Pls share success stories - fixing an unhappy abusive marriage

[NobodysGirl]

Just that , pls can those who have been able to fight the odds and managed to completely change their marriages around post here for inspiration.

I am another one in a verbally abusive marriage of 25 years with a man who always seems grumpy and disgruntled and unhappy.

I have just decided I will try again and give it all my all this year - 2026 - then if I still decide to leave later this year I will know I gave it my all.

I want to try wholeheartedly though as I think I have had a foot out subconsciously myself for a long time now and been emotionally distant in my own way by having checked out and numbed myself with Netflix and wine as a coping mechanism.

Pls share advice if you are similarly trying or have had success in a similar situation....

I wanted to, very badly - but I just couldnt, Going ahead with it, the thought of ie, made me feel full of longing, but also full of self repulsion and disgust at the tawdriness of it so I stayed conflicted and frozen till the moment (year) passed.

I went no where even close or a million miles close of crossing a physical line, except in my head.ETA - He knew I wanted to very much. It was physically mentally spiritually so exciting and fulfilling to be given respect by a man I felt respect and attraction to. By He, I mean my spouse.

They are normal human needs and yours are completely unmet in your current situation. You shouldn't beat yourself up for longing for what you don't have.

Soooooo he's been punishing you for over a decade for thoughts you had in your head and never acted on?

@NobodysGirl it sounds to me like you are feeling that there is some outer thing guiding the way your life will or should be. There really isn't - you have to make the choices and live your life in a way that will benefit you the best you can. It can be very difficult to make those choices, especially when you've not really been allowed your own autonomy but you can start small, little things that will please you and no-one else need know, maybe wearing your favourite socks just because.

Please be careful of hoping for miracles, that way hurt and disappointment will be sure to come.

Your husband's behaviour works for him. Make yours work for you, and your children

You can’t fix an abusive marriage because the only thing you have control over is yourself. You can’t fix other people. You can’t squeeze yourself into the right shape to make someone not abuse you. You only have control over you. You can put up with it and be abused or you can walk into a new life.

You need to flip this. Your DH needs to be asking how he can be less disgruntled, grumpy and unhappy in his marriage. If he has not taken this on board and wants to change then you are wasting your time

You can't change an abuser by changing yourself

So you wasted 25 years and what's one more?

It's showing your kids you don't have to stick with a marriage full of resentment and abuse, for starters. That it's ok to realize you can't fix anyone else and to leave because you're done. That it's not ok to waste your life. That being a martyr doesn't change an abusive spouse.

You know what success in this situation is? Being an example to your kids of someone who won't put up with abuse. Not staying in a shitty marriage because you have magical thinking about miracles, but facing your reality and doing something about it that makes your life better. That's how you break the cycle of abuse.

I recommend you read a couple books.

Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft available as a free PDF online.

Would you listen to yourself OP?

he was nice to you when the power balance shifted. He was nice to you just long enough for you to stay then went back to his old ways.

and the list of positive things? Forget it. If the best thing you can say is that sometimes he cooks and is solvent, then you are really scraping the barrel. I could say that about my neighbour, or work colleague- doesn’t make them marriage material.

I empathise - I remember doing meditation when I was trying to deal with my abusive ex, but i remember coming to realisation that if you have to go on an 8 week course to learn how to tolerate your husband, the. You are flogging a dead horse.

And, (sorry to quote myself, but so you know it's a continuation) - even if it had been a wild physical affair where you were swinging off the chandeliers shagging another man - at a certain point, if you decide to stay in the marriage after infidelity, you have to try and rebuild and make each other happy. Not make it your life's work to punish the other person.

Otherwise what's the point of staying, unless it's taking a pleasure in the power over the other person and having a stick to beat them with forever?

You can’t fix or change an abuser because that’s who they are. They might put on an act short term to reel you in but fundamentally they will be able to hide their true abuse colours forever.

Please don’t waste the rest of your life twisting yourself into a pretzel to appease an abusive man. You were not put on earth to be a rehabilitation centre

Most people who are horrible or mean or even violent to the people they love are deeply unhappy. And collectively we should remember that and try to forgive. But @NobodysGirl has spent 25 years of her one and only life being unappreciated. She can be kind to him without sacrificing her own happiness.

He will not change, because he doesn't want to. He also knows you will never leave. This is your life for the rest of your life unless you take action. Good luck to you

Say it's over, you're done with him and you are applying for a divorce, he'll probably offer to change then, ime a man will only try to change when he stands to lose something. (Eg money, house, pension in a divorce, if he's got more than you) No matter how many times before you've told him what's wrong!
In my case that was too late to fix it, as I really was done, but as you're only bluffing really, it may work if you can act the part well enough.

Honestly OP, you need a shake!
You’re going on here twisting yourself up trying to find ways to blame yourself and ideas to martyr yourself for a man who clearly gives no fucks about you.
I’ll guess you’re in your 40s, there’s a whole life out there for you, in your place I’d have walked away long ago.
Also, why is it all on you to improve? he sounds like a nasty bitter petty c**t

But she hasn't been miserable for 25 years has she, only recently.

