Help me urgently.... Divorce and being fucked over

[BGP]

Tried to work through things. Didn't work.

Now shitting myself as he has said after 9 years marriage I will get 50k and the kids furniture, he says he has already done stuff to protect himself.

I've not got a penny and my name is not on the deeds to the house, can he have put everything in trust to his kids?

I'm panicking about the land registry stuff and thinking he's properly screwed me, although he is desperate for me NOT to see a solicitor for advice, which I certainly will be regardless.

I'm absolutely shitting myself. What am I supposed to do re house? I can't read the stuff online too busy shaking

Please help me

Get a Shit Hot Solicitor. They will ensure you get what is fair, not what he says he'll give.

Collect as much data about his finances as you can, take photos/screenshots/photocopy. Get yourself a good solicitor. Try not to show him how vulnerable you feel. Hide your children’s passports if you are able.

Panicking won't help @BGP

You will need legal advice, many solicitors offer free 15mins or citizens advice can advise you.

When you are able, it is absolutely incumbent upon you to become well informed as to your rights and those of your children.

The very last person you should listen to is your ex, pay absolutely no heed to him, at all

Don't read anything online. Put all your money and effort into finding the best solicitor you can. Let them sort it out.

When he questions your plans just grey rock and say your solicitor is handling it all and you don't want to discuss.

I have a friend who has done the same and they have uncovered 500k in crypto she had no idea was there. He thought he'd just swan off with it and she'd be none the wiser (she also hired a forensic accountant as thought he's was being very shady..)

I fully intend to but he has an adult DC, my name is not on the deeds and I'm panicking he's given the house away

He is VERY reluctant for me to take legal advice, but I also know he is a subversive lying shit and I don't trust him.

I have tons of sneaked photos of paperwork but the problem is so much is only online and I don't have access to that

Do not panic!

You are paralysing yourself @BGP

This is the time to be smart, get all the facts first

I'm trying not to, but oh my god he turned so quickly, he went out came home to find me crying and the only question he had was about money. And I've actually secretly recorded the conversations because I was so shocked. House is worth 600k alone and he's definitely sitting on secret money..... Together 16 years married 9 and 50k for me? Asked him how much he'd have paid a maid in all those years at min wage for the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing and childcare. Whilst I also work FT and pay for all shopping.

Fuck me sideways

You can buy the deeds online very cheaply. When did you separate? What’s on the divorce petition? Did you contribute to the mortgage or deposit?

You need a solicitor.

Haven't separated, no petition yet. Over the years i have contributed to mortgage and bills, after a wobble post covid I moved to just paying for shopping and household stuff but many years yes I did and labelled payments on banking as such, but mortgage is less than what I pay on living costs.... about £150 a month as he paid most off with gifted early inheritance, and he stands to inherit well.

I don't care about that but I can't buy a house for £50k and support my 2 DC

since you are married you will be entitled to more and likely part of any workplace pension.
see a lawyer.

Trust me, I will. What an awful man I married.

I recommend checking the title deeds and, assuming he's still showing as the title holder, registering your beneficial interest in the home.

Technically, you don't have to register your interest because you're married. But I would anyway, it guarantees you'll be alerted if he tries to sell the house.

Plus what everyone else has said about money and solicitor!

Search the land registry:
https://www.gov.uk/get-information-about-property-and-land/search-the-register

This is a form to register your interest - but I'm not sure it's the one you need. When I did it, I just rang them up and a nice lady sorted it out on the spot. This form's quite short and straightforward, though.
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/enter-a-restriction-registration-rx1

Contact HM Land Registry:
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/public-guidance-dealing-with-land-and-property

Step 1 - follow @GarlicFound advice and register your interest in the house.

Step 2 ask womens aid for a list of lawyers who have experience in dealing with divorcing abusive men. Choose one of those lawyers. Or try a few to see who you gel with.

He probably has been doing dodgy things but they can be undone. You may need a forensic accountant.

set up your own separate bank account. Take a couple of days off work if need be to sort these things out.

wishing you all the best. Keep posting here - maybe ask HQ to move your post to the relationships board.

Thanks. I posted here for traffic,

@mumsnet can you please move me to relationships?

I'm resolute, no going back and no making excuses and no fixing this now.

