Discovered a secret half-brother after DF died. Should we go looking?

[SecretFrom50YearsAgo]

Hi, I’m looking for some perspective or advice from anyone who has been through something similar.

DISCLAIMER:
I've name changed, I know some of my friends are here and I haven't shared this with anyone except DH.
I've used AI to tidy up the post below to make it clear and easy to follow and understand. But it's a very real and true story!

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My DF passed away a year ago. After his death, my DM sat my siblings (DB and DSis) and me down to tell us something she’d been carrying for decades.
Apparently, before my parents married, my DF had a child (a boy) with someone in a different part of the country where he lived briefly between the ages of 18 and 20. He told my DM about it at the time, promising he would pay maintenance until the child was 18 but that he would always provide for her and the family they would have together. After that, they literally never spoke of it again.
My DF was a wonderful, devoted man who dedicated his whole life to us. This news has been a massive shock - it’s the last thing we ever expected.

The current situation:

• We know nothing about this man, other than he’d be in his mid-50s now.
• The only way to find him would be a DNA test (Ancestry etc) and hoping for a match.
• My siblings and I have discussed it, but we have done anything about it

The "What Ifs" keeping me awake:

• Does he even know his father wasn't around?
• Would reaching out upend his life or his family’s life in a bad way?
• Or... has he spent 50 years wondering who his dad was?

I’m so conflicted. I feel like once we do a DNA test, there is no going back. Once that door is open, we have to deal with whatever comes through it. I obviously need to be in total agreement with my siblings, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Should we try to find him? Or should we leave the past in the past?

Has anyone here discovered a "surprise" sibling later in life? How did it go? If you were that child, would you want to be found now?

I’d do the test to but he doesn’t necessarily need to have taken the test or be looking for anyone, to be found via a DNA database because his children, or other relatives could have taken a test.

The stories on that series were cautionary tales. Many negative outcomes of people gifting each other DNA tests for fun. Babies accidentally switched at birth so people finding they don’t belong in their families but finding a stranger who does, people discovering their fathers were super donors so they have scores of half siblings, startling info about ethnic origins and health conditions, people whose parents hadn’t told them the truth about their origins. It really made me think it’s all ancient history best left alone! I suppose it depends what you want to achieve. It can’t all be happy family reunions like on tv. I would not like to discover a half sibling at my stage of life personally

Well yes, if a close family member has taken the test it could lead to him but only if they choose to disclose information which they surely wouldn't if he asked them not to.

I think I would go ahead, however a cautionary tale....

My husband had 2 children before he met me, then we had 2 children. I didn't have anything to do with his first children.
An opportunity presented itself out of the blue for my daughter to approach her half sister, in person. Both grown ups.... my daughters half sister just snubbed her...I was very sad about it... no need... not my daughters fault in any way.

Obviously lots more to it but there's the bones.... so be careful. Not everyone is on board!!

Good luck op.

Do you think his close family members won’t tell him his long lost family thinks they have a half brother?

They will but he doesn't have to engage if he doesn't want to.

I found out I have a half brother a couple of years ago. It seems when he was in his very early 20s my dad fathered a child who was subsequently adopted. Half brother made contact via Ancestry with a cousin who contacted me.

I was shocked and didnt want contact. Both my parents had already died and I have no idea if my father knew anything about this child. I was very uncomfortable with knowing information about dad that he either didnt know himself or had chosen not to share with me. I really didnt want to know something about my dad that he hadnt told me himself.

I did engage with half-brother to pass on information about my dad and shared photographs but said I didnt really want an ongoing relationship and received absolutely no response at all. At the time it happened there was a lot of other "life" going on and I felt I had no capacity for this - I feel a bit differently now and that I was perhaps a little harsh but I don't really feel any great need for any more siblings. Im probably influenced by the fact that my actual brother had a difficult relationship with our father and my brother died quite young.

Im not convinced that everyone doing DNA tests is a good idea as it means we may be party to information about parents that they would prefer us not to know so it feels like an invasion of privacy.

I would look. My mum found an unknown half-sister after her mum died, when the sister contacted after doing Ancestry or something. At first they thought it wasn't true, mum would have said something, but it was, she'd been adopted. Since found two more relatives, children of her mum's siblings. The family are happy to be united and have answers.