Discovered a secret half-brother after DF died. Should we go looking?

[SecretFrom50YearsAgo]

Hi, I’m looking for some perspective or advice from anyone who has been through something similar.

DISCLAIMER:
I've name changed, I know some of my friends are here and I haven't shared this with anyone except DH.
I've used AI to tidy up the post below to make it clear and easy to follow and understand. But it's a very real and true story!

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My DF passed away a year ago. After his death, my DM sat my siblings (DB and DSis) and me down to tell us something she’d been carrying for decades.
Apparently, before my parents married, my DF had a child (a boy) with someone in a different part of the country where he lived briefly between the ages of 18 and 20. He told my DM about it at the time, promising he would pay maintenance until the child was 18 but that he would always provide for her and the family they would have together. After that, they literally never spoke of it again.
My DF was a wonderful, devoted man who dedicated his whole life to us. This news has been a massive shock - it’s the last thing we ever expected.

The current situation:

• We know nothing about this man, other than he’d be in his mid-50s now.
• The only way to find him would be a DNA test (Ancestry etc) and hoping for a match.
• My siblings and I have discussed it, but we have done anything about it

The "What Ifs" keeping me awake:

• Does he even know his father wasn't around?
• Would reaching out upend his life or his family’s life in a bad way?
• Or... has he spent 50 years wondering who his dad was?

I’m so conflicted. I feel like once we do a DNA test, there is no going back. Once that door is open, we have to deal with whatever comes through it. I obviously need to be in total agreement with my siblings, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Should we try to find him? Or should we leave the past in the past?

Has anyone here discovered a "surprise" sibling later in life? How did it go? If you were that child, would you want to be found now?

@Doidontimmmthanks for sharing your perspective I appreciate it.

There’s a very interesting podcast called DNA Surprises, that has people talk about all sorts of… DNA surprises. Very varied experiences, mostly from people who find out that their father is not their father. My impression is that people really do want to know the truth and in particular it’s hard if they find out when it’s too late to contact the person they’re related to.

This news for a huge shock for my siblings and I. My DF was a real homebody, never really wanted to travel or go on holidays etc. His was family was his everything and he would do anything for us. I find it all so hard to wrap my head around…

I would argue most people in the UK still are at the stage of doing DNA tests because they are either really interested in family history OR they know there is a possibly a family secret.

This is unlike the US where people do tests for fun to see where their ancestors came from. This is because most Brits have a fairly homogenised ancestry or have moved here in recent generations.

That said, even if you are expecting one family secret, there's no guarantee you won't uncover one you aren't expecting too.

Do not asume that because you have no family tree linked to your DNA test or you have it private that other users can't work out who you are. Equally don't assume that they can't track you down even if you havent done a test.

A good researcher may be able to find you from your relative's other multiple shared matches if they are closely enough related by process of elimination and building a wider family tree.

Not doing a DNA is no guarantee that someone won't find out who you are.

This is something that doesn't just affect you. It also will affect your children because once anyone on either affected side puts their DNA on Ancestry you are potentially traceable.

Getting to a point where you can find a combination of a surname and mother's maiden name will very often limit possibilities to a very small number of people. It's not hard to work out.

Equally if someone does a DNA thinking Bob Smith is there father, it can be fairly obvious that Bob isn't your Dad if they get a whole load of Jones on their paternal side and none of their Matches fit with the information they thought to be their family. It's therefore pretty easy to work out if there is a problem with paternity. If someone has done a DNA test assuming they will find X and find it's not X then they already have found there's an issue without matching to you. Once they or anyone of their children or grandchildren have done a DNA all bets are off.

I think the bigger question is what do you want from this? How would you feel if you did find them and they didn't want to engage. How would you feel if you didn't like them? Or you found out something horrible about them? There's no guarantee they are a nice person or a person who isn't deeply troubled who you might bring into your family with massive consequences. You might have high expectations which just fizzle into an anitclimax after building it up so much. Be honest about what could go wrong. Consider the possibility that they might find you too.

Tbh I'm of the opinion that whilst it's a Pandora's box, it's one where you don't have real control of no matter which option you take in your situation. If someone wants to find you, theres a fair chance they probably can. If you want to find someone you probably can. Or it could be a child in twenty years who comes looking for you or your kids...

My point being that you just can't keep this a secret anymore. There isn't really privacy on this because of shared matches giving you away anyway.

Your choices are about how much control you take over that and what regrets you might end up with from all the available options. Weigh the pros and cons of each.

I'm close to someone who has some experience of this. His mum died & after her death her 1st born child who was adopted at a few week's old made contact, no one in the family knew other than her own mother (who died a few years later) & sister (who was sworn to secrecy). The 1st born son who was now a grown man in his 50's had made contact with the mother when she was alive but she refused to see him. This caused my friend a lot of upset at the time & he told me that his mum took this secret to his grave so therfore he wished he never knew as this is clearly what his mum wanted. That said he is in touch with his 'brother' but it's very superficial & no connection as such, his 'brother' had an excellent adoption & was actually much better off financially & opportunity wise etc but it's clear he is quite damaged. As mentioned above my friend feels a bit of guilt as he had a fantastic, supportive & loving mum & he just can't understand or process the person his mum once was. Good luck

@SecretFrom50YearsAgo Does your mum not know how the maintenance was paid or whereabouts this child and his mum lived?
I find it strange that she decided to tell you at all when it seemed so inconsequential to her and seemingly your dad and I wonder why she did.

