Pls share success stories - fixing an unhappy abusive marriage

[NobodysGirl]

Just that , pls can those who have been able to fight the odds and managed to completely change their marriages around post here for inspiration.

I am another one in a verbally abusive marriage of 25 years with a man who always seems grumpy and disgruntled and unhappy.

I have just decided I will try again and give it all my all this year - 2026 - then if I still decide to leave later this year I will know I gave it my all.

I want to try wholeheartedly though as I think I have had a foot out subconsciously myself for a long time now and been emotionally distant in my own way by having checked out and numbed myself with Netflix and wine as a coping mechanism.

Pls share advice if you are similarly trying or have had success in a similar situation....

I believe he wants to let go of his resentment on some level , as it is making him unhappy too surely. I can't let myself believe anyone would enjoy staying gloomy and dark.

He would have left if he had wanted to. DC almost grown etc.

I like your energy and I really hope it pays you back. So many people on here are so quick to end other people's marriages but sometimes I think people in a marriage can be lost and it just takes one to try and find the other. He sounds sad to me, rather than him being a horrible person. Try snd find the msn he used to be, i'm sure he's there but just needs encouragement and support to come back to you.

You can't change someone who doesn't want to change or isn't willing to do the work himself.

You can believe what you want about him, but as the old saying goes "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink".

You can't therapise someone by stealth.

OP

Do not waste another year of your precious life on him. There are no medals handed out for doing this to yourself and you're just further kicking the can down the road if you do.

Do you value yourself this little that you'd consider this at all?

What happened to you OP? What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum like you are being treated now?.

And NO you do not need to become his therapist like buddy either. Again you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him and he does NOT want your help and or support here. These types of men also hate women, ALL of them.

You are likely trauma bonded and need therapy for that together with his abuses of you so CBT is not going to cut it at all.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and your marriage was in fact over the first time you were abused by him. I feel for your DC in all this because of what you have taught them about relationships over the years (a shedload of damaging lessons that they could well go onto repeat). They likely wonder of you why you and your abusive H are still together. One day too they will leave home and they will not return very often if at all to see you both particularly if you remain with him for what are really your own reasons.

Your man is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. Blaming you for his shortcomings is precisely what abusers do to their chosen target.

OPs had 25 years of a miserable marriage already . Do you not think she has suffered enough Kindness costs nothing?. Such counsel keeps women like OP further trapped. Wy do you think the OPs H is sad?. There is no evidence to show this at all. He is angry because he is abusive and uses his wife as his verbal punchbag.

A person cannot reason with someone this unreasonable. He does this to the OP his wife because he can.

The man who OP thought he was is a mirage and will never return. He was just nice enough for long enough to get the OP invested in him. Now she is seeing who he really is. OP - you have a choice re this man and your children do not. Make choices with they and you in mind going forward, not him.

The list of your Pros is basic adulting. You may as well include "has two legs".
The list of cons... incomplete? You called him abusive and you alluded to the fact that he is a narcissist (although I really don't agree with using this term without a clinical diagnosis).
From one Buddhist-adjacent person to another, I can tell you for free that what you are doing here is performing a selfish act. You assigned yourself a role of a savior because you feel more comfortable in it than a role of a bad guy/gal who walked away. The reality remains that he showed no indication of wanting to work with you on your relationship. And since the relationship includes two people, you can't change it unilaterally.

Resentment is a marriage killer. There's no way past that. He blames you and resents you.

You are not a therapist and you certainly shouldn't be taking on the job of being your abusive and resentful husband's therapist buddy. That's just codependent as fuck and a really good way to fuck your mental health over.

You can't fix him. That's the bottom line.

Get yourself some therapy.

Thank you for your feedback on the list, would be very interested to hear more of your thoughts if you can share on what was wrong with my NATs and Positive thoughts list ?

It is definitely abusive, his behaviour, in that he has 'given up' on me and his talk reflects that, but equally he appears to have given up on him self and everything around him to an extent too by wallowing a lot - the abuse feels less personal in that context. He is okay with DC, stays on the right side of the line, verbally with DC barring a couple of recent incidents of grumpiness that he has apologised to them for.