Thank you , sharing on here yesterday really helped with a boost. It will end either ways but at least I feel I am taking action for now.

Counting yesterday as Day 1 - agreed when he suggested going out for dinner (local, not fancy, but still) - normally I would suggest a carryout instead as fearing an unexpected argument at dinner. Made myself get a little dressed up, which I usually do not do lately that often when going out with him.

Made myself make light conversation over dinner over topics we used to talk about in the early days - not heavy , 'what went wrong with us' topics.

He made a little effort, albeit was low key grumpy and a little sarcastic at times per usual. Better than the recent norm , just a little. It's a start, we will see.

He's out for a lads thing the whole day today, DC have plans with friends this noon, I made an effort to do some tidy up of my home office room and am listening to some of my old fav tunes to get more into the positive repair mindset.

Was listening to 'Way back into Love' (OST Music and Lyrics, the Hugh Grant with Drew Barrymore movie from a decade or so ago) and realised the lyrics on finding love again - were making me daydream of a new love (!!!!!) as much as they were repairing my broken love with my spouse......
Maybe people here are right that sometimes what's broken cannot be fixed - but at least I am a bit more aware just in the past 12-15 hours since I posted this thread - that he isn't the only one who 'has given up' on us & is sleepwalking along. It does take two.

Will use this newly emerging awareness to see things more objectively at the very least.

You can’t “heal” a man who doesn’t want to change.

Even if you were a psychotherapist you couldn’t treat your husband (too close, not dispassionate) - how is a non-expert supposed to manage?

I'm so sorry OP, I tried for 20 long years to make it work with an abusive man. I lost myself, my friends, my health and almost my sanity. THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT.
I don't know how old you are, but I started over at 52 and I finally have peace. I just wish I'd done it earlier.

We might be frustrated at OPs desire to fix what seems to us to be unfixable, but we have to allow her the freedom to try.

It does sound as though he thinks he has the upper hand in the relationship, or is fighting to make himself believe that and the worry that OPs attempts will further shore up his belief. But if he truly believes that he is happy as he is and doesn't need to even attempt change to keep his relationship, it will become very obvious very quickly and OP will see then that it doesn't matter what she does, her marriage is dead.

But she should be allowed to try without all of us shouting her down.

Will use this newly emerging awareness to see things more objectively at the very least.

Good but please put an 'I' in front of will @NobodysGirl , own it. You owe it to yourself to do this with strength and confidence.

Be aware that if he senses a change in you, a growing strength, he will become more what you want, because he fears that your change will mean change for him. But be aware that he's not changing into a nicer person, he's changing to keep getting his way. I'm sorry, but that's how they roll.

And keep posting along the way if it'll help to keep a record or straighten your head, or speak to Women's Aid for support. No-one will force you to do anything you're not ready for but it always helps to be heard

In a long marriage people change. But you have to both accept and like these changes in order to keep going. Long marriages take work from both people to keep them happy. It sounds as if you have both changed but not really liked these changes in each other so you will never be happy. If he feels hard done by by your actions in the past then whatever you do now this will not change. If you feel unloved and even when you try you get little back then it is over. You can have loved someone for who they were but not love them for who they are now, that love of the old version of them will not sustain you being able to love them now.

You’ve made a good start.

I’d suggest cutting out or very low alcohol for both of you.

Trying to set some time for chatting, trying to remember the funniest thing that happened that day. Talking together about little things you are grateful for.

Starting a weekly hobby or activity that both of you can do, which will push you out of your comfort zone. Ideally one where you can laugh about others doing the same thing. (Hear me out I don’t mean to be cruel just shared amusement). 4 years ago we started boating, we can go out on our own or alongside others. There is always a mini drama or something happening. There is something very bonding about this, we can judge people who make a huge wake in the marina or jet skiers, and we are also laughing at ourselves on the learning curve. It’s stressful at times but when we get through it, it’s different and now we know each other’s strengths and it’s really helped us having this experience together.

Please don’t buy a boat but look out for things that he might want to do out of both of your comfort zones.

Friend has had similar issues and started doing something about it a few weeks ago. She's had success in ONLY praising/commenting positively on the good behaviour that needs to be encouraged. So far she's far less resentful and has noticed he's adding household jobs to his repertoire and even hoovered the whole of the upstairs and stairs without prompting last week, she was out all day as had to visit a relative, she was impressed he noticed it needed doing.
Still cannot get him to marriage guidance though.

Good lord, your friend's standards are low! Her husband sounds like a new puppy she is training.

100% the world over this is the case. I'm sorry you're so desperate to save this relationship OP, but once you find the mental feedback of being yourself, not having to please others, you will feel something magic and irreplaceable. Life is not about pretending to be happily married/socially acceptable finances/keeping the family together at all costs-it's short. I'm mid 50's and have lost more than 6 close friends to cancer before they hit 53. I've also been in two emotionally abusive marriages. I can't tell you the joy a feel at moving through the sliding scale of suicidal tendencies, to the freedom of living alone, with my family, friends and dogs. It's so wonderful and one day you may see the light, but sometimes we need to be pushed (by those abusers) ❤️..