Im not sure if I’ve suddenly had an epiphany or if I’m overthinking. What I’ve set out below is a summary but I hope a fair one.
Partner and I have been together 10 years. We own a house and have lived together for 5. We are not married. He has been married and refuses to do so again. I’m starting to worry/wonder that he may have narcissistic tendencies.
He: divorced after 20 years with 3 teen kids before we got together. Reason; wife was no longer interested in sex or him. Accounts I’ve heard filtered over time suggest he spent a lot of time focused on his hobbies/work and not enough time with kids/family. He was focused entirely on her refusal to engage in sex. He is a professional, I’d say a high achiever with a high opinion of his success across various roles. He places the blame for the breakdown of the marriage solely on ex wife.
Me: professional, working in a male centric world but forged a path to doing well through sheer dogged determination! Externally a feminist but, I worry, failing in that inside the home for the reasons summarised below.
Examples of troubling behaviour:
- Sex is partners driving force. If we don’t do it every other day he becomes moody and snappy/snarky. He’s suggested we’ll have to split/sell the house if no improvement. I am perimenopause and have endometriosis adenomyosis and ovarian cysts. Sex is excruciating. However, he has requested I do better at masking the pain so he can have sex as without it intimacy is dead. I now do this but, as a result, suspect I’ve developed sexual aversion.
- if I’m unwell, most recently last week with severe hip pain and a stomach upset he ignores me and isn’t just unsympathetic but actively goes out of his way to ignore my pain and discomfort. I spent four days limping and feeling nauseous but without any enquiry into how I was.
- I have always had low body image. More so with age. When I expressed this recently because he wanted lights on with sex his only concern was how this was ruining it for him.
- we’ve tried counselling. He rejected the counsellors concerns and advice and we stopped going. I tried single therapy but when I tried to feed some of the suggestions into our relationship he became angry and so I stopped.
- He has “jokingly” ribbed me and made “humorous” remarks about me being a “muppet” or when I’ve been clumsy or silly into social situations with friends.
- I’ve tried active listening and expressing concerns with phrases like “I feel” rather than “you always”. This has resulted in him saying I’m wrong or I’m ridiculous or shutting down the conversation.
- despite a shockingly busy job, I get up extra early to do chores, I organise the weekly meal plans, cook 6 out of seven days and generally organise our lives. If I don’t remind him of stuff it doesn’t get done but when I do remind him he has a go at me for nagging him.
- he has a hobby which means he’s out every weekend and every Tuesday evening whilst I’m at home or working. He is obsessed with his hobby. It isn’t one I can do as it involves qualifications. The equipment for it takes up every room in our house.
- when we bought our house it was just the two of us. Notwithstanding this, he insisted we bought a 5 bed house “in case” his kids currently late teens and 20s had children so that grandchildren could stay and so that there was storage for his stuff.
- when he recently wanted a new car he said I would need to pay towards it even though I don’t drive and we don’t use a car together. I’ve persuaded my mother to let us have my late father’s car to avoid extra expenditure.
- on evenings I have online events or meetings, often where I am chairing or speaking I still sort out dinner. On evenings where he has his hobby that is down to me to do.
This is a bullet point summary but the theme I’m noticing is a self centred approach that is focused entirely on his needs being met over mine even being recognised.
When first together I’m not sure it was like this. Or maybe I didn’t notice. I’m terrified that if I ever get sick or can’t fulfil my “role” I’ll be pushed aside.
Im a problem solver by profession so that’s why I’m trying to work out the “why”.
Hence my question; is this narcissism? Can it be addressed? Has anyone else experienced this and if so what was the outcome?
I cannot tell any of my friends about this and so, right now, whilst I function beautifully as a professional, inside I’m completely alone. Please, I know all this will sound objectively ridiculous, be kind. I don’t have anywhere else to turn or to get a reality check from.