To those who said does he want to be helped at all - I do not think he knows what he wants. But his actions show an inner struggle as much as anything else.

Are these positive thoughts to replace NATs any better ?

> The times he tied my shoelaces on , helped me shower, etc - when I was not well or pregnant and was going to see the doctor.
> The way he cried 10 years ago when I was about to leave him.
> The way he kissed and cuddled DC when babies/toddlers.
> His kindness at times over the past decades to my ageing parents
> The fact that he agreed to a daily 20 minute lunch time exercise 'walk around the block' with me - and kept to it twice in the past three days. I got him talking about his job troubles then.

Why is he abusive then @AttilaTheMeerkat

And thanks @Kindnesscostsnothingtryit , I hope so

Yes you're absolutely right - I am not comfortable being the 'bad one' who walked away if change is possible, Yes I would like to see myself do this and succeed in turning it around - I did it once but took it for granted and let it slip away because I started liking another man in my mid 30s, I bear a lot of guilt over that that I did not appreciate the changes I prayed for when it finally came and wanted to leave anyway ......at the time.

He thinks I wanted to leave for another man 12 years ago when I had given up trying to work on the marriage - despite him trying his best, it was too late too little in my eyes then - which is true.

He thinks I finally only stayed for the DC and because of social reputation etc - which is not true. I did stay for him as much as the DC.

He is abusive because he has learnt that it works for him. He likely saw abuse in his own childhood from his dad to his mum and learnt that this is how men treat women in relationships.

" He is okay with DC, stays on the right side of the line, verbally with DC barring a couple of recent incidents of grumpiness that he has apologised to them for".

His apologies are meaningless and you've likely heard similar from him over the years. I stand by my assertion that your adult children will not come back to their childhood home very often if at all once they leave home because they have seen you as their mum being abused repeatedly. This has become their norm and it's so very damaging to them. What are they going to remember the most about their own childhoods?.

Again you have a choice re him even now and your kids do not.

You will not be able to turn this around. It's like trying to turn an oil tanker around and besides which he is not interested in making your life better, only his own. Love is not just a verb, its actions too. His idea of love is to control you and keep you in a gilded cage of his own paranoid making.

Abuse is about power and control OP and he wants absolute here over both you and his DC.

Staying for the sake of the kids is never a good idea and in this instance it was a particularly bad one. Whose sake did you stay for here because it could be argued it was not theirs and so has not done your DC any favours.

Again what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
I would think you never envisaged such a terrible marriage for your own self.

OP

re your comments with the >

re these positive thoughts to replace NATs any better ?
> The times he tied my shoelaces on , helped me shower, etc - when I was not well or pregnant and was going to see the doctor.

Your bar is really sub level here isn't it. That was the very minimal he could have done for you.

> The way he cried 10 years ago when I was about to leave him.

More emotional manipulation from him and it worked because he is also a master manipulator. He saw his gravy train life with you come to an end so decided to turn on the tears.

> The way he kissed and cuddled DC when babies/toddlers.

Again the barest of minimal requirements. What actual parenting did he do?

> His kindness at times over the past decades to my ageing parents

Street angel, house devil is the phrase that comes to mind here. Abusers can also be quite plausible to those in the outside world and being nice to your parents was also done to get them more on his side.

> The fact that he agreed to a daily 20 minute lunch time exercise 'walk around the block' with me - and kept to it twice in the past three days. I got him talking about his job troubles then.

Again so very minimal and yet more BS to blind you with. His supposed inner struggle is not your responsibility either.

He does not see it as verbal emotional abuse - he sees it as all the times in the past I hurt him or let him down leading to this built up resentment

This is his justification to himself for the way he treats you.

You liking the other man previously, let me guess, your husband wasn't treating you well at that time so your head was turned to a man who seemed kinder?

