Anyone been cheated on and just actually, fully healed?

[AnneHongKong]

Hi, a bit of background:
I have 2 kids 4 and 2 yo. Been married for 10 years, living abroad away from family (not that close to my family back home anyway).

When my first child was 2 months old I found out my husband cheated. Won't go into details but I found messages on his phone. He still hasn't fully admitted to it.
This was almost 5 years ago and we've had another baby since.

He moved out the house for a month, but eventually, with a new baby (and no family support) I let him move back in. To be honest it was 90% because of our baby and I knew I couldnt do it alone.
Long story short, there was a lot of apologies on his part,a lot of promises and I was just so exhausted and emotional I just gave in and let him come back.

He went to one counselling session and he pushed for couples counseling, which we actually never found time for. Now we have 2 small kids and both working full time, its never going to happen.

All in all he's an excellent father. I can't deny that.
He pretty much pays for everything (mortgage, bills, etc) and my salary is for kids fun activities. Although I would be able to get by as a single parent, I have no issue downsizing and can totally manage, this is not about me wanting to keep some glamorous lifestyle (I wish haha). We have a good life together overall and we do get along well...we just NEVER talk about what happened...except for when we argue. I can't help but bring up the fact that he did the worst thing he could have done to me at the most vulnerable time of my life. I just still cant
get over it. I will have a few months where I don't think about it a lot, but when he p*sses me off, it just all comes back.
I know the ideal solution is something like loads of individual counselling then couples counseling, but in reality, we are both working, have small kids, with no family around. Even if we did find time I'm just so exhausted for all that. Not the best solution..but it is what it is.

So my question really is, will I ever be able to move on? Is been almost 5 years already. Has anyone been through this and eventually been pretty okay? I just don't ever see it happening and it crushes me.
Everyone I read about or talk to ends up separating eventually.is it inevitable?

@MightyGoldBear I assume you mean an online community - is it Surviving Infidelity, or perhaps one I'm not aware of? I'd love to know.

@Sunshinemoonlightboogie Judging by other post-infidelity stories I've read, what you describe is about as good as it gets. I'd say - and excuse me if this sounds like a trite platitude - you've both lost something and gained something.

Honestly? I don’t think you will ever heal.
I tried to make my marriage work but couldn’t and we split.
6 years later and I’m with someone that makes me happy. But I’m still not healed.
It’s the most traumatic thing I’ve been through and I have accepted that I won’t ever heal completely from the damage that the hurt and pain did.

I could have written this.

I’d agree, it’s strange but tbh I’m glad he’s off the pedestal I had him on! It woke me up to my own value in the relationship. I saw him as my saviour prior to his affair, the man who’d rescued me from singledom and given me my much wanted children; I now see him as a flawed human being who I have a solid relationship with and who works well alongside me to raise our family, he’s hands on, loving, kind and present. People might not like my choice but it was my choice to make, and in the same circumstances I’d make that choice again. It did surprise me as in my younger days if I was cheated on the boyfriend didn’t see me for dust. But my perspective shifted when my children came along.

With all due respect and kindness, the point of kintsugi is to use the gold to highlight the cracks, with the philosophy being that the newly formed pottery is even more special and valuable. I am not sure any of you (who have gone through being cheated on, and decided to stay anyway) would honestly say "Yup, I am glad you were unfaithful to me. I am glad it happened, and I would rather take what have now rather than being with a faithful version of you". Don't tell me if you had a choice you wouldn't change it happening in the past if you could. Whatever brings you some form of peace, but the metaphor is just not really solid.

We tried for several years when the kids were much younger. Although it wasn't awful & we had some good times, were still intimate etc, I never felt truly comfortable with him and like I could properly depend on him because of, as you say, the fact that he had betrayed me when I was at my most vulnerable.

And actually I realise now that deep down I didn't & couldn't see him as a "good dad" because I knew that he had put the kids' happiness and stability at risk for his own desires.

I think it's interesting that your H doesn't want the counselling and you haven't discussed his cheating.
We were the same but when things became difficult years later we did go to counselling & the truth came out - it turned out his affair had lasted way longer than he had admitted at the time.
I realised then why he hadn't discussed it or wanted to unpick it - because he knew I would have left & he wouldn't get to see his kids every day.
He also later still admitted he had had other affairs too.

Only you can decide if you can still trust him, if he is doing enough to make you feel less vulnerable and if it's worth staying.

But definitely think long and hard about the effort he is putting in.
And make sure you can survive without him and aren't dependent on him just in case.