It’s so hard to imagine but at the same time so plausible that they never spoke of it again because families and past generation relationships can be so like that.
Things that to our generation are huge and complex shrugged off with ‘we never really thought about it’.

@Victoriawould24I find it strange too, that they never spoke about it. When she told us she said she thought we had the right to know.
My dad was a dedicated family man but could also be quite difficult - stubborn and set in his ways. Not one to discuss the past…

@Victoriawould24she has no idea how he paid it. We know the name of the city he lived in at the time but that is literally all.

My MIL had a sort of open secret uncle her grandad had before her mum, they were a very close family in every other way.
We found pictures of him and letters he wrote to his ‘sisters’ , MiL knew he existed but couldn’t give less of a shit about anything about the story or what happened to him, the lack of curiosity or empathy blows my mind.
Different times indeed.

I would! Good luck

Would you normally do an Ancestry type DNA test? Or if someone gifted you a test, would you take it and see what came up? If yes, then do it. If no, then dont.

There is added pressure here because of what you have been told but you have no proof that the child was born (your mother only knows what your father told her), no proof that, if he was born, he was your father's child and so on.

You may have a half sibling, but equally on balance you may not. Many many families (my own included) have "secret" relatives. TV series have been made on the back of that, so I think anyone who uploads their DNA to these things does so in the knowledge that there is a risk of opening a long closed can of worms and takes that risk willingly.

I am so sorry that your husband went through that, and please understand I mean no disrespect when I say that my first thought was Blood Brothers. "Why didnt you give me away?". Its heartbreaking, but I am glad that your DH found happiness as an adult.

Slightly different situation but my husband found out he had a half sister while his dad was alive (he was not a great person by any stretch of the imagination). She contacted DH on social media out of the blue about 10 years ago. He and his sisters decided to meet her, she was an only child and it meant so much to her to have siblings, she’s now a huge part of our lives and a much loved part of our family.

I know all scenarios don’t end up like this but ours was a very positive thing.

If this man wanted to trace his father, he would have done. Or maybe he has and it will be easy for you to find him. Otherwise I think no. I can't see what good will come of it. You are curious but that's easily managed and not worth upsetting other people.

I have 9 half siblings and have met one, he found me. I really like him and we meet maybe once every 2 years, i am glad we found each other because we get on well but thats because he is just a nice random man really. There is no emotional connection, he feels the same. Neither of us can be bothered to arrange a family meet up. I didn't try to meet the others and have no interest. 5 of them are siblings and I would hate the fuss and analysis. I know who they are but they don't know about me. I can't see what it would bring to their lives, their dad is dead so it would only taint their memory and I don't know if their Mum is still alive but she must be elderly now. She may not know about me either and I don't see the point in upsetting her and changing her view on her deceased partner.

If you pursue this you need to be prepared to find out things you didn’t want to know. E.g. about your father.

You say he was devoted, that he dedicated his lives to you. Yet he fathered a child and walked away from that child without so much as a backward glance. To the extent that the subject was never even mentioned. That’s compartmentalisation at its finest.

My dad found out he had half siblings because he requested a copy of his father’s will to find out if he had any other family after he’d left. He suspected he did. He was a terrible person. Fathered five children, pissed off never to be seen again when my dad was 14, and as it turned out, remarried and had two more children, and none of them ever knew he’d previously been married and they had five half siblings. And yet when you look at their social media they all talked about what a wonderful dedicated man he was, meanwhile he probably fathered children all over the place. There are probably more for all we know.

The half siblings never had anything to do with one another after that initial contact. The younger ones weren’t interested, and their illusion of the devoted family man had clearly been shattered.

Personally I think people put far too much emphasis on this whole sibling thing. The reality is that there is a high proportion of people who are related to one another and will never know. People shag around all the time, father children without being told, or without wanting to know, and the children are often not told.

And by the time you find out it’s not a sibling relationship, it’s just a random blood connection. It’s meaningless in the scheme of things, but it has the power to do far more harm than good.

I disagree that people who do DNA tests in these situations do so because they want to know. A lot of people are genuinely oblivious. Yes they do DNA tests to see whether there are any family secrets, I think we probably all suspect there are secrets in our wider families, but most people don’t think of those as being that close to home, and genuine hurt and upset is caused when they find out.

This. Although I'd be conscious of ensuring all siblings are on board. I had a relative who had a unknown half sister contact her after the father had died. The relative point blank refused to acknowledge the sister. It was very upsetting for them. I can't help but think it would have been better to not know than to be in that situation.

