Online dating in your 50s

Ffobele · 2026-03-04T11:49:01+00:00

I guess this is a but of a relationship AIBU. Or maybe an AIB Old Fashioned! I'm new to online dating after coming out of a 25 year marriage and I've had a couple of chats with guys online and on the phone. I am finding that there is a directness that I am really not used to and wondered if this is normal? I figured that these preliminary chats would be about who we are, what we do, a little bit of life history, finding an emotional connection, seeing if we connect before we meet etc. Baby steps. But instead there seems to be an almost dogged focus on the physical side of things even at this early stage. These guys have been respectful and polite but talking about sexual compatibility, preferences etc before we've even met feels a bit presumptuous to me. I get that in our 50s we all have a better idea of what we are after in a relationship and maybe there's a sense of urgency at this age or something, but what happened to good old fashioned flirting and finding stuff out bit by bit? Is it the norm to be setting out your stall so early?

weregoingtobefriends · 04/03/2026 11:56

I was in this boat a few years ago early to mid 40s and its just weird as F isn't it. Sad to hear it's the same with men in their 50s. It's just not for me and puts me off regardless of any other potential. What can we do though? I will likely be joining the online dating world again and it fills me with utter dread!

Janeaway · 04/03/2026 12:05

Block anyone who starts talking about sex, OP. I have used dating sites in my 50s and there's a lot of creeps out there. There are also some nice ones, you just have to wade through all the perverts.

iamamickey · 04/03/2026 12:12

My friend is in this exact position and has decided the guys looking for a relationship are few and far between and most are looking a quick shag. She is 53 and has met 3 men irl. All three lied about their ages on their profile with the most extreme telling her he was 60 when he was actually 72. She is going to try a speed dating event for over 40’s in Town in a few weeks. Hopefully she is more successful as she’s so lovely.

Original poster

Ffobele · 04/03/2026 12:13

@Janeaway the thing is I can't tell if these guys are creeps or not. Of course some are, but I find myself wondering whether it is creepy to say that you want someone who is wanting a strong sex life, or is it just being direct and honest about what you want in a relationship?

I guess I am looking for a bit of a slow burn, romance. Is that even possible with OLD?

OP posts:

ForTipsyFinch · 04/03/2026 12:24

The majority of men on dating sites are like this. The decent guys on there who are looking for a relationship make up a tiny percentage of them. I’m 35 but it’s the same for me, I don’t use dating apps anymore but there’s lots of creeps, sex pests and weirdos. There ARE decent ones on there, but to find them you have to filter through the first group. I would rather do nearly anything else than that so I’ll stay single. I may meet someone in person one day who knows 🤣

ForTipsyFinch · 04/03/2026 12:26

Ffobele · 04/03/2026 12:13

@Janeaway the thing is I can't tell if these guys are creeps or not. Of course some are, but I find myself wondering whether it is creepy to say that you want someone who is wanting a strong sex life, or is it just being direct and honest about what you want in a relationship?

I guess I am looking for a bit of a slow burn, romance. Is that even possible with OLD?

Maybe it isn’t creepy as such (although I think it is) but you could frame it differently- this is them making it clear exactly what they’re looking for from the off.

Everyone wants the physical side to be decent, it goes without saying… But these guys are ONLY looking for that, hence why it’s bought up immediately.

Nosdacariad · 04/03/2026 12:28

They're doing it because they think it's worth a try. I can see why you would think it's directness and I agree sex is important but the ones who do this are not looking for a relationship x

Brightbluesomething · 04/03/2026 13:19

Men who focus on this so early on don’t generally want a relationship. They’ll be trying their hand with many women to see which ones will want a quick fumble with them. It’s a numbers game.
Now I have no issue with stating that a sex life is important but getting thrills by discussing it in detail rarely leads to finding your soulmate. I’d block and move on. Not all men are like this but the ones who are should be avoided unless you also just want a quick fling.

RockingBeebo · 04/03/2026 13:25

I did OLD for a bit aged 49 and 50. I actually only spoke to one who was focussed on sex. None of them worked out but I didn't get any of the sleaziness from the others of the maybe 9 I messaged (met about 7).

Not a single dick pic either.

I think my profile gave out spikes in the right way.

This was two years ago

runawaycheese · 04/03/2026 13:32

I avoid anyone with any mention of this whatsoever. So if it's on their profile or they start chatting about sex before we've even met I am out.

More of a difficulty I am finding as I get older is dealing with the over-inflated sense of self. I think men of our generation were so actively encouraged to be like this around women. Maybe the younger generation feel a bit more equal, I don't know.

