Pls share success stories - fixing an unhappy abusive marriage

[NobodysGirl]

Just that , pls can those who have been able to fight the odds and managed to completely change their marriages around post here for inspiration.

I am another one in a verbally abusive marriage of 25 years with a man who always seems grumpy and disgruntled and unhappy.

I have just decided I will try again and give it all my all this year - 2026 - then if I still decide to leave later this year I will know I gave it my all.

I want to try wholeheartedly though as I think I have had a foot out subconsciously myself for a long time now and been emotionally distant in my own way by having checked out and numbed myself with Netflix and wine as a coping mechanism.

Pls share advice if you are similarly trying or have had success in a similar situation....

Of course you have one foot out. You can't fix anything if he's not doing his half, too. I think it's sad that you're taking on 100% responsibility for this because you're only going to hurt yourself in the long-run.

You’ll just destroy even more of your own self esteem and your confidence and end up exactly where you are now. It’s simply not possible to change someone else. You’re just rattling a locked door.

How about book a night/weekend away together, somewhere nice, nice food etc. And use it as a chance for a really good chat and sort of fresh start. Be honest with him that you're putting 100% into this as one last ditch attempt to save your marriage. It will only work OP if he's prepared to do the same

Unless he’s willing to try wholeheartedly you’re wasting your time. In my experience they don’t change.

Why on earth would you want to stay with him?? If anything, does he want to make things better? If not, you're wasting your time.

It’s been 25 years of unhappiness and abuse - you’ve already given it your all and nothing has changed, another miserable year isn’t going to make a difference unless your husband is also committed to change, an if he was that would have happened years ago.

There’s no prize given out at the end of your life for having tried very hard to make a failing relationship work.

I think you should listen to your subconscious, it's trying to protect you

Why do you want to put so much effort in for a man who "always seems grumpy and disgruntled and unhappy" and is verbally abusive? Do you not deserve better? Yes, you do. No-one deserves to live like that for 25 years.

Have there been good times? Is that what's keeping your hope alive @NobodysGirl ?

I have started CBT this week and here is my positive thought diary list to replace the automatic negative thought of 'he is doing nothing to improve this' -

1. He has held a steady job all the years we have been together, he brings in a steady wage (as do I).
2. He cooks not 50pc , but at least a few times a week and asks to check that I like the food he has cooked too
3. He does a food shop almost every time he pops out and always asks if I want something
4. Unless it is a big expense, I spend my money on what I want for all the little things like a high street retailer dress or make up or coffee/food outside - after we have paid the joint bills proportionately. He trusts I am responsible with money most of the time (barring a few items we disagree on). He is responsible with his money in my view too , for the most part barring one or two instances over the years.
5. We still can sometimes watch a movie or something on the telly together, albeit no where near as much as we used to after everything became available to stream on demand.

Original Negative automatic thoughts -

1. Doesnt do anywhere close to 50pc around the house, is horrible with project planning and mgmt whether it be clearing a room, or booking a nice holiday,
2. Nothing in common anymore
3. Is still resistant to the idea of therapy to process his redundancy and sudden job loss and new job in 2024. Might be depressed, causing the general anxiety and anger - this will never get fixed without him recognising it, admitting it and asking for help

Thanks

I get you.

I think you need to be absolutely clear in your goals and what you will not put up with - no "it's a bit better, ill stay another year". That way you'll become old and nothing will really have changed.

But if you stay with a clear time-limit in mind and the commitment to do what you can, then either things will improve or you will be able to leave with an absolutely clear conscience.

Having said that,it also depends on what sort of 'abusive' he is.

It also, ofc, depends on him. If miserable and grumpy is who he is, then it doesn't matter what you do.

But do what you need to do to be able to make a final decision with a clear conscience.

Yes we loved each other a lot once. We have DC who love us both.

Miserable and grumpy is exactly who he is, but it wasn't always the case ....I still remember a different him.....

This is one of the saddest threads I have read here. You’ve given yourself such a sad username too.

I believe that leopards don’t change their spots, @NobodysGirl and that this life we have isn’t a dress rehearsal for what we can do better next time.

Do you think he still loves you when he treats you the way he does @NobodysGirl ? Do you think that's a love worth prostrating yourself for?

Your children are seeing your relationship as the way relationships are. Of course they love you both but they are likely to replicate your relationship in their own relationships in the future. You need to teach them boundaries and good behaviour, it doesn't sound like they're getting that at the moment.

Your list of positive things the abuser does is so sad, he would be doing those things anyway, when divorced. Watching TV, buying food, cooking food, employed.

Marriage is about enhancing your life and making it easier and fun.

Speak to Women's Aid and join some self esteem courses online.

You and your kids deserve a life of joy, freedom and happiness.

.

@Whereismyjoiedevivre & @NebulousSadTimes , Not sure I agree re purpose of life - I renounced my birth religion a long time ago and my current spiritual beliefs are very lose to Buddhist schools of thought - what if this is my karma for this lifetime? what if my purpose is to help heal him? Would I walk away because he had cancer, is not selfishness a disease of the mind, in a way?

Does the DSM5 / World of Psychiatry really understand narcissism ? Is it definitely not treatable? I know Dr Ramani says not but.

DC are 17 and 17+

@threemountains , I have seen this happen as well - there was a very good phase in my marriage about 10 years ago that lasted 4 years - I let it slip away by taking it for granted, but he changed so much when I was serious about leaving in my mid 30s, unfortunately I was too depressed about not being allowed to leave as I thought there was a better life out there that I could not see the wood for the forest. I let is slip away.

OP, I am a qualified CBT Therapist - the above list of positive thoughts is not something I or any reputable therapist would work towards with you, particularly not if, as you say, you've only just started. Good CBT aims to reframe distorted negative thoughts, yes but it's not mindless positivity: sometimes negative thoughts are accurate or helpful and in your case, it sounds like there may be many good reasons for your negative thoughts. If there are any concerns about abuse, a good therapist would explore this with you in more detail first before beginning any thought work. Is your therapist accredited with the BABCP? An unregulated one may do more harm than good

Has he got any interest in stopping emotionally and verbally abusing you? Seems like it works just fine for him.

Because you can't fix it if you're the only one changing.

Sort of.

Except I finally just chucked him out. Packed his things, kicked him out.

He was DEVASTATED. Begged me to take him back. Promised to change. He found a therapist who was great and...

...well life is never perfect but I'd say he's 99% nicer. He needed to want to change. I'd done the 'I try my best' thing before and it didn't work.

I'd say we're mostly pretty happy now.

So sorry OP. This will destroy the last of your energy. It takes 2 to save a marriage. Please be careful.

I needed to hear this, thanks.

He does not see it as verbal emotional abuse - he sees it as all the times in the past I hurt him or let him down leading to this built up resentment - and he thinks the resentment should not be a deal breaker in and of itself.

He has also not grieved the loss of a parent properly yet from the pandemic years. I need to become his therapist-like 'buddy' if he will not come to therapy........this is going to need so much energy......

Oh, OK, when did you qualify as a therapist and how are you intending to get around the conflict of interest in treating your husband?

And how exactly has he shown you that he wants to be treated by you or that he wants to let go of his resentment of you and start treating you better?