I got some lovely pjs for xmas and I said in my head I would wear them on my first night in my new house.
They are still in the box so I guess I knew it was the truth.

There will be a time of peace and safety. It will be.

You’re married. That means that he doesn’t get to tell you what you get, the law does.

Firstly the children and their needs, housing etc is prioritised.

Secondly all assets go into the pot and the start position is 50:50 but your future earning potential, and child responsibilities are all taken into account. This includes both of your pensions, savings, the lot.

Thirdly, the very fact that he is desperate for you to stay away from the lawyers, should be deliciously reassuring. That’s because he knows fine well he’s about to get his arse handed to him.

My prince of an ex husband did all this. He had lied and lied throughout and we didn’t even do mediation such was his awfulness.

What I must warn is, once you have seen a lawyer and it becomes clear to both of you that you’ll be getting a minimum of half assets plus if the kids stay with you, likely the house too, then he may well turn very nasty. Mine did and was arrested in the end and told to stay away from me. So keep your plans secret.

I did link the wrong form to register your 'home rights', @BGP. This is the one you want:
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

Here's the guide & info:
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/applications-under-the-family-law-act-1996

Search the registry first:
https://www.gov.uk/get-information-about-property-and-land/search-the-register

It’s not up to him whether you take legal advice, ignore him, obviously you need your own legal advice and the fact he thinks he can even have an opinion on that is laughable.

He can’t just pull figures out of his arse, the idea he thinks he can is ridiculous, listen to nothing he says at all.

Speak to some solicitors, most will give a quick free call initially, I’ve done the same recently.

Listen to them, not him, good luck.

Stop discussing with him. He’s not on your side and is the last person to be listening to.
Are you still living together? How old are children and what are you expecting living arrangements to be for them?

Get legal advice now. Don't engage in any discussion with him. The house is a marital asset.

"He's desperate for me not to see a solicitor"

Ha, bets he's not lol. Your going to get paid big girl.and so you should. 50% of everything: house, secret money, pension etc..

Of course he doesn’t want you to see a solicitor and find out his offer is bullshit.

After 9 years I would expect 50% of all assets - savings, investments, pension, house equity, cars…

You need to see a solicitor sooner rather than later and file for divorce. Google tells me that there is something calles a matrimonial home rights notice which should prevent a change in ownership at the land registry whilst divorce proceedings are ongoing.
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

I would beg borrow or steal the money to see a solicitor straight away.

The house, all money in the accounts and investments/pensions are marital assets. As you are married you'll be get a share. It doesn't matter whether you're on the mortgage or deeds, the house is a marital asset. The only thing that's excluded are inheritances (and only if they have never been put into a joint account).

Unless he's been very clever financially (and paid an accountant to put things in trusts / made them business assets), you should be fine.

Get a decent divorce solicitor and they (and the judge) will make sure the split is fair. This doesn't necessarily mean a 50/50 split, but a split that ensures both parties end up with equal living standards post divorce.

As well as the divorce itself, a financial order (clean break) is required to sever all financial ties between you (without that, you still have a claim on each other financially even if no longer legally married).

If a judge deems the financial order to be unequal they will refuse it and force the parties to go back and re-do it (ie one person being screwed over - likely due to financial coercion by the other).

It sounds like he's a a*hole and desperately hoping you'll roll over and not fight for what you're entitled to. If he's reluctant to produce financial information the court can force him to do that. Hopefully he'll be forthcoming - it's very difficult to hide assets/wealth away where they can't be traced without a very good (and expensive) accountant. He might think he has done a good job himself but any forensic accountant will easily track it down. If it gets to that stage and the court is forced to dig deeper themselves, the judge again will take a very dim view of this and make sure that the costs associated with it comes from him share of the pot.

To put your mind at ease now book an initial consultation with a divorce lawyer - most will do a 1hr chat for free before you appointment them. You're not obliged to go with them for the full divorce.

If costs will be an issue, if you are on a low income you can get help with the legal costs of the actually divorce process itself (the cost of filing the papers with the court), but the legal fees for advice and solicitor costs are usually deferred until you receive your share.

Also - check out The Legal Queen on insta/FB. She is a divorce lawyer and does lots of videos giving free advice (I also think her firm does the 1hr free consultation thing). She does regular follower Q&As as well.