As I get older I just can't be bothered with it. When I look back at the few relationships I have had I think 'why did I!?'...but to be fair I think they've got marginally better each time. Hopefully it's growth!

niop · 04/03/2026 13:33

my ex BIL is on OLD, saying he’s 53, when he’s 67! He’s always been handy with the hair dye. He’s also skint and feckless and not the businessman he pretends to be!

catpupjoy · 04/03/2026 14:05

Shame you can’t name and shame, so no one falls for this creep!!

Original poster

Ffobele · 04/03/2026 14:08

God it’s all so depressing. Why is this so difficult!! 😂

Where are all the good ones? It absolutely staggers me how shit some of the profiles are. No thanks to the following:
Half naked in bed
Holding a fish
On some kind of public transport (do they think they are at their most attractive sitting on the number 47 bus?)
Not smiling
Only wearing shades
Wearing full drag (WTAF!)
Describing themselves as “open minded”

Might try the speed dating option. Too old at 52?

OP posts:

TwistedWonder · 04/03/2026 14:14

OP - I’m 60 and gave up on OLD die to tbd amount of sleazy creeps who pushed sexual chats from the start

OLD is full of older men acting like 25 year old fuckboys sadly

I can’t think of anything more cringey than sexual chats with a stranger personally

FloydPink · 04/03/2026 14:26

I am a guy and yes, any talk of sex is just weird and creepy. For me that is not discussed on the platforms, message or even the first and second date for certain. That said when I have dated online, sex has happened 'naturally', as in we were just kissing etc... and it happened without pre-discussion or planning. Only once have I discussed such things before sex and she was the one that wanted to go through likes and dislikes!

IMO any guy talking like that is a big no! But then I am looking for long term, not a quick bunk up

Nosdacariad · 04/03/2026 14:57

Ffobele · 04/03/2026 14:08

God it’s all so depressing. Why is this so difficult!! 😂

Where are all the good ones? It absolutely staggers me how shit some of the profiles are. No thanks to the following:
Half naked in bed
Holding a fish
On some kind of public transport (do they think they are at their most attractive sitting on the number 47 bus?)
Not smiling
Only wearing shades
Wearing full drag (WTAF!)
Describing themselves as “open minded”

Might try the speed dating option. Too old at 52?

I hope not as I'm older.
The quick answer is the good ones are mostly not on OLD.
If anyone will take a warning - 50 something in a Tom Baker scarf - avoid like the plague 😅

TomatoSandwiches · 04/03/2026 15:04

Look up the Burned Haystack method of dating, it's very informative.

SpanielLover356 · 04/03/2026 15:10

I met my lovely DH OLD. We started by chatting on line, moved to on WhatsApp calls & after several chats (none of which were sexual, just getting to know you chats about families, hobbies, current affairs etc) we met for coffee & a dog walk one afternoon. He brought flowers & home-grown tomatoes & we just 'clicked' having similar interests, similar values & found that we were generally compatible. He says that he fell in love with me at our first meeting, for me it was more of a slow burn, but we got there &, nearly 5 years later are very happily married.

I'd chatted to several men OLD before meeting my DH, many of whom were creeps and/or liars & it was obvious they were looking for a quick shag, so I threw them back. I went on a couple of dates with men met OLD who were rather incredulous when I made it clear that they would not be invited back to my flat after one or two dates (eg: before I'd got to know them) & I was rather vague about where I lived just in case they turned out to be weirdos.

I'd say stick with it, but protect yourself. There are nice genuine men out there.

Edited for typos

HomelyHouse · 04/03/2026 15:11

SpanielLover356 · 04/03/2026 15:10

I met my lovely DH OLD. We started by chatting on line, moved to on WhatsApp calls & after several chats (none of which were sexual, just getting to know you chats about families, hobbies, current affairs etc) we met for coffee & a dog walk one afternoon. He brought flowers & home-grown tomatoes & we just 'clicked' having similar interests, similar values & found that we were generally compatible. He says that he fell in love with me at our first meeting, for me it was more of a slow burn, but we got there &, nearly 5 years later are very happily married.

I'd chatted to several men OLD before meeting my DH, many of whom were creeps and/or liars & it was obvious they were looking for a quick shag, so I threw them back. I went on a couple of dates with men met OLD who were rather incredulous when I made it clear that they would not be invited back to my flat after one or two dates (eg: before I'd got to know them) & I was rather vague about where I lived just in case they turned out to be weirdos.

I'd say stick with it, but protect yourself. There are nice genuine men out there.

