Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

Don’t know how much more I can take to be honest

What would help you cope? If you could do anything without restrictions? What would be your choice?

Go on a holiday by myself !

but realistically I am trying . I’m not someone who gets zero time to herself, I do go out to yoga classes and see friends. He’s very supportive of that side of my life.

I think you going out and him not having an issue with it is the red herring. The one thing that isn’t in the abusers text book.

you sound mentally tired Pink Poet. Tonight your husband is using all his emotional manipulation techniques on you so of course you are feeling in turmoil.

I really do know Poet because I lived it for many years. I was in total denial for a long time and from the outside you would never ever have guessed. I know you will be feeling utterly exhausted and constantly craving normality and happiness, that's why your mind chooses to believe him when he says he'll do better. The alternative is just too much to even consider.
My husband always encouraged me to go out, dress up, have my freedom etc. We had fun, we laughed, and I was totally in love but he was still a manipulative and dangerous man. Men like that do not change, they're not capable of ever showing you real love, care, and affection, they're transactional in everything they do.
The best thing for you to do now is to read up on codependency, DARVO, the cycle of abuse and most importantly try and have a read through those characters on the freedom programme pdf I linked.
The more you become aware of abusive tactics and behaviours the more you'll start to recognise just how abusive he really is. Coercion is insideous, so you often don't see it coming until you're all in. You know something isn't quite right but can't pinpoint what it is.

I really hope you manage to get some sleep tonight ❤️ xx

Thank you, I did sleep. He slept on the sofa all night. Like he said he would

I will have a look at that link you sent thank you, as well as all those things you mention. I don’t know what DARBO is so I’ll look it up.

I think I am still in the denial phase a bit. Although everytime I talk about the SA with my therapist it gets a bit easier.

It is an interesting double standard that when we suggested you sleep elsewhere to avoid his pestering, you couldn't because he would think it were strange. And yet, when he decides to take himself off to the sofa to punish you/make you feel guilty, he does just that with no qualms.

Just interesting to note how much you are concerned about upsetting him when he is quite happy to upset you.

Very good point and not one id thought of. I did feel guilty but I slept ok. I do accept I am a people pleaser by nature and hate to upset anyone especially him. Something to work on I guess.

I don’t know why he slept separately - he muttered something about being able to sleep better without thinking about sex when I’m next to him.

Maybe it’s his way of trying?

Yes, it’s his way of trying to make you feel guilty about hurting him and to worry about him withdrawing affection, therefore making you more likely to comply in future.

It’s pure manipulation. I’m sure you are gorgeous OP but you’re 10 plus years in with 4 kids, not a month in when it is all consuming. The idea he can’t sleep next to you due to temptation is ridiculous. I mean you love him a lot, are you lying there thinking his presence is just too irresistible or are you thinking of normal life, work, kids and just trying to get rest in before the day starts all over again?! That’s normal. I expect he’s the same except he also thinks ‘I want sex now’ and you are the person who fulfils that part of it for him.

It is actually quite insulting. He says all this stuff to try to make you feel flattered, but the reality is he just wants to get off and he expects you to make that happen like you are an appliance rather than his partner.

Ive message you

This did make me laugh a bit , although probably not your intention! I know , and I’ve said to him before im not sure that’s 100% normal to be THAT keen all the time.

I have wondered many times if all men are like this

99 per cent of men are NOT like this at all.
Some may sulk a bit if sex is off the menu for a bit but that’s as far as it goes.

Just to say, yes some men may sulk if sex is off the menu for a bit, but you're likely talking about weeks/months/years, not a few days, a week or two. That's totally unacceptable, and not normal in the slightest.

I can honestly 100% say that my husband has never ever ‘sulked’ if sex is off the menu and I have been married nearly 40 years and we’ve had all sorts of ups and downs.
Please don’t try and normalise your husbands behaviour. He is a rapist. You can minimise his behaviour all you like, but he is what he is.
It certainly shouldn’t be making you laugh.

I think it would be good for you to work on people pleasing with your therapist OP. I think it makes his abuse so much easier for him.
Also, when you are free and on the other side of this, please speak to your children about consent. Your daughters so they don’t end up enduring this and your sons so no one else’s daughters end up enduring this. It isn’t your fault of course, but their dad won’t be talking to them about it.
I wish you well and really believe you will be ok one day. You’ve made the first step by talking about it. Hopefully you can see it’s not normal for a man to behave in this way and that’s the beginning. Well done for what you’ve done so far - you will be ok.

Excellent point! It’s just manipulative I think.

And FWIW Poet I think you are taking some big steps - it was brave to talk to your mate and talking to the therapist will get easier too.

I would encourage him to sleep on the sofa. If he literally can’t stop himself from raping you he should sleep separately so you can be safe. I know that probably isn’t what he is thinking but I still wouldn’t be encouraging him back into bed if I were you.

I’ve made some decisions today.
I know it will not be a popular decision but it’s what makes me feel the most peaceful and safe.

I love him, so much, and I want to make the marriage work long term. He is my person. I think as much as I need help and support he needs it too. We’ve discussed this and he agrees. He is truly sorry and wants to change. I believe him. This is not me resolving him of responsibility, but I feel that he is now taking full accountability and his behaviour is showing me that he is truly sorry and that he is trying to make changes. It is very complex but despite what has happened he makes me feel happy and safe with him.

I will continue with therapy and in time I think we will do some together too. The support on here has been very helpful but I think it’s easy to see something as black and white when written here, when actually real life isn’t like that. I know not everyone will agree and that’s ok.

Thank you everyone , I might step back from here for a bit while I focus on home life & making Easter magical for the kids. But I’ve read every comment of support and it means a lot ❤️

I only want the best for you OP.

If he is unable to accept you taking sex off the table while you work on your relationship then you will know that sex is more important to him than you as a whole, precious human being. Please remember that.

If he isn’t willing to set up a joint account that you have access to as much as he does, then control matters to him more than you as a partner. Please remember that too.

I hope you feel able to continue posting so you have an outlet for your thoughts and feelings.

You made some huge strides by starting therapy and even confiding in a friend. Please be proud of yourself for those things. I am proud of you for them.

I really hope that in time you can be in a safe environment with your children, without an abuser in your midst.

Sending you a huge hug and hoping the therapists can help you to see him for what he is. You deserve so much more than he has given you, and so do your children x

@ByPinkPoet0 it is of course your choice and you need to do whatever’s right for you. I would really encourage you to come back to this thread or start a new one if you need to in future. I also think it’s ok to say that you’ve made the decision for now and see how it goes.
Throughout this and your previous threads, there have been several changes around his behaviour and that’s been confusing for you and difficult to know how you feel. It’s worth remembering that, because something else may happen and you feel confused and hurt again - it’s ok to realise that in future and come back.
Without wanting to sound in anyway patronising, you feel like this today, but tomorrow may be different, because you’re on this emotional rollercoaster.
I wish you safety, peace and happiness got you and your DCs.

Wishing you all the best PinkPoet, and do come back here if you need to. Even if it’s some time later to give us an update on how you are doing. Take care ❤️

We are here for you if you need us. Good luck and rejeher please he is the very lucky one to have someone as forgiving and kind as you x

• please remember

Thanks everyone you are all lovely people ❤️

I felt very sad reading the update but do understand for OP it’s real life to her, and not a MN thread.
It shows how powerful these men are.
I hope OP comes back if she needs to.
On all of her threads, some women have shared remarkable stories and thanks to them for their honesty. It will have been really hard to share those stories.