@exhaustDAD "Don't tell me if you had a choice you wouldn't change it happening in the past if you could."

But you CAN'T. The past cannot be changed. You don't have a choice regarding the past. You have a choice about the present and the future.

If someone's partner had been unfaithful yesterday and they asked me for advice, I'd say, "Don't rush, but definitely seriously consider ending the relationship." That said: regarding romantic relationships, we're sold a complete lie. We're sold the idea that we'll find someone unblemished by life and compatible with us and our many foibles and this simply isn't true. The illusion can last a while; in some rare cases, a lifetime. In many cases, however, the illusion is shattered and what's left is reality (or something close to it.)

The idea of changing the past allows us to wallow in false comfort, and avoid facing the future.

Exactly my point @LochSunart . The choice itself. The past cannot be changed. There was a conscious choice to betray something, knowing full well what it means damage-wise. There is no excuse of that. And now you, the one who has been cheated on has to get he mental training and the sessions and finding outlets of coping with a shattered sense of trust? The choice was not yours when the partner cheated. I think the least is to take control of what is left, and leave mental torture behind.
"We're sold the idea that we'll find someone unblemished by life and compatible with us and our many foibles" - This has nothing to do with the fact that for whatever reason one half of the couple decided that their urges will be priority number one, regardless of the pain it would cause, regardless of their own backbone or sense of right. I don't know who sold you the above line about love or marriage, but maybe in a disney movie it would stand. The only lie that was sold were done so by the cheater who said they were at the gym, or at a dinner with friends after they came home to the unsuspecting spouse. Otherwise I think everyone with the right amount of maturity knows that nobody is "unblemished by life", we all have our faults, but being in a dedicated relationship means that you both uphold the rules of the relationship. That is all. No fairytale needed.

Yes I have been through so much. Cheating, gambling addictions (not me but him) and divorce. After that 2 more awful relationships. It affected me so much I had to urgently put my mental health first. I focussed on my children, I have 4. A mix of teens and adults, all still living at home. I also bought a puppy to help me and she ended up helping all of us so much.

I didn't have therapy but I stayed single and self counseled myself. Now I have developed a type of 'fear' of relationships, even if I like the person who asks for my number or whatever, its always a no from me. The reason is because I have got used to a peaceful life. And when I'm in a relationship it has only ever given me stress, and trauma... Becos of their toxic behaviors..

I choose to protect my peace. Life is so happy for me and my children and our pets. Good Luck to you and anyone else going through a painful breakup. Ive been through so many painful breakups im grateful im still here alive.

OP what level of cheating are we talking about? An emotional affair? Sexting? A one off shag? An ongoing physical affair?

I think what you can get past is different depending on the extent of the cheating and deceit tbh

I could also have written it - you may still be there in presence but emotionally it’s more of a 70% and with reservations rather than a100% with no reservations. As I said to him at the time, it snuffs the candle of ‘specialness’ out - doesn’t mean you necessarily hate them or don’t care but you care that little bit less - what does annoy me though is the expectation that if you decide to stay I do feel there’s an expectation you will feel 100% the same way about them - nope, I’m sorry but in my experience you don’t

I know one couple where they did fully move on but it was discovered and addressed long before they had kids and he committed fully - he had already ended the brief affair when it was discovered.

Yes, mine cheated on me way before our kids were born before we were properly together as in living together, I forgave and I haven’t really given it much thought since, been together 18 years now.

Cheating isn't something you can 'fully heal' in a relationship, I don't think. You're never going to get to a point where it didn't happen, so you're never going to reach a point where your relationship is exactly the same as it was before it happened.

It's a shit analogy but if you've got a broken plate, you can repair the plate but it will always have been broken and been repaired. In this case, to get to 'repaired', rather than unbroken, the absolute bare minimum is him admitting to it fully. Probably some counselling together. And you need to be able to reach a point where you can look at it and say, "okay that happened but I am happy with the relationship as it is now, with that a fact of our history, and I trust it won't happen again". IMO most people can't get to that point. And it takes difficult work on your part, probably more so than his: he has to admit what he did wrong and take full responsibility for it - but you have to accept the apology and then let the hurt go, not bring it up again, not make it a thing you come back to all the time. That's a lot harder.