Edited for typos

Edited

What a lovely story - thats how it should be!

amibeingaknob · 04/03/2026 15:12

Ffobele · 04/03/2026 12:13

@Janeaway the thing is I can't tell if these guys are creeps or not. Of course some are, but I find myself wondering whether it is creepy to say that you want someone who is wanting a strong sex life, or is it just being direct and honest about what you want in a relationship?

I guess I am looking for a bit of a slow burn, romance. Is that even possible with OLD?

I nearly ruled out my boyfriend due to this. He has a high sex drive, and before us had a miserable long-term relationship with a lack of sex and he didn't want to enter into that sort of relationship again - which I understand. However, he brought it up very early on and it put me right off. It put lots of women off he said, but he knew what he wanted and felt it was important to mention it. I do have a high sex drive (with the right person) and it was part of what I was looking for, but at first I just thought - 'ewww, why are you even going there now? we haven't even met ffs!' So much so I blocked him on Tinder, and we reconnected on Hinge 6 months later. I still think it was a daft strategy of his but admittedly I have never been in his position of being in a sexless long-term relationship so I can see why he's wary.

Anyway, I did give him a shot and he is wonderful so it worked out. I still tell him though I think he was daft to talk like that to women early doors because the majority will think hes a creep like I did and he really isn't. Just knew what he wanted.

amibeingaknob · 04/03/2026 15:14

Oh and I should state we fell in love uber quick, moved in together at 5 mths (crazy I know), and are still together and very compatible. We are in our 50s.

TwistedWonder · 04/03/2026 15:35

Ffobele · 04/03/2026 14:08

God it’s all so depressing. Why is this so difficult!! 😂

Where are all the good ones? It absolutely staggers me how shit some of the profiles are. No thanks to the following:
Half naked in bed
Holding a fish
On some kind of public transport (do they think they are at their most attractive sitting on the number 47 bus?)
Not smiling
Only wearing shades
Wearing full drag (WTAF!)
Describing themselves as “open minded”

Might try the speed dating option. Too old at 52?

Don’t forget the too close up selfies taken in a public toilet

One thing you also need to be wary of is that a lot of older men on OLD who say they want a LTR are actually wanting a nurse with a purse to cook clean and wipe their arse as they can’t manage on their own

SpanielLover356 · 04/03/2026 16:01

I went on a first date with someone who I'd been chatting to for a couple of weeks. Nice man-widower who was caring for his DSD (aged mid teens) who had quite severe learning disabilities, another older daughter who helped care for her half sister & was married with a baby & a nurse in the local hospital. He'd had a complicated relationship with his children's mother, as they'd been together, had a child, she then left him & had the child with someone else & that child had a disability, her fella couldn't cope & left, the man I was seeing & her got back together & he regarded the child with the disability as his own. I was impressed at him caring for his DSD as well as working - he seemed like a kind & caring man. Ticked all boxes.

Arranged to meet him after he finished work at about 3pm. He took me for a take-out coffee sitting on the wall of a carpark, then proceeded to tell me that he had a very small dick & asked if that would be a problem. Needless to say, I didn't see him again. I hasten to add - the small dick wasn't an issue (could've been a grower), but take-out coffee in a car park & talking about his genitals on a first date gave me the ick big time. 😱

Edited to clarify

runawaycheese · 04/03/2026 16:03

FloydPink · 04/03/2026 14:26

I am a guy and yes, any talk of sex is just weird and creepy. For me that is not discussed on the platforms, message or even the first and second date for certain. That said when I have dated online, sex has happened 'naturally', as in we were just kissing etc... and it happened without pre-discussion or planning. Only once have I discussed such things before sex and she was the one that wanted to go through likes and dislikes!

IMO any guy talking like that is a big no! But then I am looking for long term, not a quick bunk up

Edited

@FloydPink maybe you can advise here? It strikes me that some of the same guys sit on these apps for such a long time. When you actually chat to them some of them seem to be waiting for 'the one!'. There seems to be little understanding and awareness of what women actually want and need. And actually imho it isn't really that hard. Just takes a little bit of effort. But they don't seem to have the awareness for that in my experience. E.g previous date nice enough guy but spent his life and hobbies around other men and emotionally like talking to a brick wall.

Of course all that is if you've found one that isn't introducing sex talk straight away. Needle in a haystack!

Endofyear · 04/03/2026 16:28

I think any bloke who started talking about his sex drive during the first few chats, before you've even met him, is off-putting and creepy! I suppose it does help you weed out the crap ones at least before you've spent too much time talking to them!

Honestly, the more I read about OLD the more I think there's no way in hell I'd do it - if my marriage were to end, I think I'd be happily single for the rest of my days!