Discovered a secret half-brother after DF died. Should we go looking?

[SecretFrom50YearsAgo]

Hi, I’m looking for some perspective or advice from anyone who has been through something similar.

DISCLAIMER:
I've name changed, I know some of my friends are here and I haven't shared this with anyone except DH.
I've used AI to tidy up the post below to make it clear and easy to follow and understand. But it's a very real and true story!

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My DF passed away a year ago. After his death, my DM sat my siblings (DB and DSis) and me down to tell us something she’d been carrying for decades.
Apparently, before my parents married, my DF had a child (a boy) with someone in a different part of the country where he lived briefly between the ages of 18 and 20. He told my DM about it at the time, promising he would pay maintenance until the child was 18 but that he would always provide for her and the family they would have together. After that, they literally never spoke of it again.
My DF was a wonderful, devoted man who dedicated his whole life to us. This news has been a massive shock - it’s the last thing we ever expected.

The current situation:

• We know nothing about this man, other than he’d be in his mid-50s now.
• The only way to find him would be a DNA test (Ancestry etc) and hoping for a match.
• My siblings and I have discussed it, but we have done anything about it

The "What Ifs" keeping me awake:

• Does he even know his father wasn't around?
• Would reaching out upend his life or his family’s life in a bad way?
• Or... has he spent 50 years wondering who his dad was?

I’m so conflicted. I feel like once we do a DNA test, there is no going back. Once that door is open, we have to deal with whatever comes through it. I obviously need to be in total agreement with my siblings, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Should we try to find him? Or should we leave the past in the past?

Has anyone here discovered a "surprise" sibling later in life? How did it go? If you were that child, would you want to be found now?

my parents accidentally found a grandchild after doing ancestry dna. It was not an easy period especially for the child’s dad who found out this way he was not her biological father. BUT, out of the child’s two biological parents and this man it’s been this man who has continued to love, care and support her the most - she still calls him dad and now calls her biological parents by their first names. She’s especially mad at her mum for lying about her parentage.

But, she has also gained a large family and we have enjoyed getting to know her. I feel quite close to her because she is similar to me.

What does your mother want to happen? Also, bear in mind that if your half brothers mother was married, she could have simply passed him off as her husbands child and he may not be aware he has a different biological father?

When I was 11 my parents split up and my mum told me my dad had had 3 children before me. My dad NEVER admitted their existence despite having their names tattooed on his arm. I knew their names from my mum and … as it was back in the day before dna tests and the like … I rang all the people in the phone book. I was unsuccessful and then one day I was on friends reunited and came across a post by a woman whose maiden name had been that of my sister so I sent her a message… it was my sister. It was a shock for her (and her siblings) to find out about me (and it turned out I was at school with my niece) but we met up and I remember their mum was so lovely to me. She gave me the biggest hug and said she felt like she’d gained a bonus daughter. We don’t have the shared sibling history but we know eachother and it helped me feel like I knew who I was… prior to finding them I would look at every person in the street and wonder if they were my sibling. It wasn’t helped by the fact we lived very close by eachother so it wasn’t helped always a possibility that we could/would have crossed paths.

This is not uncommon. After my mum died I found out she’d had 2 DC before she married my dad. I know one as he reached out to us and met him when I was in my 30s. We get on ok and meet once or twice a year. He was adopted into a lovely family. Tread carefully and sensitively.

Another friend found out (after he read his dad’s will) that he had an older sibling. His dad had been married before (my friend had no idea) and when they divorced he’d had to agree not to contact the daughter. She had got in contact with her dad when in her late 50s. He has zero interest in meeting her.

You can keep your DNA results private on Ancestry. You’ll still get matched by DNA, but other people that might appear on your matched list, won’t be able to see who ‘you’ are.

Plus unless you have e a Pro Tools subscription you won’t be able to see which matches are related to each other. Having said that percentages of shared DNA tend to be a give away,

This would be the case for me too. I don't think I would want to look. But it is very personal and if you want to you should go for it

My mum is fine with whatever we decide to do.
yes - that is one of my concerns

I had this when my dad died except DB was younger. It was lovely getting to know him.

I thought it would feel awkward but when we met, it just felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts and stories.
It seems that it's not that uncommon!

Not me but a friend did a dna test and an unexpected half sibling turned up. Both her parents had died by then. She’s got a great relationship with this half sibling now.

I found out I had a half sister when I was in my 20s, and it fucked my life up , especially not being able to trust anyone.

But.

I think if you want to, go via DNA, and then you'll find out if they're also looking and it's therefore mutual.