Of course, you can also make a choice - accept that you won't be able to get to a point where you let it go, maybe accept that you can't trust him, and decide to stay anyway. I think more people end up here - a kind of weighing-up the benefits and drawbacks of the relationship and deciding, this can never become something I'll be able to let go of properly, but on balance I want to stay in the relationship anyway. And he can weigh it up and decide whether or not he's happy to stay, on balance, with someone who will always throw it back in his face forever more (don't get me wrong, I don't blame you! But there will come a time, if it hasn't already, where he will start thinking god I thought we were past this.) Might work for 5 or 10 or 15 or 20 more years. Might work forever, even! But also might end up corroding your sense of self-esteem or trust or happiness and might corrode the parts of your relationship that are good and mean there's not much left to save.

I think people CAN get past it properly and healthily, but you have to be able to separate that someone can love you and do something awful, and then let it go. It's really hard to do that when he never even properly admitted it: how can you trust an apology or a thousand apologies if he won't even be honest?

Hello again 👋

I can attest that you are wrong.

Futile I know, since your belief is pretty unshakeable that you know better about other people’s inner states than they themselves do.

Heigh ho.

You can’t love someone and cheat on them - it’s what people tell themselves to justify staying with cheaters.
If you think otherwise you misunderstand what true genuine love actually is. When you genuinely love someone it is impossible to do that to them without destroying yourself.
you can properly heal from cheating - when you leave and keep your self esteem and self respect in tact.

I agree. You don't do that to someone you love.
I stayed because I still loved him & it took me a long time , years in fact, to realise that he just didn't love me or respect me in the same way.

Now we aren't together we are able to co-parent well and get on OK. It's much more peaceful & the anger is gone.
I will never fully forgive him for treating me the way he did but as we are not in a relationship now that doesn't matter. I accept him as a good co-parent.

Understandable - and I think it’s the trying to get around the cognitive dissonance of ‘he loves me still’ and ‘he cheated on me’ that keeps many people trapped for years. Because the truth is painful.
I’m glad you found a way to move forward as you deserve better.

Naturally, haha. But since I am wrong again, I have to ask - Is your argument today that there would be people who got cheated on and they would say:
"Yup, I am glad you were unfaithful to me. I am glad it happened, and I would rather take what have now rather than being with a faithful version of you".

Are you saying that exists?

I don't personally think that's always true. Your post makes it sound as though love is one fixed, definable state: in love, or not in love. When actually everyone has a different personal interpretation of love, and indeed cheating, and what's true for one person isn't true for another. I don't think it's helpful to say 'you can only love someone if you would not be able to hurt them' - is that still true if one person privately believes going for a drink with a friend is cheating and the other person does that and then they get told they 'don't love' their partner? We only think about romantic love this way, so black and white and immovable. I've never cheated but loads of us will have said or done something hurtful to their parents or siblings or friends but understand that love and the choices you make are different things and not always aligned.

Cheating is cruel and hurtful and selfish and I'm not justifying it, but I don't think it's helpful to say that you can't love someone and hurt them. Life's not that black and white and 'love' is an emotion. A relationship is a series of choices, and OP's husband made a shitty, cruel one (and indeed OP has her own choices she can make about what to do with it). But you can't decide for him how he feels about her, nor do I think it's particularly kind or useful to OP to tell her that he's never genuinely loved her or he wouldn't be capable of this. It makes it sound as though she wasn't able to inspire this mythical, indefinable fixed state of emotion in him rather than the more boring, complex truth which is that people can do horrible things and make awful choices and your only option is to decide what choice you make in response.

There is no version of love that involves hurting, betraying, disrespecting and potentially exposing someone to physical risk and disease.
I’m sorry that sounds harsh but the truth often is. As I said, people will do everything they possibly can to tell themselves otherwise because it serves them in some way. It’s understandable but actually in the long run it doesn’t help anyone at all.
you might be attached to someone and love the life you have or the benefits they bring or a host of other ‘reasons’ but it is not genuine love.

I think respect is more the thing with cheating than love tbh.

Whatever one's thoughts are about love, I definitely think that you can't fully respect someone and cheat on them.

I don't agree there's such a fixed definition of love that only applies to romantic love (because I think most people know you can be cruel or hurtful to your family etc on occasion without stopping loving them, for example)! But you're obviously entitled to your opinion.

Oh I absolutely agree with that. And I personally wouldn't stay in a relationship where I didn't feel respected. I don't think love conquers all, because love is just a feeling and the actions and choices matter more - but I do think so many cheaters are shocked and irritated by the consequences of their actions because they DO love the person they cheated on, and they use that as a kind of justification to themselves for the action, rather than seeing them as different things. The emotion =/= the behaviour. I wasn't saying what I said to justify cheaters, but I do think that the love can still be there and if the behaviour can actually change* and trust restored, it's possible to get past it.

*rare but possible!