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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pls share success stories - fixing an unhappy abusive marriage

99 replies

NobodysGirl · 27/02/2026 15:02

Just that , pls can those who have been able to fight the odds and managed to completely change their marriages around post here for inspiration.

I am another one in a verbally abusive marriage of 25 years with a man who always seems grumpy and disgruntled and unhappy.

I have just decided I will try again and give it all my all this year - 2026 - then if I still decide to leave later this year I will know I gave it my all.

I want to try wholeheartedly though as I think I have had a foot out subconsciously myself for a long time now and been emotionally distant in my own way by having checked out and numbed myself with Netflix and wine as a coping mechanism.

Pls share advice if you are similarly trying or have had success in a similar situation....

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 28/02/2026 20:33

Just leave.
Get away see how life is
If it is enough to maje him realise he really wants to change he will.
You cannot be his therapist

Luckystarss · 28/02/2026 20:44

OP, it makes complete sense that you want to give your marriage one last try before making any final decisions. That’s brave and admirable — as long as you feel safe while doing so.
One thing I’d say is that trying to rebuild something this long‑standing and painful is really hard to do alone, and even harder with dozens of strangers on MN giving mixed advice. It can turn into the blind leading the blind.
You might find it far more grounding to work with a qualified relationship coach who specialises in this exact dynamic. I’d genuinely recommend looking up Sami Wunder (Google is your friend) — her free blogs are excellent, and she has self‑study resources, including one specifically on a relationship reset, which sounds very aligned with what you’re hoping to do this year.
Wishing you strength and clarity, whatever direction 2026 takes you.

Pinkissmart · 28/02/2026 21:35

OP,
You can still care for him, and still support any change he may want to create in himself. You don’t have to do it while being in a relationship with him.

Your reasoning is giving me such flashbacks. I too used to think it was noble to allow myself to be treated badly for the sake of someone else’s ‘healing’.

HE WILL NOT ‘WAKE UP’ AND BE GRATEFUL

Didsomeonesaydogs · 28/02/2026 22:06

category12 · 27/02/2026 15:43

Has he got any interest in stopping emotionally and verbally abusing you? Seems like it works just fine for him.

Because you can't fix it if you're the only one changing.

Quite.

You can’t make someone treat you better by doing more of what they already don’t value.

Original poster
NobodysGirl · 01/03/2026 10:12

He was in a foul mood when he got back last night, I could only ignore it, there was no talking him out of it at that point in time....

I am still trying but heart is already not in it, after just two days of a burst of hopefulness, Gah....

I have in the past suggested a hobby every week together, when I suggested line dancing, he laughed in my face, have not been able to think of anything else since. I am trying to praise good behaviors (indeed like training a puppy, except that puppies are naturally adorable not grumpystilskins) as far between and few as they are

OP posts:
Original poster
NobodysGirl · 01/03/2026 10:14

I'm more invested in the OP who's going to meet the Z celeb today after 8 years of texting him - then I am in turning my marriage around, this morning.

Sez it all dont it.....

OP posts:
category12 · 01/03/2026 13:29

I am trying to praise good behaviors (indeed like training a puppy, except that puppies are naturally adorable not grumpystilskins)

He's not a toddler or dog though, and it's not only awful for you - but it's kind of disrespectful to treat a grown adult man that way.

I always think that sort of advice is more derogatory about men than feminists get accused of when we expect them to do better.

HortiGal · 01/03/2026 18:39

I’m sorry OP but it’s exhausting reading you trying to appease this arsehole of a man, see sense and plan to move on.
There is a whole world out there, don’t put up with this small miserable existence.

toodleoothen · 01/03/2026 20:56

NobodysGirl · 27/02/2026 15:02

Just that , pls can those who have been able to fight the odds and managed to completely change their marriages around post here for inspiration.

I am another one in a verbally abusive marriage of 25 years with a man who always seems grumpy and disgruntled and unhappy.

I have just decided I will try again and give it all my all this year - 2026 - then if I still decide to leave later this year I will know I gave it my all.

I want to try wholeheartedly though as I think I have had a foot out subconsciously myself for a long time now and been emotionally distant in my own way by having checked out and numbed myself with Netflix and wine as a coping mechanism.

Pls share advice if you are similarly trying or have had success in a similar situation....

Sorry if you are in this situation. I have and the only success I had was after I left. My life blossomed. Get out. Don't waste another year of your life.

LucyLoo1972 · 02/03/2026 01:33

Whereismyjoiedevivre · 27/02/2026 15:28

This is one of the saddest threads I have read here. You’ve given yourself such a sad username too.

I believe that leopards don’t change their spots, @NobodysGirl and that this life we have isn’t a dress rehearsal for what we can do better next time.

im in a simailr position but I blame myself. it all went bad when I had psychosis from stress and only after that realised the thigns that were wrong in our marriage

LucyLoo1972 · 02/03/2026 01:40

how does he abuse you verbally OP?

DeepRubySwan · 02/03/2026 04:26

What does he say when he verbally abuses you? Your list of positives is really quite minor and I would say just about every married man would do these things and often more. The real test is how you FEEL. Listen to your feelings stop trying to talk yourself out of it.

DeepRubySwan · 02/03/2026 04:30

Are you actually just waiting until both DC are 18? If so, you don't have long! Give it another year, why not, you've already served 25. Then leave when both DC hit 18 and he hasn't changed (which he won't).