Just be aware and can affect people in major ways, things like this coming out.

I’m also of the view that you should approach with caution as you don’t know whether it will be healing or traumatic for your half brother. Maybe talk to your mum again and see if she knows any more at all. I would want to ask her why it could never be revealed while your father was alive.

My grandmother had a secret half brother that she found out about when she was an adult. Her father was not married to the mother and he never supported his child. My grandmother and her sister met up with the half brother a couple of times, but in the end he cut contact saying it was too upsetting for his mother. She had been abandoned by the father and became a single mother at a time when it was very difficult and stigmatised.

A close friend of mine was approached not that long ago by a half brother she had no knowledge about. Her mother had this son before she married my friend's father but never told my friend or her sibling there was another brother.
They have all met up but found they have nothing in common. My friend was most upset that her half brother was completely disinterested to learn anything about their mother.
She wouldn't recommend the experience @SecretFrom50YearsAgo

It's on a podcast called The Gift. Fantastic listen!

My husbands mum was 40 when pregnant with him, his older sister 16 was also pregnant. The mum gave sisters baby away to another family, apparently not unusual back then in east London.
Obviously husbands family knew there had been a baby but it was never talked about.
Last year at age 59 the man found out on his mums deathbed he had other family and tracked my husband as only surviving immediate family member.
My husband had a horrific childhood, this man, his nephew a few months younger than him, grew up a few streets away but had wonderful parents and a happy life. Unbeknown to nephew, his local pub was run by his unmarried mother, probably been served by her and never knew. Husbands sister tried to trace her son but there were no agencies involved and she died never knowing him.
Husband spoke to him on the phone, this man had lost his family and I suppose reaching out with the shock revelation. It was truly uncomfortable for my husband, they had nothing in common apparently he is the spitting image of husbands sister, husband has no family photos and no happy times as a child to talk about. They met once but no further contact, they were total strangers, it wasnt the happy family reunion the other chap had hoped for, he had had a lucky escape to not be tainted by them. My husband was really sad for weeks thinking why did they keep him and the other chap get to have a good home. Its not all happy families for some.

@binkie163
that's really sad...
I hope your DH is OK about it all now

Yes he is ok, thank you. Just one of those really weird curve balls life can throw at you.
He did really well in business and life, left his childhood in the past, so it was bitter sweet but put firmly back now where it belongs xx

This happened to a relative of mine - found out late in life (from doing a DNA test for family research) that his Mum had had an affair, and he had been loved and raised by a non-biological Dad, and his older sibling was in fact his half-sibling. Messed with his head. Didn't do his poor Mum much good either, having to face up to it in her 90's and admit to her long-ago affair - she would never have been sure for 60+ years if her DS was her husbands or not, and had hoped to take the secret to her grave. It was a difficult for a time for both of them.
My relative intends to use an Intermediary to contact the half-siblings he has been able to find out about, although his biological father has died. He will wait until his Mum passes away before doing this though.

I've started listening to The Gift podcast this evening...

I am the secret half sister. I’m not interested in finding any half siblings and wouldn’t welcome your contact I’m afraid.

I would leave it alone, or do the DNA and let them come to you if they are interested.

To be honest, I'd do the test so I was in control. If he does one he can still find you of other relatives of your Dad are on their ot might just take a while longer and spread the news around the family quicker.

My husband and his siblings have a secret half sibling (well, technically not biologically related to all of them). Only my husband and I know, for a while I was the only one who knew. For some reason MIL told me and asked me not to tell DH!
FIL had a previous marriage, 2 children. Everyone knows about them. Then he married MIL who already had 2 children and they had 2 children together. However, between the marriages apparently he had a son but has never been in his life and as far as I know provided no financial support (which has always tainted my view of him). MIL just randomly told me this one day and then asked me to keep it a secret!

After a while, I told DH as it didn't feel right knowing something he didn't, but he wasn't particularly interested or bothered by it which is strange to me. We haven't told his siblings that we know. MIL has since passed away and FIL has no idea we know. I'm just waiting for someone to end up doing an ancestry DNA test and it to all blow up.

So many families have these kinds of secrets.

We had a similar situation in our family. Only it was a cousin we found. We did an Ancestry DnA test and got a direct hit. We contacted the individual and have become good friends with our new cousin.
we figured that he wanted us to find us as he had gone to the trouble of registering himself

I would definitely go looking. But i‘M an only child, and I’ve never know a sibling bond. Though painful, I think I’d as an opportunity too.