Discovered a secret half-brother after DF died. Should we go looking?

[SecretFrom50YearsAgo]

Hi, I’m looking for some perspective or advice from anyone who has been through something similar.

DISCLAIMER:
I've name changed, I know some of my friends are here and I haven't shared this with anyone except DH.
I've used AI to tidy up the post below to make it clear and easy to follow and understand. But it's a very real and true story!

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My DF passed away a year ago. After his death, my DM sat my siblings (DB and DSis) and me down to tell us something she’d been carrying for decades.
Apparently, before my parents married, my DF had a child (a boy) with someone in a different part of the country where he lived briefly between the ages of 18 and 20. He told my DM about it at the time, promising he would pay maintenance until the child was 18 but that he would always provide for her and the family they would have together. After that, they literally never spoke of it again.
My DF was a wonderful, devoted man who dedicated his whole life to us. This news has been a massive shock - it’s the last thing we ever expected.

The current situation:

• We know nothing about this man, other than he’d be in his mid-50s now.
• The only way to find him would be a DNA test (Ancestry etc) and hoping for a match.
• My siblings and I have discussed it, but we have done anything about it

The "What Ifs" keeping me awake:

• Does he even know his father wasn't around?
• Would reaching out upend his life or his family’s life in a bad way?
• Or... has he spent 50 years wondering who his dad was?

I’m so conflicted. I feel like once we do a DNA test, there is no going back. Once that door is open, we have to deal with whatever comes through it. I obviously need to be in total agreement with my siblings, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Should we try to find him? Or should we leave the past in the past?

Has anyone here discovered a "surprise" sibling later in life? How did it go? If you were that child, would you want to be found now?

I have no experience of this but I think I would try to find him, I'd be so curious

I wouldn’t go looking. Sibling bonds, such as they are, come from shared childhood experience, surely? What would it add to your lives?

Davina….

I'd do the DNA test. You'll only find him if he is also looking for you.

There was a nice, sensitive radio 4 series on DNA tests revealing unknown family members. It was called ‘the gift’. Maybe listen to this to hear about different circumstances and help you make up your mind.

My mum discovered a half brother (J) who was about a decade older when she was about 15. She knew her father had been married before but not that there was a child from the first marriage (who’d stayed with his mother after the split and my mum’s dad had been away for much of the war (2nd WW)).

My mum and her full brother had been staying with relatives for the summer. Her father was meeting them at the station in London on their return. Apparently, J (by then a newly-married man in his mid-20s) had spotted my grandfather and approached him and said “I think you’re my father”. It was a wonderful reunion. J and his wife became very much part of the family. When my mum married some years later, J’s young daughter was one of her bridesmaids.

So, yes - I would say: go for it. It could be really special but @Lengokengo is right: worth listening to The Gift, which is a very interesting series in any case.

I think the same as TheBestThing. Of course others can discover the connection, but there's no direct pressure to your half brother to follow up.
My family is complicated higher up the tree. I've had FB requests but out of respect to closer family members Ive not responded and they've respected that.

I think you’ve got to think about this from your half siblings POV; would learning that his dad was a “wonderful, devoted man” but not to him break his heart?

Most likely.

You dad had a child and deserted that child, if he paid CM that’s the literal least he could legally pay for that child. He wasn’t there when his child was sick, he wasn’t there when the (most likely teenage considering your dad’s age) mum was struggling with sleepless nights/post-birth recovery. He didn’t do any school runs or teach his son to shave, or drive, or ride a bike. Would it help that man to know your dad was capable of doing all those things, but couldn’t be bothered to do them for his first born?

I would suggest you leave it up to your half brother to seek you out should he wish to, but probably the last thing he needs to hear is from his grief-stricken half-siblings what a wonderful man he was, because he wasn’t to his eldest son was he?

I am the 'secret' half but a sister. I was secret during their earlier lives anyway but I knew about them. One of them found me in my forties. I tried to approach it all with an open heart but it was very hard. I was badly treated by my own blended family..felt like the outsider and had also been left with other people a lot during childhood including foster care so I wasn't surprised yet again to feel like 'the outsider'. I tried a bit but couldn't cope with it so have stepped away. I would say go very slowly and carefully and be considerate of them and their feelings. If it is just curiosity to meet some need in yourself, don't bother. If you genuinely want to connect, then do so compassionately.

The thing is we have no idea what the situation was. Was she married and they had one night stand? Did she want DF to stay and be a father and he didn't? Did my DF want that but she didn't... we literally have no idea!
There is no way for him to find us - unless his mother told him and gave him somehow my DF's details?
But you make a lot of good points, thank you.

How odd to never speak about it again! I know times were different then but I just can't imagine that.

I'd be very curious OP and would try to find him.

thank you for the recommendations - will listen to 'The Gift'!

Some very good points here!

I know a little of what you speak. A few years ago one of my DHs nephews did a DNA test as a class project (he is a teacher). From that it was discovered that my MIL had a child she gave up for adoption 16 months before she married DH's father. No one alive knew. Apparently by my nephew doing something on the DNA site, the half sister knew how to get in touch and she did. She and my SIL have bonded but have only met in person once. She seems lovely. She had really wanted to meet my MIL but she refused. She was 90 and unwilling to dredge up the past. The half sister took the news well and understood. So, tis scenario worked out well for DH's family, but certainly not for all. Good luck!

This is exactly what I'm struggling with - I do not want to cause any pain to anyone. hence asking here because I'm so conflicted. It' definitely not just curiosity, it's me thinking about someone who might have been wondering all their life who their father was... but maybe he hasn't been...

Thank you for sharing.
That's the other thing - what if we find him not because he's looking, but because him or his kids/family are on the register just out of interest...

I’m in the exact same position. I tried ancestry but didn’t get a match. It’s a shame to think I have a half brother out there and I’ll never get to meet him.

If he’s interested in tracing his paternal relatives, I think it’s likely that he’ll have uploaded his DNA to Ancestry or MyHeritage hoping for a match.

The risk could be… he’s uninterested and hasn’t discussed his past with his family, but one of his adult DCs happens to be on the site and matches with you.

I'm sorry it wasn't successful 💚

yes, that's my worry exactly...

I have to say that part was useful. My father was still alive so I was able to meet him. Despite eventually having to step away, I got to know him a little bit. My mum had told me so many lies about him, I was able to make up my own mind and it filled a bit of the void of not knowing who you are, in terms of knowing your own parent.

Just forget all about this, OP. If your father had wanted you to meet, he could have arranged this. The "brother" may be biologically related, but is not a brother in any other way, so really he's just a random stranger.
By trying to track him down, you could cause chaos for another person and their family - please don't do it.

I had a fairly close match on ancestry with a name I didn't know and it turned out to be a descendent of my GFs half brother, that no one knew existed at the time, probably not even my GGF (who was the father). We did email a couple of times but he was convinced it couldn't be true despite the DNA match. I think he was a bit confused by it all.

If your father paid maintenance for many years are there any financial records? Do you know if the son took your father's name or if he was on the birth certificate? You could search for birth's in the area with your father as the father and an unmarried woman as the mother, if you have a reasonable estimate of the date and your name isn't too common.

We know nothing.
No financial records either. He would have paid maintenance in late 60s, 70s and early 80s - I don't even know how? Send money in an envelope? I honestly have no idea!