Your husband's tears when you were talking of leaving him before? They worked, they were a tool he used to get you to stay. They can be very believable with the things they say and do, they can seem so genuine, but if this thread will teach you anything @NobodysGirl , please let it be that your husband wants his own way. Watch him for a while, with an outsider's eyes (that seeing the wood for the trees thing), see what you think.

Surely @AttilaTheMeerkat kindness, forgiveness and an open heart can achieve miracles? Maybe we don't always know God's plan? Or the Universe's plan? Maybe it is worth one last honest full try? Can you know for sure otherwise?

Thanks @NebulousSadTimes , I will watch him objectively too. Conflict of interest in trying to help him as another PP said? I don't think so.

Any other success stories, even if it is not with a romantic partner, just family/long time friends etc - pls share. I remain very grateful thank you.

Your precious life is slipping away whilst you waste your time trying to fix this abusive man.

Hi OP, the examples you've given aren't reframed NATs. NATs are usually extreme, distorted negative thoughts. It sounds more like a pros and cons list, with only the pros included. The aim of reframing NATs isn't to just tell yourself something positive in an attempt to convince yourself that you shouldn't be feeling bad. It's about reframing the original thought into something that is more compassionate, realistic, balanced, and flexible. So for example, a single person struggling to find a partner might tell themselves 'I'll never find love.' That would be a NAT. The reframing of it would be something like, 'It's understandable I'm feeling hopeless after several bad dates. Finding a partner is really important to me, dating is hard and it's frustrating not to have any control over the outcome. But I don't know what the future holds: I'm doing all I can to meet someone, it's likely that I will but it's ok to find the uncertainty and loneliness hard right now .' What you're describing simply isn't something a CBT therapist would do with you because your reasons for being unhappy are quite possibly not due to distorted or extreme thoughts: if your partner is abusive, your distress is entirely understandable and telling you something important. Trying to magic it away with positive thinking, rather than supporting you to see your situation clearly and decide next steps accordingly would be very unhelpful. Is your therapist qualified?

Being a rescuer and or saviour in any relationship never works.

With kindness OP your H sees your kindness, forgiveness and an open heart as your own weaknesses to be further exploited by him. You can only help your own self ultimately and "helping" him will further be your downfall. Read about codependency in relationships and see how much that relates to your own behaviours in your marriage.

And you are trauma bonded to this man and that remains a powerful bond.

Unless your H takes full responsibility for his actions towards you which he will not he will not change. Also this is deeply ingrained within his psyche; he has learnt that abusive behaviour towards you works for him and gives him what he wants; full control over you.

Conflict of interest in trying to help him as another PP said? I don't think so

You don't see ethical therapists treating family or friends, because they're too close to the situation, is what I meant.

You can't "fix" another person. Especially when they're not interested in being "fixed".

Maybe. But I have wasted big parts of 25 years already trying to run away or 'tolerate' it instead of 'trying to fix it' with all my heart - what's one more year? what if it worked? what if this is the most precious thing I could do with my life, apart from seeing my DC grown up, and happy in their lives and go on to have their own DC......

The point is, you can’t fix him. Why do you think you deserve to spend yet another year on this? He can treat you any way he likes and he chooses abuse. Why is this the life you are showing your children?

What if it doesn’t work?

OP

And if it does not work which it will not because he is not interested you will be in the same, if not a worse position, in a year's time.

What do you think you have taught your children about relationships?. Your DC have been shown very damaging lessons on relationships by both of you with one potential outcome being they could well repeat these same relationship mistakes in their own lives with their own DC being similarly harmed.

OP, did you have an affair? Or did he think you did?

You are describing emotional abuse but saying he doesn't see it as emotional abuse. This aligns him with all emotional abusers. They never admit it and if they even hinted at knowing it, it would be entirely your fault. You cannot be his therapy buddy or helper. He's only concerned about himself and you want to join him in that? It's a hiding to nothing. You ask about the DSM. It is possible to work on narcissism, to some extent, but your OH shows no insight at all that would make this even a remote possibility even if he found a really skilled therapist. He thinks you're the problem and that won't change.