer at the heart of your relationship and it will just keep eating away at you.

3 years on, still together.
I cant forget. I have a 50/50 relationships & loads more time (now he is finally pulling his weight)
I have managed to rebuild myself, lost weight healthier, new job happer & stronger mentally & physically.
We have fun, good sex ect. I see him being a better man, constantly trying.
But because I found the messages & i confronted him, i was the one who told her no more contact
rather than him coming to me & blocking her. I will never truly, fully trust him.
I considered him my best friend & he broke me.

I am strong enough to walk away & if I do he won't find me.

Can i ask why you stayed and do you think about walking away ?

You both need to face it and he needs to admit it. Only at that point, or after that, will you know.

You could have online therapy together when the kids are in bed so having small kids isn't a reason.

As for whether it's possible, I dont know.
My ex was never faithful to me in alm9st 2 decades together but I didnt know until well after he left - just one woman. They usually only admit to the bare minimum I'm afraid.

Good luck with things.

So sorry @CoachNot that he chose to betray you like that. A relationship like that must be so soul-drenching to continue...

@AnneHongKong My wife's affair was 16 years ago and I haven't healed, but I do believe I (we) could have done if I (we) had done things differently.

When I found out about the affair, the principle I followed is that decent people make mistakes, or do 'wrong' things, whichever way you prefer to look at it, and I still believe that. I love my wife deeply and I know she feels the same about me. I also know that people are complicated; sometimes they're damaged, sometimes they deny their true nature, sometimes they don't even understand their own true nature. Then, add to that, our reluctance, or even inability, to be totally honest about ourselves, particularly regarding issues around sex, and we become susceptible to affairs.

As Kierkegaard said, "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Actually, (as the internet has just taught me) he said a bit more than this. With this in mind, I know what I should have done after the affair: essentially, talk. Communicate and don't stop. You may have held things back before the affair but now that isn't an option. Your partner is a flawed human being: this doesn't mean they forget to put the lid on the toothpaste or the toilet seat down, it refers to flaws much more significant than that, that they almost certainly will have hidden from you - because, otherwise, you'd never had married them! And, whilst the affair was their responsibility only, you're flawed too, in different ways.

In my case, life got in the way before the affair - I had two young children from a previous relationship, we both had jobs, all the usual stuff - and, after the affair, we brushed it all under the carpet, which was a big mistake: understanding life backwards, I know that now!

It's never too late to start that conversation, but it has to be done. Yes, you're busy - but do you watch shit on TV that you're not really interested in? Use that time. If you separate, you'll know you did your best, and you can leave at any time and for any (or no) reason.

30yrs together, kids, my home, pension, our huge shared history. The turmoil and efford of breaking everything up is just not worth my energy. I love him its just not the same.

I have divorced friends & for some of them their finances are horrific, they are online dating & it sounds awful & their relationship with ther ex is bitter.

The grass isn't always greener, yes I could walk away into a beautiful relationship dosent mean I won't get cheated on again.
Im not unhappy, I i used to see him as my big love who had my back and i trusted him with everything - that is now lost.

It could be a a lot worse, I dont want to be alone & I see him trying every day.

Walking away i dream about every week. I think i am peri meno or depressed. A passport a backpack and walking away from it all. & then I pull myself together. I think a lot of women think about running away.

It's 3 years on for me and I am happy we are still together.
However, there is always the "before" and "after". I accept what's happened and rarely think of it.
We'd been together 30 years and I wasnt prepared to throw that away.

But..Counselling is needed and you really need to make time for it.

I am part of a healing after infidelity community and we like to think of it like kintsugi. Repairing with gold to make something even more beautiful than before to honour there was a crack but the gold (hardwork and healing) has made it stronger.

I love this. Build back stronger.

Fully healed… meh possibly not. But have I accepted, moved on and have a happy relationship absolutely yes. I do trust him as much as I trust anyone now, you become a realist.

It took time, it took commitment on both sides, it took some major changes on his but I’m glad we reconciled. I’ve just been watching my kids playing with their dad in the garden and I’d rather have those moments and create these memories, when we’re all together than not.

His affair fundamentally changed me though, I’m a pragmatist rather than a romantic, I no longer spend my time trying to please him and weirdly I'm stronger in what I will tolerate in our relationship.

And yep I remember reading about kintsugi at the time and it’s a strong metaphor for rebuilding.

I did what ultimately made me happiest and I’m glad I did.