3luckystars · 02/03/2026 04:38

What religion did you change to? Could you start going to church together a few times or get support from the priest / rabbi? Lean into that side of things?

Im not going to say anything to you except:
I think when you have anxiety about what to do, it’s because you actually do know what to do, but don’t want to do it.

And it’s very hard to leave someone, I appreciate that x x

Original poster
NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 13:25

This morning, I would have been perfectly willing to have had a lie in and some intimacy if he had wanted to - after DC left for high school not before (we both wfh), instead he chose to pounce on me for sex while they were still home asleep in the morning at 630 with their alarms about to go off any minute to get to the school early this morning (he knows they were leaving at 730 today).

I get them breakfast and sort them out so I get up as soon as I wake

I batted him off and went about my morning, and it was such a turn off I didnt go back for a lie in later either when he did.

My conclusion was this attack for sex without consent is a new fetish. Sure it gets boring after decades and one needs to go off it at times or get creative, but this is SUCH a TURN OFF

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 29/03/2026 10:03

I have read your recent thread and most of the replies on this one, Your list of positives is the bare minimum. I have come from an abusive marriage where he was emotionally abusive and very controlling. No matter how much I tried to fix it, I almost lost the whole of myself. Repair in marriage can only happen if two people are working towards one goal. He doesn’t seem to take ownership of his actions. I know 25 years is a long time but you sound depleted. I’ve come out of the other end now. I met a wonderful man about 6 years ago and am really happy. And I regret staying for so long as I was with him fro the age of 21.

AnonAnonmystery · 29/03/2026 10:05

NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 13:25

This morning, I would have been perfectly willing to have had a lie in and some intimacy if he had wanted to - after DC left for high school not before (we both wfh), instead he chose to pounce on me for sex while they were still home asleep in the morning at 630 with their alarms about to go off any minute to get to the school early this morning (he knows they were leaving at 730 today).

I get them breakfast and sort them out so I get up as soon as I wake

I batted him off and went about my morning, and it was such a turn off I didnt go back for a lie in later either when he did.

My conclusion was this attack for sex without consent is a new fetish. Sure it gets boring after decades and one needs to go off it at times or get creative, but this is SUCH a TURN OFF

This seems to be a pattern that he is trying to over ride your boundaries.

AnonAnonmystery · 29/03/2026 10:05

NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 13:25

This morning, I would have been perfectly willing to have had a lie in and some intimacy if he had wanted to - after DC left for high school not before (we both wfh), instead he chose to pounce on me for sex while they were still home asleep in the morning at 630 with their alarms about to go off any minute to get to the school early this morning (he knows they were leaving at 730 today).

I get them breakfast and sort them out so I get up as soon as I wake

I batted him off and went about my morning, and it was such a turn off I didnt go back for a lie in later either when he did.

My conclusion was this attack for sex without consent is a new fetish. Sure it gets boring after decades and one needs to go off it at times or get creative, but this is SUCH a TURN OFF

This seems to be a pattern that he is trying to over ride your boundaries.

Itsmetheflamingo · 29/03/2026 10:10

I think you need to go through this. Make a plan with a timetable and execute it.

you can’t move on until you’re in the right place and this is a significant part of you getting there. People can’t tear apart relationships before they’re ready, it’s not about reasoning with her on an internet forum- this is her life.

I think one day soon a decision will hit. Keep up the therapy

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/03/2026 10:48

He is now also using sex as a means of power and control. He is a dangerous individual OP. Sex without consent is rape.

Getmeouttathismess · 30/03/2026 07:14

I suggest you read Save the Marriage by Lee Baucom.
However, if he is abusive, nothing will work.

Needinghopeandpeace · 30/03/2026 07:33

I was you op, I tried so hard for 2 years to please a selfish, miserable, man-child. By the end I had totally lost myself because I was putting so much energy into saving my marriage, I didn’t have much left for myself. It didn’t work, I think if anything he actually became more resentful of me because it made it harder for him to leave and still look like the good guy. Towards the end he had an affair. You cannot get someone to change by giving them more of what they already don’t appreciate.

OpheliaNightingale · 30/03/2026 07:36

@NobodysGirl you won’t be able to fix it as it is not a relationship issue, it’s abuse. Abuse cannot be fixed by the abused partner giving her all.

MightyGoldBear · 30/03/2026 07:55

I do have a positive success story but it's not common at all.
Change only happened when I put in and held firm boundaries. I was inniating divorce and truly ready to find peace. I fully let go of trying to control the situation and concentrated on what I needed to feel safe. So that meant him leaving the house. He chose to sleep in his car in winter despite having many other options Because that's was immature victims do. He was also depressed and desperate for change.
Only then when life got very uncomfortable slowly the penny dropped for him. He got himself in therapy particularly abuse/entitlement therapy and in a men's group which he is still in now years later, now he is helping other men. The key is he wanted to do those things. His change and recovery was self propelled by himself. No one else can do that for someone. He is night and day difference.

Had he not changed I would of been divorced and found peace and happiness. I am pleased he has changed and we are happy but my happiness and peace was never going to be sacrificed whatever happened. I believe that should be your goal op. Focus on you what does peace and happiness look like for you? Start creating you life to hold space for that.

Good luck op

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