First, I want to say this clearly: nothing you’ve written sounds ridiculous. It sounds thoughtful, self-aware, and deeply reflective. You are not overthinking — you are noticing patterns.
What stands out to me isn’t a diagnostic label. It’s the repeated experience of your needs being minimised, dismissed, or treated as secondary. Your physical pain. Your emotional vulnerability. Your workload. Your attempts to communicate carefully and constructively. Over time, that takes a toll.
A relationship does not require a clinical label to justify concern. The more important questions are:
Do you feel emotionally safe?
Do your needs carry equal weight?
When you express pain, does it matter?
Is there accountability when something hurts you?
You’ve described a dynamic where you work very hard to keep things functioning — practically and emotionally — while also managing his reactions. That is exhausting. It can also quietly lead to shrinking parts of yourself to keep peace.
I am particularly concerned about the way your physical pain during sex has been handled. Intimacy should never require you to mask suffering so someone else can feel satisfied. Your body and your wellbeing are not negotiable.
It’s also important to gently acknowledge something: you mention feeling completely alone inside the relationship. That feeling deserves attention. Sometimes the fear is not of being alone — but of recognising that we already are.
Change in any relationship is possible when both people are willing to reflect, take responsibility, and adjust their behaviour consistently over time. From what you’ve described, attempts at counselling and feedback have not been met with openness. That doesn’t mean change is impossible — but it does mean the evidence so far is limited and does not look likely.
Rather than asking “Is this narcissism?”, it may be more empowering to ask: “What am I no longer willing to live with?” and “If nothing changed, how would I feel five years from now?”
You are capable, competent, and strong. The same clarity and problem-solving ability you bring to your professional world can serve you here too — but this isn’t about solving him. It’s about deciding what honours you.
You deserve a relationship where your pain is taken seriously, your voice is respected, and your needs are not treated as inconveniences.
You are not alone in this conversation, mumsnetters are always here to support you ❤️. Wishing you the best and strength to take the steps you need to find your peace.