I was the secret half sister. I reckon I got lucky not growing up with my birth father- my Dad is amazing and I wouldn’t want to hurt him.

I'm not sure what's so shocking about your father having a relationship and sex in his late teens before he met/married your mother? We tend to forget our parents had different lives before they met each other and became our parents. Often very full and different lives.
The timing sounds like it would have been in the early-mid 70s? Trust me, at that time there was definitely a lot of sex, drugs, and rock n' roll - not saying your father was into any of this however. But also not as much reliable birth control as now and abortion only became legal in 1973 in the US/1968 in the UK. To his credit, he sounds like he was very responsible to his child and presumably his mother, as well to your mother and family. Sounds like his mother kept him too.
If it was me (I'm an only child with almost no family left), I would be doing a DNA test - or actually, perhaps your mother has old records from when your father was paying child support? There would be some names and contact details there.
If I was that child/man, while you don't know what he was told or the circumstances of his upbringing, I would have been curious at least. Then there's the whole medical history aspect too. In theory he only has half of his, which could prove problematic for him.
I have several friends who have found previously unknown siblings and other families. Sometimes it's been disappointing, sometimes there's been no answer (so far), and sometimes it's provided a lovely and warm new family/sibling connection. Just depends. If I knew I had a half-sibling, I'd certainly give it a try, hoping for the best but prepared for it not working out. It could turn out to be really positive for everyone involved, but you'll not know if you don't give it a chance.

My friend found out they had a half-sibling, in thier early 60s. Their mum had had a child before she was married, had the baby adopted and told no-one. The child tracked them down when my friend was in her 60s, and he mum in her 80s… her mum denied ever having a baby, so a DNA test was done, and it was her half brother, her mum eventually admitted it. Anyway, my friend has a great relationship with their sibling, families have met, they go on holiday together, they are really close. It’s been a wonderful unexpected gift

I found out in my 20s I had a half brother, he was adopted and looking for my mam his mother, it was done through a social worker and 20years later we all get on, he had married and his own family, they come to us or we go to them for a weekend whenever it suits as there 2 hrs away. But glad we meet. Best of luck in your decision

I have a half sibling.
I have no interest in searching.
More than anything my mother has no interest in finding them so I’m reluctant to upset her if I find the half sibling. Furthermore I’ve no interest in running the risk of opening up a can of worms. Let sleeping dogs lie.

I don't know.. What is it what you would like to get out of it, in case you do find this person, @SecretFrom50YearsAgo . I am turning 40 this year, my parents divorced when I was 6, and I didn't have my father in my life from that point. He never cared, my mom, bless her always made sure that he has every opportunity to see me, but it never happened (I used to spent entire summers at my grandparents' place - my father's parents.. in the same town as him, and yet he never came). Anyway.. long story short, after my parents divorced, my father went on having a life of his own, he had a new partner, had 2 kids there, and then moved on again, and had 2 again with a later partner. It is absolutely mind blowing, but my own sons are older than one of my half-siblings. Point is - I grew up as an only child, raised by a single mother. I know about the existence of my half-siblings, but just because we were fathered by the same idiotic man, I don't see a reason why there should be a connection. I never met them, nor do I feel the need to. They are strangers to me, this "poetic" notion of us sharing blood means absolutely nothing. I don't see why it should have an impact on any of our lives.. So, I don't know, all I am trying to say is, that I wouldn't pursue. Don't forget, you only know of this side, but you don't know what's on the other one -maybe this person wouldn't like to be contacted. I know I wouldn't.

Adopted person here. I needed to find my birth mum after I’d had my own children.
Took a while but found her and now have a lovely long distance relationship and have met twice.
Not interested in finding my birth father as he treated her badly, but a DNA test caused half cousins and cousins in new Zealand to get in touch and this brought together half brothers too. And it’s wonderful.
You can never know, OP, what anyone’s reaction is going to be. Your half sibling may be thrilled or may close everything down.
But, if it was me, I’d need to know and do my best to get in touch.

I did ancestry a few months ago and found out I had a half brother who is 71 (I am 44) that I knew nothing about from a brief relationship when my dad was 18. He apparently knew but had no contact. I’m now in sporadic touch with my half brother and we may meet this year. It’s a very weird one and my dad died a while ago and so many more questions than answers but I think he is glad to finally know his biological origins. But it is a total headfuck. But I think worth doing. I’m glad we did ancestry we had always joked I would have a half sibling (my dad was an older dad)

I’m in the less fluffy camp.

I don’t wish to be specific but I made the effort to trace biological family when I was 22. I’m a lot older now.

i think finding biological family is often romanticised. Blood isn’t thicker than water. We often love those we do due to shared experiences and familiar circumstances.

the people I was (am) biologically connected to couldn’t have been more different to me. Different morals, ethics, ways of life. Nothing connected us at all, apart from DNA. Extricating myself from what was becoming a rapidly toxic situation then proved hard.

if I could undo it, I would. Being biologically related means nothing to me, and watching things like ‘long lost family’ really confuses me at times, now I have had that experience .