Anyone been cheated on and just actually, fully healed?

[AnneHongKong]

Hi, a bit of background:
I have 2 kids 4 and 2 yo. Been married for 10 years, living abroad away from family (not that close to my family back home anyway).

When my first child was 2 months old I found out my husband cheated. Won't go into details but I found messages on his phone. He still hasn't fully admitted to it.
This was almost 5 years ago and we've had another baby since.

He moved out the house for a month, but eventually, with a new baby (and no family support) I let him move back in. To be honest it was 90% because of our baby and I knew I couldnt do it alone.
Long story short, there was a lot of apologies on his part,a lot of promises and I was just so exhausted and emotional I just gave in and let him come back.

He went to one counselling session and he pushed for couples counseling, which we actually never found time for. Now we have 2 small kids and both working full time, its never going to happen.

All in all he's an excellent father. I can't deny that.
He pretty much pays for everything (mortgage, bills, etc) and my salary is for kids fun activities. Although I would be able to get by as a single parent, I have no issue downsizing and can totally manage, this is not about me wanting to keep some glamorous lifestyle (I wish haha). We have a good life together overall and we do get along well...we just NEVER talk about what happened...except for when we argue. I can't help but bring up the fact that he did the worst thing he could have done to me at the most vulnerable time of my life. I just still cant
get over it. I will have a few months where I don't think about it a lot, but when he p*sses me off, it just all comes back.
I know the ideal solution is something like loads of individual counselling then couples counseling, but in reality, we are both working, have small kids, with no family around. Even if we did find time I'm just so exhausted for all that. Not the best solution..but it is what it is.

So my question really is, will I ever be able to move on? Is been almost 5 years already. Has anyone been through this and eventually been pretty okay? I just don't ever see it happening and it crushes me.
Everyone I read about or talk to ends up separating eventually.is it inevitable?

One person's cynicism is another person's realism.

But as another poster has just pointed out, there's a huge difference between a drunken one-night stand and a prolonged affaire d'amour; both can be described as "cheating", but one can occur without lying.

It depends. One couple I knew who were having an affair at work, the husband had children but affair partner (also married) didn’t. The husband’s wife’s mental health was apparently very bad, unsure how the marriage recovered. Affair partner divorced her husband and remarried. Whether her new husband knows about what happened before I don’t know but they seem happy and have two children.

There is a difference yes.
A prolonged affair requires a mindset of calculated lying and betrayal.

But I am a great believer that what one does when drunk is a searchlight on that person's real character. It is that person without the inhibitions and without the camouflage
.
So my opinion either scenario exposes the betrayer in a similar light:someone with no integrity and no respect for the person they are betraying. Someone whose ultimate goal is their own pleasure and satisfaction and to hell with the person they profess to care about and love .

Fair enough.

For my own part, I am a great believer that people can make mistakes and the test of a person's real character is how they move forward after those mistakes.

Takes all sorts to make a world 🙂

Well my feeling is that a person's " mistakes" are down to what a person 's true character is. And with the best will in the world, and with all the desire in the world, it is impossible to change that character.
Yes you can keep the character in check. You can make the correct decisions. But you will always have to be on your guard to ensure you make the right decisions because if you lapse in your vigilance you will always revert to type and your true character will come to the surface - in the same way an addict is always an addict no matter how long they practice abstinence.

I totally agree with this. ⬆️

Op, it’s never been dealt with.

He seems to even not acknowledge it.

No wonder you’re angry.

It will fester.

Do you want to remain married to him?

Ironic that you find my cynicism (realism 😁) depressing, whereas I find your fatalism depressing.

Just to clarify, I would not have been able to move on in the OP's position facing a DP who still hasn't fully admitted to it.

It's such a shame though that it seems on occasions that one partner has to go through so much trauma to end up in a " happier" marriage. It's not my idea of happy.

Sending love and hugs 🫂 xxx feel free to inbox me if you want to offload to someone who gets it.

Op hope you are ok xx

I took my husband back. I am 98% over it 10 years on. But I do feel uncomfortable when women who aren’t my friends talk to him. But then I choose to remember how sorry he was, that we’ve had 10 years of fidelity and make the choice to trust him. I took him back because I could see he was as devastated by his actions as I was.

There was a similar thread before. Some people left instantly. Some tried to make things work but after two or three years realised they couldn’t. Others stayed but said things were never the same again, with many wishing they hadn’t stayed but now feeling too old to divorce. Only a tiny few said they had worked through it and all was fine. And their husbands had not behaved like yours Op. their husbands had instantly admitted it all on discovery, took full responsibility, made no excuses and worked hard to fix the relationship.

The odds are not good OP.

10 years of fidelity as far as you know. Do you not ever have a niggle in the back of your mind? In most cases they just hide it better. And of course they’re always sorry and ‘devastated’ when they get caught.

Cheated on by bf when I was 21. Was going on six months.

Cheated on at 30 all online I think. Only fans. Snapchat.

I just put myself ahead of them. Does 5 year old me deserve that ? No. I got over them in weeks.

Realised after 2nd one to stop going for loud men.

Don’t bother with couples counselling.

counselling for you, to get through it, not over it

Yes, I've been cheated on. Horribly in one case. Children involved. Yes I healed. But the only way I healed was to totally move on from the cheat. No looking back. It was bloody hard initially though.